I miss knowing who sees what I write *lol* funny thing, that :/
I supposed I could create an amazon wishlist, and buy myself stuff covertly, posting pictures of my "gifts" to impress people with how much my fans love me - I am after all, a god.
Only the god of me, and what I do - but that's a start. For a small fee of only $79.99 per month, I can be your god too. Think of the benefits!
I promise that I will do absolutely nothing to benefit you directly, I'll let your friends and family live or die as they may - and I'll give you a brand new religious holiday (along with providing alternate versions of the current ones so you don't lose any of the current ones). Basically, it'll be the same as now, only you'll be able to see who to blame when shit hits the fan, and someone to thank gratefully and in expensive manner when things work out well.
I accept sacrifices only of (legal age+) female virginity, and only when given directly to myself. Each sacrifice is good for a free month of having me as your own personal god (a $79.99 value!!).
I, like the other gods, will not come when you call, will not give you the correct lottery numbers, nor will your favorite sports team curry my favour - although I may cheer for them occasionally. I also make no claim to being unbiased or nice, but I won't smite you without substancial provocation. According to my godly laws, swearing and cursing won't get you condemned, and being nice or pure won't send you anywhere special... being a jackass will get you called a jackass, doing good deeds will get you thanks, and any time you deserve a good beating, I promise not to intervene.
For that matter, I likely wouldn't intervene even if you didn't deserve it, as that's not how gods work. Unless you pay the "premium rate" of $499.95 per month, in which case I might consider helping, but it's doubtful. About as likely as the hand of any other god directly helping you, so basically you're screwed if you get in over your head. If you pay the "devout follower" fee of only $2398.00 per month, I'll provide you with around the clock (meaning, every time you walk by that clock down the street, there will be someone looking out for you) protection to insure the survival of a devout servant to ensure they can continue paying the small due that's due to one's only diety.
For a limited time, I'm offering a free month. If you can find one sincere fault with my godhood (that the current christian or muslim or jewish gods do not share) - if I do one directly noticable thing less well than your current diety, I'll happily refund you nothing, since that's what you paid. However, if after one month you actually believe I exist, and have proof in the form of any sort of physical evidence, you'll be compelled to tithe 30% of your income the next month, and the following month sign a 1 year contract on either the standard, premium, or devout fee structure.
Dial now!! operators are waiting for your call
more than any other god can offer
I supposed I could create an amazon wishlist, and buy myself stuff covertly, posting pictures of my "gifts" to impress people with how much my fans love me - I am after all, a god.
Only the god of me, and what I do - but that's a start. For a small fee of only $79.99 per month, I can be your god too. Think of the benefits!
I promise that I will do absolutely nothing to benefit you directly, I'll let your friends and family live or die as they may - and I'll give you a brand new religious holiday (along with providing alternate versions of the current ones so you don't lose any of the current ones). Basically, it'll be the same as now, only you'll be able to see who to blame when shit hits the fan, and someone to thank gratefully and in expensive manner when things work out well.
I accept sacrifices only of (legal age+) female virginity, and only when given directly to myself. Each sacrifice is good for a free month of having me as your own personal god (a $79.99 value!!).
I, like the other gods, will not come when you call, will not give you the correct lottery numbers, nor will your favorite sports team curry my favour - although I may cheer for them occasionally. I also make no claim to being unbiased or nice, but I won't smite you without substancial provocation. According to my godly laws, swearing and cursing won't get you condemned, and being nice or pure won't send you anywhere special... being a jackass will get you called a jackass, doing good deeds will get you thanks, and any time you deserve a good beating, I promise not to intervene.
For that matter, I likely wouldn't intervene even if you didn't deserve it, as that's not how gods work. Unless you pay the "premium rate" of $499.95 per month, in which case I might consider helping, but it's doubtful. About as likely as the hand of any other god directly helping you, so basically you're screwed if you get in over your head. If you pay the "devout follower" fee of only $2398.00 per month, I'll provide you with around the clock (meaning, every time you walk by that clock down the street, there will be someone looking out for you) protection to insure the survival of a devout servant to ensure they can continue paying the small due that's due to one's only diety.
For a limited time, I'm offering a free month. If you can find one sincere fault with my godhood (that the current christian or muslim or jewish gods do not share) - if I do one directly noticable thing less well than your current diety, I'll happily refund you nothing, since that's what you paid. However, if after one month you actually believe I exist, and have proof in the form of any sort of physical evidence, you'll be compelled to tithe 30% of your income the next month, and the following month sign a 1 year contract on either the standard, premium, or devout fee structure.
Dial now!! operators are waiting for your call
more than any other god can offer
And if you were to do all the right things I would call you my god repeatedly