*long journal entry ahead*
if i could steal her away from him, i would.... i think about her all the time, although i am forcing myself to not think of her. we seemed to click so well... but methinks that nothing will come of it, and i have done something to freak her out, because the past couple times i have asked her out to coffee, or some other random thing, she ok's it... and then cancles later due to lots of homework. i know that's a perfectly legitamate excuse, becuase i'm a procrastinator, and i always have a huge pile of work to do (that never gets done...), but i can't help but wonder if she is simply trying to "nicely" tell me that she isn't interested. perhaps i am caught up in a sea of delusions, and none of this amounts to anything of substance. just me overanalyzing things again... but i care for her so much, even though i know so little about her. it's so easy for me to fall for someone... it's like i desperately need somebody to cling to because i am so unhappy with myself. why can't i just be happy alone? it's been about two years since i've been in a relationship, or even went out on a date (in fact, i've never been out on a "date"). god, i'm so confused.... i just want to hold her in my arms, and watch the sun set, or rise for that matter. listen to her read her poetry, just sit around, people watching at a coffee shop.... so many simple little things, but they seem so perfect with her. maybe i'm reaching that point of desperation where this would be true of anyone... and she's just one of many people who could trigger this reaction from me. i don't know if i can trust my own emotions anymore... is it truely something akin to love? or is it just my lonliness overtaking me... so hard to tell... i just need somebody to hold me. somebody to cuddle with. somebody to remind me that i am alive... because every day seems so dreary... empty. i just need somebody to hold...
if i could steal her away from him, i would.... i think about her all the time, although i am forcing myself to not think of her. we seemed to click so well... but methinks that nothing will come of it, and i have done something to freak her out, because the past couple times i have asked her out to coffee, or some other random thing, she ok's it... and then cancles later due to lots of homework. i know that's a perfectly legitamate excuse, becuase i'm a procrastinator, and i always have a huge pile of work to do (that never gets done...), but i can't help but wonder if she is simply trying to "nicely" tell me that she isn't interested. perhaps i am caught up in a sea of delusions, and none of this amounts to anything of substance. just me overanalyzing things again... but i care for her so much, even though i know so little about her. it's so easy for me to fall for someone... it's like i desperately need somebody to cling to because i am so unhappy with myself. why can't i just be happy alone? it's been about two years since i've been in a relationship, or even went out on a date (in fact, i've never been out on a "date"). god, i'm so confused.... i just want to hold her in my arms, and watch the sun set, or rise for that matter. listen to her read her poetry, just sit around, people watching at a coffee shop.... so many simple little things, but they seem so perfect with her. maybe i'm reaching that point of desperation where this would be true of anyone... and she's just one of many people who could trigger this reaction from me. i don't know if i can trust my own emotions anymore... is it truely something akin to love? or is it just my lonliness overtaking me... so hard to tell... i just need somebody to hold me. somebody to cuddle with. somebody to remind me that i am alive... because every day seems so dreary... empty. i just need somebody to hold...
I understand your emotions and needs very well, infact I think that everyone can relate to these different emotions and cravings at some point in their lifetime. I will just tell you what I've come to realize. It is better to get to know your own emotions and self first before you try to be with someone else. You will understand yourself better and then so can the person you ever end up with in the future. You might already be aware of these things, but actually getting to know how you really are can be scary. Also, starting to realize that you might have to be alone for a while can be a scary feeling as well. I am now anti-relationship, I have no real desire to even ever get married or find anyone new. I haven't always been like this though. I used to want to get married and find that one special love forever. I think next will be a balancing of the two extremes. I'm happy with myself, not always the way my life is going, but me, I am comfortible with my personality. I know myself really well and for you to ever know yourself well enough you have to go through lonliness and different emotions. You won't be alone forever though. Your wanting to be with this girl might also just be stemmed from your current fear of being alone..wait for the girl that is right for you, don't wait for someone elses girl to maybe want you. I also know what its like to want someone who is already in a relationship, it hurts, but I know that they would never really be mine, so I moved on quickly. Then, I've been on the other side of it where someone else likes me while I'm in the relationship. Even if I might want to be with them or not, it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong, even if it can be somewhat flattering. Life and love work in mysterious ways, you'll never know what will end up happening. Good luck!