ariadnelefay

So.. right now I am sitting on the floor of my dining room, in the corner, with my new computer. I am hunched over, and my back hurts. The good new is that my new LCD screen is so GORRAM pretty! Also, the computer didn't go *esplode* when I turned it on (thanks Mark).

I am eating Mattar Paneer. YUMM.....

So.. Jawa got tickets from some guy at work to see Earth,Wind, and Fire tonight in Cary,NC. He asked Emily, she couldn't go, so he automatically hands them over to Mark. Long story short, so one else could go, so I went with him. I love me some 70s funk/soul music. I must have been black in a previous life.

Mark and I talked a bit on the way too and from the concert. In this conversation, I realized the basis of our relationship problems.

Me: "I guess one of the reasons that I decided that I couldn't be with you anymore is because I told you many times that I wasn't comfortable with what we were doing with other girls, and it seemed like you weren't willing to give that up."

Mark: *Terribly confused look.*

Me: "Are you OK?"

Mark:" I honestly don't remember having that conversation with you."

Me: " Really....? All those times I cried and kept asking you how you could do things with other girls?"

Mark: " I honestly don't remember."

Me: "Wow... our communication sucked!"

Mark:" Yeah...."

It's almost laughable.... but kinda sad.

He also assured me that he was completely fine with Travis and I being together, and that he wanted me to be happy. He said he was glad that I was with such a good guy (I'm well aware), but that if I was with some asshole then he wouldn't be so thrilled.

On the way back... things got pretty rocky. After listening to music for a while, I brought up a very sore issue. I won't elaborate, but Mark did something that hurt me ALOT after I had broken up with him. I kind of went on a little rant about it, but made it clear that I wasn't still angry, I just wanted to understand. I also pointed out that he never really told me how he felt about us breaking up. He did the usual Mark "I don't knows" ( I always hated those). After I brought up the sore issue, he wouldn't speak to me and started to get really upset. I tried to convince him to pull over (we were in Yanceyville at this point), but he insisted to keep driving. He didn't speak to me until he pulled up to my house and I insisted that we talk because I didn't want to leave with tension between us. I leave for college thursday, and I felt this was my last chance to try and make things OK between us. In short, he told me that he was really upset about what he had done, and that he regretted it, and he was sorry that he hurt me. That made me feel SO much better, because now I don't feel like our relationship meant nothing. I still have a lot of unanswered questions, but I'm pretty sure that he couldn't answer them anyway. he told me he understood why I had to leave him, I told him that I couldn't be in a relationship in which I felt so completely alone all of the time, he told me he knew this. I told him that I dated him for two years and still barely feel like I know who he really is, he said he knew this. I made him promise me that he wouldn't do something so self- destructive again because he's so much better than that. Some more words were said. I told him that I still deeply cared for him, but I can't be with him. He said he knew this. I told him that I didn't want to lose touch because he is still one of the most important people in my life. He said OK. We hugged and I went inside.

I'm really glad that we reached some sense of closure. I'm glad that I might actually be able to remain friends with one of my ex's for once.

This is the conclusion of one chapter, and the beginning of the next. It's hard, and it fucking hurts. But this is life, and right now, it's so fucking worth it.