Every year, I cringe when someone wishes me a Merry Christmas, then, remembering that I am a heathen pariah, corrects himself to "Happy Holidays" or worse "Happy Chanuka." I always tell them, "It's okay! You can say, 'Merry Christmas!' It doesn't hurt anyone!" The game of semantics that is always played around this time of year has sickened me for a long time, especially since I am such a fan of the holiday. I love that there is a day set aside in our culture for joy and togetherness and goodwill towards others, and I wish that so much of it wasn't phoned in. If you honestly believe that attaching the word Christ to your pagan solstice rituals will keep you from going to Hell for practicing them, I won't tell you you're wrong. If you want to share your joy with others in this season, go ahead! How could anyone be offended by you wishing them happiness, even on a day that he doesn't consider holy? It's not really forcing your religion on anyone. Nobody really believes that being happy on Christmas constitutes the worship of a false god. I am even more sickened by the commonly accepted exclusionary practice of making concessions to Jews, like putting a giant Hannukiah next to the giant Christmas tree, giving the message that Christians, Atheists, Muslims, Buddhists, and Wiccans are part of this amalgamated culture, but not Jews. Besides, Chanukah is no more a Jewish holiday than Christmas is a Christian one.
So, leave it to the Religious Right to make me feel guilty for having a perfectly reasonable opinion. When I first heard that there was a movement to get "Merry Christmas" back in our parlance, I thought it might be something I could get behind, but when I heard it was headed up by pundits from Fox News, I thought, "Oh, fuck. They're probably doing something stupid." Sure enough, they have suggested a boycott on any stores that greet people with "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." These subnormal fascists don't seem to get that the open practice of your religion may not be exclusionary, but forcing people to say "Merry Christmas" is blatantly forcing your religion on other people. Get it through your thick skulls that in America, there is no official national religion. If you have a problem with that, then you should be proposing legislation to make your perversion of Christianity into the official religion of America. Quit pussyfooting around the issue!
Anyway, they are saying there is a "War on Christmas." It has long been popular to call any conflict, real or imagined, a "war," because it sounds dramatic and it desensitizes us to actual war. Personally, my political philosophy is inspired by movies from the 80's and involves reducing any conflict to a case of the snobs vs. the slobs. For instance, in The American Revolution, the stuffy, imperialist, tea-drinking British didn't stand a chance against the wild, nonconformist colonists. In the predictable sequel, "The American Revolution II: The Revolution Goes to France," you just knew that the comically uptight French aristocracy wouldn't get out of it with their heads attached to their necks. In the American Civil War, the Confederate generals were proper Southern Gentlemen, whereas the Union generals were drunkards and arsonists. Advantage: North. And stodgy old Lyndon Johnson and Richard Nixon were just begging to get their asses handed to them by the rock-and-rolling Viet Cong. This "War on Christmas" seems to be part of a larger culture skirmish fought between the fundamentalists and the intellectuals. This looks to be a case of the snobs vs. the other snobs. In the end, I don't think there will be a winner.
So, leave it to the Religious Right to make me feel guilty for having a perfectly reasonable opinion. When I first heard that there was a movement to get "Merry Christmas" back in our parlance, I thought it might be something I could get behind, but when I heard it was headed up by pundits from Fox News, I thought, "Oh, fuck. They're probably doing something stupid." Sure enough, they have suggested a boycott on any stores that greet people with "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." These subnormal fascists don't seem to get that the open practice of your religion may not be exclusionary, but forcing people to say "Merry Christmas" is blatantly forcing your religion on other people. Get it through your thick skulls that in America, there is no official national religion. If you have a problem with that, then you should be proposing legislation to make your perversion of Christianity into the official religion of America. Quit pussyfooting around the issue!
Anyway, they are saying there is a "War on Christmas." It has long been popular to call any conflict, real or imagined, a "war," because it sounds dramatic and it desensitizes us to actual war. Personally, my political philosophy is inspired by movies from the 80's and involves reducing any conflict to a case of the snobs vs. the slobs. For instance, in The American Revolution, the stuffy, imperialist, tea-drinking British didn't stand a chance against the wild, nonconformist colonists. In the predictable sequel, "The American Revolution II: The Revolution Goes to France," you just knew that the comically uptight French aristocracy wouldn't get out of it with their heads attached to their necks. In the American Civil War, the Confederate generals were proper Southern Gentlemen, whereas the Union generals were drunkards and arsonists. Advantage: North. And stodgy old Lyndon Johnson and Richard Nixon were just begging to get their asses handed to them by the rock-and-rolling Viet Cong. This "War on Christmas" seems to be part of a larger culture skirmish fought between the fundamentalists and the intellectuals. This looks to be a case of the snobs vs. the other snobs. In the end, I don't think there will be a winner.
Sunday I was at the gym and they had on the CBS Sunday Morning show. The closing commentary / opinion was from my hero, the brilliant Ben Stein:
Herewith at this happy time of year, a few confessions from my beating heart:
I have no freaking clue who Nick and Jessica are. I see them on the cover of People and Us constantly when I am buying my dog biscuits and kitty litter. I often ask the checkers at the grocery stores. They never know who Nick and Jessica are either. Who are they? Will it change my life if I know who they are and why they have broken up? Why are they so important? I don't know who Lindsay Lohan is, either, and I do not care at all about Tom Cruise's wife.
Am I going to be called before a Senate committee and asked if I am a subversive? Maybe, but I just have no clue who Nick and Jessica are. Is this what it means to be no longer young. It's not so bad.
Next confession: I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees. It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.
I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.
Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?
I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from and where the America we knew went to"
Amen!