anomaly11

i am so non-plussed. last night some people came over to the studio to drink beer and get in the hot tub. my friends q and l.m. from new york were in town and they also know dave and wenley so everyone came over to hang out. it was good to see them and we discussed how interwoven all of our burner circles and life stories were. everyone got into the hot tub and things were going very well for awhile, i even started talking to dave more than i have recently, and i was fine with wenley being there. but then everyone got kinda drunk and maybe stoned and for some reason the boy volunteered to wenley that she should spend the night, apparently so she wouldnt have to drive home when she was so tired. he asked me if that was ok, but not until after he brought it up with her. i was tired and trying to keep everything cool, so of course i didnt want to recind the offer. he seemed to be under the impression that that meant she would sleep upstairs with us, which was another interesting choice given a) i could tell from the way she and dave were playing that that was the furthest thing from her mind, and b) he knows quite well my strategy and mental state about the whole situation, so how having her sleep with us would be helpful, i know not. but i was prepared for anything, i had reiki for the first time at the free whore clinic earlier in the night and the practitioner really made me reconsider some of my thought patterns when we were talking about the powers of positive thinking and how a perspective change can affect you. so i felt like this might lead to something interesting, a breakthrough, perhaps, although i wouldnt have initiated the situation myself. anyway, the boy went upstairs and i got distracted by the household computer, everyone had gone but wenley and dave and they were sitting on the couch together. so im h4x0ring away and they start fucking around on the couch right behind me. SO UNNECESSARY. mi is in europe, they could have so easily gone to her room, discretely, or maybe anything else but let me hear their caresses three feet or so behind me. and everyone is very aware of the situation and my sensitivity, which , given, may seem over-reactive , but that just seemed like such a blatant act of disrespect on both of their parts. i couldnt believe it.

mmm.......elliot smith.....

i keep having nightmares, barely remembered at this point. when i wake up i feel sore and troubled, like ive been fighting or crying all night.

there was a sparrow in the bathroom yesterday, i caught it in a towel and let it fly off of the deck. im always glad when nature unexpectedly forces itself into my consciousness, it feels unpredictable and joyous.

i tried to bribe ben yesterday, i emailed him saying id send him a birthday present if he sent my christmas present soon. it was a good way to be able to send him a book i saw at city lights and really thought he should have without being too weird about it and hopefully also getting my christmas present, finally. i think i know what it is, and im hoping it will come in time for the free whore clinic 'ho-down' benefit next week. im going to be part of a performance and im really excited about it. i need to get a bier,litter, or stretcher made for myself. i think the boy's ex is going to be in town for it and we pettily want to be extra fabulous mostly for our own, but slightly for her benefit. i indulge these things when they dont hurt anyone and help me do things i want for myself anyway.

jay wrote me the most beautiful, heartfelt, romantic email a few days ago that i just read last night. hes been reading my journal here and since i like making him cry (but mostly so i can kiss up the tears and stroke his hair and tell him i love him) im going to mention him and let everyone know how wonderful and important he is to me. i cant wait for my schoolgirl set to go up so that his band, swath, can get some pseudo-pr0n exposure. swath is awesome, and weird things can happen at the swath house.

the boy told the story of how he got his duckie tattoo last night, which was cool because i hadnt heard it before. "i built a giant rubber duck jazz bar in the middle of the desert, so im not sweating it either" burners are so beautifully crazy. i started reading the electric kool aid acid test yesterday on the bus and the descriptions of the merry pranksters remind me a lot of the people and situations i find myself immersed in here, except we all have that ironic post-modern edge and ive never done acid.

ive been missing my sluttiness a lot lately. im hoping that things will continue to improve with the boy to the point that hell feel more comfortable with my wayward tendencies soon. ive been refraining, by choice, since the first couple of weeks we were together from really flexing my slut muscle, but lately ive been aching for some exercise. however i want to make sure that things are really good between us, because i dont want to cause any unnecessary drama or emotional damage. i have a little morbid fantasy about seducing his ex at the ho-down, but that just comes from my mischevious pan-like urges to always fuck shit up. tee hee. i kinda enjoy the fact that my journals are so long no one reads them anymore. it gives me the feeling of being flamboyantly anonymous.

my three positive reminders of joy for yesterday:
-the bird in the bathroom
-the boy kissing me for half an hour and falling asleep that way
-getting weird sexual photography books that used to belong to annie sprinkle for free at the free whore clinic