ambergarnet

listening to one of my favorite singers( tori amos) makes me wish i was able to smoke.
as pathetic as this sounds, i have not smoking (mar-i-juan-a) in 5 months..well like a week before i found out i was carrying a spawn of satan.
i guess as mental as this seems. smoking makes me mentally open my mind and be able to get shit off my chest.
i do not smoke that often but everyonce and a while i let myself go and enjoy the mind set i get.
so, my point to my babble is.. i really need to unspin, i feel like i am holding in so much and i cant release it! all this unused energy. this feeling has been something i have had since i was about 13. i would run and hide in the local graveyard and write for hours. as the tears would roll down my cheeks, now it has become the only way i can get away from this world which i have allowed to consume me..
my mind is full of lonliness and i am losing my mind slowly.
i guess i am sick of being alone. i say im dependent yet when i am alone i go nuts.
i need someone in my life to role play with, i have allowed many to stop on there way passing by, yet ive never allowed anyone to completely have me.
my expectations sometimes seem so surreal ,
possibly forcing myself to live in solitude.
this child that i carry will be the most important person in my life always, i guess i want the whole package,
i see others that are so happy and i question why am i the one that is alone. not that i am standing alone on a pedestal.
yet if i stop and think of all that have passed me by i realize i have always found a reason to push them away...
ugh.....
to much frustration