I posted this as a private entry on LJ. I feel more comfortable letting people read it here. Probably because I don't know most (if any) or you personally.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
So... as of about 2am last night, I am single.
Travis's doesn't love me and wants to be single.
I have been crying for nearly 12 hours.
I didn't go to class today because I didn't fall asleep until 7:30 am and slept fitfully until 11:50am.
The only reason I got out of bed was to get some water because I am severly dehydrated. Now I am at a loss as of what to do.
I don't think I've ever felt more betrayed, more idiotic, and more alone.
As if it wasn't hard enough for me to trust people before... now I never want to open up to anyone ever again.
It's almost comforting to know that you've lost everything. I have no family, no friends, no lover. I have nothing.
Where do you go when you have nothing?
I don't even have the desire to do well in school that I once had. It won't be long before I will be unable to find a reason to get out of bed.
I will always be alone, and that's just the way it will be. I'm through with people. I'm through with giving everything of myself to someone only to be taken for granted.
I know that to most people, I just sound like a whiny bitch. I know that to most of the people I have cared about, they felt like I was too self-involved with my own problems. They never realized just how deeply I cared for them.
I'm not even worth more than 2 months. How the fuck do you "love" someone for 3 weeks and then just stop? It doesn't fucking work like that. I feel like all of it was lie, every word of it.
He held me like he always did, he told me he loved me... how was I supposed to know that he was having doubts?
I know it's difficult to deal with me. I know I'm frustrating, and I know I make excuses. I know I'm incredibly insecure. I just thought that we cared enough about each other to get through it. I know I am sad a lot of the time, but I am capable of being happy (or somewhere close to it).
I am so naive. I wasn't passionate and talented enough for him. He probably just got bored of me.
Maybe I should give up and go home. I don't want to, but I'm going to fail college. I have no motivation to even attempt to do well.
It is pitiful that my sense of self-worth is so fragile.
I am never going to open up to anyone again.
I have no strength left.
As long as I am like this, I will never be able to have a productive relationship. But I don't know how to change. I have trouble seperating my clinical depression from who I really am, it has consumed such a large part of me.
Maybe I should just give up and go on medication again. Becoming an emotional zombie sounds a hell of a lot more appealing than dealing with this excrutiating pain.
I thought I was strong enough to deal with this on my own, but who the fuck am I kidding?
I wish I could go to bed and never get up. This world is too painful, and all of the beauty within it has ceased to be.
I just didn't fit into his Lynchburg College wonderland.
For the first time in about 4 years, I feel truly hopeless. I honestly don't care whether I live or die.
Trusting people is hard enough to do, and it only gets harder once you feel betrayed. I think most people lose a lot of trust and never want to open up again. I hope you don't do this though.
For every guy that doesn't get you, there is one that will. And I hope you believe me when I say there is someone who will fit with you, have faith in you, and be there unconditionally.
You won't always be alone. I can pretty much promise you that.
You don't sound whiny, naive, unreasonable...you just sound like you're in a lot of pain. I hope things get better sweetheart. Please, if I can say or do anything...
Feel better pretty girl, and don't give up on people no matter how much it hurts.
Men, women, children, dogs...all confusing. Let's just revise the phrase to "Everyone is goddamn confusing."