annajoy

i found myself randomly watching all of 'remains of the day' last night. i dig movies of this genre- 'sense and sensibility', 'room with a view', 'gosford park', etc. and i also marveled last night at all that anthony hopkins is able to convey without uttering a word.

why do i like movies where the characters are compelled to keep their own counsel? where they repress and withhold and suffer in silence? in contemplating this last night i at first thought it was just being impressed with superb acting, and admiring complicated characters. but i think it might be more than that. there is something mysterious to me about people with deep, quiet inner lives. still waters. like i have always gone for the guy in the corner reading a book instead of the guy in the center of the room telling a joke. but that's not my point. my point is about communication. words. or lack thereof.

the kind of communication i see in movies like this is so different than how i imagine living my life happily, yet there is something about it that is fascinating and desirable to me. on one hand i don't want to hold back what i think or feel, and on the other hand there is almost always something going on in my head that i would never say.

i am full of contradictions about communication. i prefer to be quiet, yet i believe that talking about everything is utterly important. i don't often think that what i have to say would be interesting to people, and yet in most discussions with groups i find myself with something i want to contribute. i sometimes feel like i am talking myself to death, but i don't know what else to do. words rob me of magic, but i don't know how to get around them. i want those i am close to to know what i want or need without me having to say it, but i think it is unfair for them to expect the same of me. contradictions. words. tangles of communication.

interestingly enough, most of this stuff went through my head even before j. called and we had a long discussion about (among other things) my reactions to his words. reacting to ideas, questions, statements, rather than action.

blah. and here i am writing guess what? words. trying to understand myself, trying to connect, trying to be whole. words seem to be failing.