Yup, this photo was taken in 2010! I can hardly believe it. My appearance didn't really change, but omg did I change.
I thought about the word evolve, but I feel like the difference is way more drastic.
Little did I know that only two years later, I would embark on a spiritual mission to heal myself and really go for what I want in life.
In 2010 (and way before that), I was in a permanently depressed state. I would suppress it in everyday life, then explode my feelings of intense sadness, anger, and self-hatred onto.... mostly myself.
I always had the need to please everyone, to make everyone feel understood and safe. I needed people to like me... but God did I hate me.
For most of my life, I thought that loving oneself was selfish and weird. That it was egocentric and narcissistic.
I also didn't want to live... Without necessarily wanting to take my own life, I prayed many times for something else to end it. The world seemed so dark and sad... Nobody around me seemed happy or living the life of their dreams, so I began believing that it couldn't exist. That being happy was only something that happened sometimes. In the photoset that I found recently (the picture below), I seemed so serious, so empty... the pictures are still cool, but I can feel how I felt at the time when I look at them.
2012 was really the end of the world for me. Actually, it was more like the beginning of a new world. (Funny that's the year I became a Suicide Girl too!)
I watched The Secret and it opened my eyes to a totally different perspective. A brand new way of seeing things. CHOICE.
Programming your own mindset and eliminating the old unconscious patterns. Bringing light on all of the darkness. I had to learn how to create my own light and making my happiness a priority. By that age (20 years old), I had learned that I couldn't change people, that I couldn't bring them joy and that they couldn't make me happy.
It was really difficult at first, facing all my demons, leaving the toxic people and environments behind. Loving myself. That last part was actually the most difficult. I meditated on this for months, day and night, giving love to a glass of water and drinking the water to bring the love back into myself... I tried all that I could because I knew that this was the thing stopping me most from being happy.
Now, 8 years later, I am a totally different person. I know that happiness exists, I know that dreams can be fulfilled and lived, I know that someone can love me and want me for who I am and that I can feel the same about them. And if they don't or things change, so be it. I'll just find someone who will. Someone who will love me as I love myself, someone who also loves who they are and don't need someone to fix them. Or else I'll be alone, living every day as if it were my last and enjoying every minute being my unique and loving self. I've done it before (being alone during the few years that I spent healing), I'm not scared of being alone. I actually enjoy that, too.
Right now, though, I'm living my biggest dream. I'm the happiest I've ever been. I'm so grateful for the path I've taken, and the steps I took to be in the state that I am: peaceful. Shit happens, that's life. But if you decide to remain in peace within yourself, you can be almost unaffected... I say almost because we are human after all.
So, anyway! xD
Just letting you know that my 2010 set (Twenty) is now available on my website ^^
xx
