annajoy

"It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the joy that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson

this seems to be a theme running through people lately. i had a cathartic experience along these lines, which started on an airplane coming home from san diego, manifested itself further yesterday while at work, and ended with a big cry and deep conversation with first lori, my therapist, and then with j.

i have long been trying to liberate myself from fear, and part of my conversation with lori last night was about the ideal i hold myself to versus who i actually am. and because it is impossible to achieve the ideal every time in every situation, i find myself feeling like i am "not enough". not enough in my work, in my personal care, in my relationships, in my studies. so, one result of this feeling is cocooning myself from deep connections with people. i don't let people in. i don't allow myself to need specific people much.

this fear is partially rationalized by the way i grew up. an only child, i lived in 10 places in 17 years, and most of the moves were across the country. arkansas, texas, connecticut, florida, tennessee, washington, south florida, central florida, michigan. while this constant influx of new faces and places growing up made me able to meet new people easily and adapt to many situations, it also only allowed me to get to know people on a certain level, and more importantly, i only allowed people to know me to a certain point. i never revealed, i never got close, because i learned that any bonds i made would be snatched away.

the other issue about growing up was that i, like many people were as kids, was very awkward, mousy, introverted, and far too interested in school. plus i was always 'the new kid'. i made attempts to be myself, with my joy for learning and my homemade clothing and my neive acceptance of people at face value. but these atempts to be genuine were rejected by my peers. they made me feel like who i truly was was not acceptable and dumb. "not good enough".

so, like many people, i find it difficult to accept myself or grow with patience and grace. and i find it difficult to let people into my life on a deep level, because i am so sure that they will eventually figure out that i am not good enough or just not enough, and if i don't get too close, then this relevation on thier part will not harm me as much.

the other level of this is that it is easier for me to believe that i am not enough. it is safer, it is familiar and comfortable. much easier than allowing myself to be comfortable with who i am, and to manifest the joy what lives within me all the time. easier than pushing myself to love and grow with expecations that are reasonable, allowing for failure, allowing for being human.

But, at least on one level, this is changing.

i am for perhaps the first time in my life letting someone in, allowing myself to need someone, willing to accept the risk of deep pain in exchange for deep connection and communion and fulfillment. and letting someone else in means letting myself in, accepting my imperfections without judging them, loving myself in spite of them.

this is happening for the first time in my life. i'm 30.

while i will not run away, and while it is something i want, it is scary.