arete

For some reason or another, I have been asked why I became a suicide girl a lot lately. So I figured I should start thinking about it, and fast. It's a shite position to be in, really, when someone asks you why you willing expose yourself on the internet. Because with any waver of your voice, any hesitation, you're proving to the person who's asking that you've been exploited. Or that you're too dumb to even realize that you're a "victim of misogyny". It doesn't matter who you're talking to- a concerned female acquaintance, a brotherly type male friend, a prospective lover- they cannot wrap their mind around the idea that their "sweet, normal friend" would willingly "demean" themselves like that. On the one hand they see their normal female friend, but on the other they see a girl aligning herself with a part of their brain that has traditionally been reserved for "sluts", for that part of sexuality that no "respectable" person likes to admit exists. You can't be both an upstanding citizen and naked on the internet, because exposing that side of yourself automatically overshadows anything else you've done.

Even intelligent, well educated, alleged "feminists" subscribe to this idea. The mother/whore dichotomy:

"Subscribers to one model, the mother/whore dichotomy, hold that women can only be "mothers" or "whores." Another variant is the virgin/whore dichotomy, in which women who do not adhere to a saintly standard of moral purity are considered 'whores.'"


I look at what my lovely Posh said in a previous entry:

What is it about my being naked on the internet that overshadows every other aspect or role in my life? The fact that I'm
a feminist
a best friend
a girlfriend
a daughter
a PERSON
with a LIFE

And what does it say about YOU as a sexual being when the fact that I'm naked on the internet can instantly change your opinion of me? What is so powerful about nudity that it instantly becomes more important, more defining, than anything else a person does?

**I cannot speak for all other porn/erotica/whatever you choose to call it, because I do believe that certain other types of porn are different. Those types of porn actually align themselves with the mother/whore dichotomy. They strip all discernable personality off of their "models" and portray them as "whores". But on this website, where the girls are encouraged to theme their sets after their interests, to dress in their own clothes, to weight as much or as little as they want, and to dye and tattoo (or not- like me) themselves as much as makes them happy.

"But aren't you worried about how people will view you after they find out you're a Suicide Girl?"

Well you mean, besides the fact that you view me differently now? It makes me think of a very interesting conversation I had with some very intelligent ladies about other people-male or female-using the word "slut" when referring to someone else. This is what I said-

Even if i openly called myself a "slut", i really don't think it's appropriate for anyone else to do so. the act of being a "slut" is between you and whoever you decide to have consenual sex with. being a slut doesn't suddenly make you the sex toy of the fucking world, it doesn't mean that anyone who wants to fuck you is free to do so. it's about it being YOUR choice. sex, regarless of how promiscuous you are, is still a personal thing and a personal choice. so using the word "slut" to refer to someone else is sort of like (for lack of a less pretentious term) conversational rape. it's kind of the same way i view SG- just because i'm open with my sexuality does not give anyone the right to assume that they can treat me any differently from how they would treat someone who isn't naked on the internet.


I did Suicide Girls for two reasons-

1)To knock nudity and sexuality down to the same level as every other aspect of a person. To make people realize that a sexual person is still a PERSON, and that being a sexual person doesn't make you less in any way.

2)To help people realize that anyone who chooses to align themselves with something like SG is not wearing a sign that says "I'll fuck anyone!". My being naked on the internet does not give you the right to treat me any differently, or to assume that I will treat you any differently.


There are at least 20 things I could tell you I've gained from becoming a Suicide Girl. Here's some good ones.....

-After staring at naked chicks all day long, you sort of get desensitized to the fact that you're looking at someone's vulva. When I look at SG sets now, I see so many different things. I see a personality. Emotion. Their beautiful tattoos.

-I've had the opportunity to see REAL naked women. Their personalities, their creativity. It is one of the most intimate things I've ever experienced.

- I've met some hella awesome people and i want to thank all of you for understanding.