anaphalaxis

It has been an odd week. Nothing in particular has gone wrong but I feel... funny. I am gliding around with a Mona Lisa face, somewhat bemused, somewhat ok, somewhat not ok.

I can't quite work out how I feel.

Spring was springing. Sharp days but clear and bright as though reality had been intensified somehow. Then rain and wind. I felt like the trees were quivering with anticipation, but as the cold weather stalked back the buds rescinded in to the bark to wait for warmer times.

I hate it when it rains when just above freezing. It's the worst kind of cold.

So I told the young lady mentioned in my last blog what I had decided. In the end I skipped the big fat lie and simply told her that there was something missing, and that although I thought she was a great girl I just didn't feel as strongly about her as I felt I should in order to pursue anything with her. Unfortunately she was determined to make it difficult, and as I knew she would pressed and pressed for more information. I thought that I'd made a pretty clear statement, but she insisted on asking me to say it every which way. That's not such an easy thing to do without drastically hurting someone's feelings. In the end I told her that I didn't think there was a spark, which upset her a lot. I back-pedalled a bit and said that I felt one initially, but not any more, and that I just wasn't feeling the way I should about meeting someone I am thinking of getting involved with.

I think the lie was the way to go. She'd have liked it not at all, but she couldn't have escaped the reality of what I was saying. The way it proceeded she basically refused to accept what I was saying and said something along the lines of "I think you're just being silly and you'll change your mind". I didn't get in to the whys and wherefores of my decision. Perhaps I should have. She'd have understood what I meant then, but I just didn't feel able to character assassinate her in order to make her believe I wasn't going to change my mind. She's gone on holiday for 2 weeks. I have a feeling when she returns the saga will continue.

In other news business has been brisk, and I've been busy. I've got horribly drunk and hung over twice this week, which has made things even busier due to feeling shite, and went out to dinner twice, which involved drinking again, although much more modestly. Despite the socialising I think I feel a bit lonely. That happens quite easily when I'm working and forgetting to go out and see people, but not usually when I have been out every night. If I wasn't so fussy I think I'd be a serial monogamist.

I wish I had some bark I could rescind back in to and wait for warmer times.