as_we_whisper

a girl lived here once.
she grew up here
with her mother and father and a little brother
father drinks alot.
father goes out alot
father cheated on her mother
he would come home angry while doing so
he used to yell alot
the girl was too scared to come home
she found comfort in a man
he was older
he was wiser...
or so she thought
he didnt yell
he loved her
she couldnt get enough of him
the girl started to drink alot
the girl cheated on the man
or so he thought
he insisted upon the fact
until she believed
and nearly lost him
what the man didnt know
was that her so called cheating
wasnt consentual
she wasnt consious
but yet he persisted
so she beleived
after all
he loved her
he wouldnt lie
or steer her wrong
so he said
she believed she had become her father
the one who scared her most
the one who didnt love her
the man comforted her
and told her shed be ok
and that he would always be there
and that he would always love her
he would never judge her
he never told her she was beautiful
she never felt good enough
she strived to be perfect
she never felt good enough
she gave him praise
he yelled at her
she was scared
scared to lose him
but he had been there for her when she needed it
so she didnt walk away
she visited him
he said there was nothing here for him
she lived here
how could there be nothing?
but alas
she loved him
she visited him again
he said there was nothing here for him
she was here though...
how could there be nothing?
she strived to be better
so he would come here
so he had something here
she visited him
he said there was nothing here for him
she was still here....
hurting because he wasnt
she was alone
here alone
how could there be nothing?
she visited him
he had something here this time
he told her he was coming to visit a friend
she hurt
she hurt alot
how could she be nothing?
how could she not be the something that was here for him?
she loved him
afterall
she had given him everything
she had given him all she had ever known
and strived to go beyond that
but it wasnt good enough
she was still not that something for him to come here
where the girl lived
she visited him
she went home
determined to not visit anymore
determined to be there with him
forever
that would make her happy
but
it was not what would make him happy
she hurt
everyday
and everynight
she awoke with puffy eyes
he awoke with sleep filled eyes
her tears never effected him
she distanced herself
he never noticed
she drifted further away
she couldnt give anymore of her love
it had bled her dry
she had cried too many tears
she had hurt too much
she was tired of being nothing
and tired of not being the something
she still put on her happy face
afraid to hurt him
afraid to walk away from the one solid thing she had in her life
afterall
her friends had almost all walked away at that point
her father had been forced to walk away long ago
he destroyed her solid family
and forced her to seek another
she found her family with the man
the man she had given 2 years of her life to
the man she was so in love with
the man she couldnt live without
but it seemed as though he could live without her
that he only sorta loved her
that he didnt give her 2 years
he had done that as a favor to her
he surprised her one day
after she had already decided that she couldnt deal with 2 more years of not being good enough
he asked her to live there with him
forever
she was scared
scared if forever, would she always be nothing?
would she never be good enough to be the something?
she decided that she didnt want that
she wanted to get herself back
she got quite lost in those 2 years
so she told him she wasnt ready for that
and that she needed time to think about things with him
she had no conclusions
he asked her to make a decision one day
she told him she wouldnt be with him anymore
he cried
in 2 years
he had never cried over her, or to her
he then said the one thing she had needed to hear the most in those years
he told her she was the most beautiful woman he had ever known
she cried
and was silent
why was he doing the things she had always wanted him to do now?
after she was halfway out the door
they ended on a good note
said their goodbyes
and she awoke for the first time in 2 years, feeling like the woman she had become
she stopped talking to him
by choice
to ensure she had made the right decision
after all
for 2 years she had woken and fallen asleep with him as a solid part of her life
and she gave it all up that night
gave up what she had known and gotten used to
she was scared
and alone
but she would fight those feelings
to ensure she was better
he called her that night
and said he couldnt live without her
that he needed her in his life
that if he could just talk to her everyday until he was ready to walk away
that he would be ok
she loved him still
she didnt want him to hurt
she said that she would give that to him
he told her he was coming to visit her
she was bewildered, that after she had walked out the door
and was getting herself back
that she was suddenly the something she had always wanted to be to him here
he had something here
and that something was her
she hurt again
she hadnt hurt for a long time
but it all came back to her the second she agreed
the second she was the something she had strived to be for 2 years
and so he arrived here
and he was everything she had wanted him to be
he kissed her in public
he held her hand when they walked somewhere
he listened to her
he even told her she looked nice
he met some of her friends
and hung around with her family
he visited her at work
he was everything she had ever wanted him to be
and she couldnt understand why he was doing this to her
she had a temporary lapse in judgement
and decided that she must be in love with him, because he was doing everything right
she called him when he returned there
and proposed they try again
and so they did
for about 3 oir 4 weeks
her birthday arrived
she was 20 years old now
5 years had past since she had known him
almost 3 had past since they had fallen in love for the first time
he never called that night
there was no card in the mail
and then she realized
that for those 2 and a half years, there was never a card in the mail, on her birthday, or on chirstmas
he always had a card on those days, always had a phone call
he called her awhile later
and asked about what was going on with them
she told him
she told him about all the things he did to make her hurt
she cried
she told him she didnt want to cry over him anymore
she didnt want to hurt anymore
but she wanted him to stay in her life
she couldnt imagine waking up to a life where he wasnt there
but she needed him as a friend
not how he always had been
he was hurt
so she told him
i cant give you what you want
i cant be your wife right now
i cant live with you now
i cant give up my life
so you dont have to give yours up
it isnt fair for me to keep you as my own
he was hurt
but he didnt seem surprised
as though he expected it
again
she wasnt around to talk to him
by choice mostly
but she did ask for him to stay around
it wasnt fair for her to do this to him again
he called
and they yelled alot
she didnt like to yell
but she thought he was becoming good at it
he knew how to hurt her
he knew how to make her cry
she yelled at him, and asked him to stop it
he hung up the phone
and sent her a goodye message
he wished her the best of luck
and told her that he had always loved her, and that he always will love her
and he said the word she never wanted to hear from him
goodbye...
she cried harder
and called him
and asked him to not leave
and to take back his goodbye
because she was scared
she wasnt ready to grow up alone yet
her father wasnt around still
her family was still broken
he was all she had really known
and he was saying goodbye to her
he told her he wouldnt say goodbye
as long as she would promise to talk to him
she agreed
and they ended on a good note for the first time in a month
she has taken the steps to get herself back
and she feels confident in her decisions to be alone
and to not be with the man
but to have the man stay in her life
a woman lives here today
she is able to look back and see the girl she once was, and look upon those years with a smile
she is able to shed tears about those years and not hurt
she is able to look back and be content
she is happy
she is not afraid anymore
she isnt hurting