stuff i thought about while laying in bed last night:
1. television was strange and manipulative. first i watched 'queer eye', and in spite of myself, got really into it. it was the first time they have gotten a guy ready to propose to his girlfriend. and it was so fucking sweet, i almost lost it. i mean, anyone who knows me knows that i am more than a little suspicious of marriage as a natural state of being, and even if i did dream of marriage, i am not sure i would want my proposal night to be orchestrated by the fab 5. HOWEVER, i also somehow got past this cynical point of view and found myself thinking, "jesus, he really loves this woman, and he just wants the moment to be perfect, and that is incredibly sweet." and she loved him way before the queer eye transformation, so...
see? manipulative!
then rufus wainwright was on craig kilbourn, and that is when things just started feeling surreal. had to turn off the tv after that.
2. i turned the tv on in the first place because i was too creeped out to not have a distraction. i have been rereading king's 'the stand', and boy it's good. and just as disconcerting this time around as it was when i read it the first time at the age of 11. even though i try to steer away from duality, and other pop culture influences that i enjoy (buffy, comics, etc) reject duality, i find the 2 camp structure in 'the stand' compelling. really enjoying it, looking forward to getting into 'dark tower' in december. would like to find something to give j. that he would find interesting to read.
3. i don't have the money to finish school right now. i can't register for the next term because i owe them too much money, and don't have a way to pay it off anytime soon. don't know what i am going to do.
4. i randomly used a book of matches that had noel's phone number on it, from 6 years ago. i have not talked to him in 4 years. and i have not really been his friend in 15 years. i miss him. and how do i still have these matches?
5. i find my failed attempts to open up to people pretty unsatisfying. or, not exactly that, more like i feel so socially awkward sometimes that i am not capable of opening up. i am much more comfortable sitting in silence. but instead of doing that, i create meaningless conversation that reveals nothing about myself, and is false and forced. i did that with emily at lunch last week. ultimately not satisfying. sigh.
1. television was strange and manipulative. first i watched 'queer eye', and in spite of myself, got really into it. it was the first time they have gotten a guy ready to propose to his girlfriend. and it was so fucking sweet, i almost lost it. i mean, anyone who knows me knows that i am more than a little suspicious of marriage as a natural state of being, and even if i did dream of marriage, i am not sure i would want my proposal night to be orchestrated by the fab 5. HOWEVER, i also somehow got past this cynical point of view and found myself thinking, "jesus, he really loves this woman, and he just wants the moment to be perfect, and that is incredibly sweet." and she loved him way before the queer eye transformation, so...
see? manipulative!
then rufus wainwright was on craig kilbourn, and that is when things just started feeling surreal. had to turn off the tv after that.
2. i turned the tv on in the first place because i was too creeped out to not have a distraction. i have been rereading king's 'the stand', and boy it's good. and just as disconcerting this time around as it was when i read it the first time at the age of 11. even though i try to steer away from duality, and other pop culture influences that i enjoy (buffy, comics, etc) reject duality, i find the 2 camp structure in 'the stand' compelling. really enjoying it, looking forward to getting into 'dark tower' in december. would like to find something to give j. that he would find interesting to read.
3. i don't have the money to finish school right now. i can't register for the next term because i owe them too much money, and don't have a way to pay it off anytime soon. don't know what i am going to do.
4. i randomly used a book of matches that had noel's phone number on it, from 6 years ago. i have not talked to him in 4 years. and i have not really been his friend in 15 years. i miss him. and how do i still have these matches?
5. i find my failed attempts to open up to people pretty unsatisfying. or, not exactly that, more like i feel so socially awkward sometimes that i am not capable of opening up. i am much more comfortable sitting in silence. but instead of doing that, i create meaningless conversation that reveals nothing about myself, and is false and forced. i did that with emily at lunch last week. ultimately not satisfying. sigh.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
in the few times we've spoken here, you've been open and honest about your own feelings. and you've been caring of my feelings, too.
i think the depth of your emotions govern how willing you are to share them. introspection leads us to careful probing and evaluating and judging before we believe we have something valuable to give back.
and you DO have something valuable to give. the few things we've said have meant a great deal to me as an outsider here.
[Edited on Nov 12, 2003 8:43PM]