Today is a bad day so far in terms of feeling shit. I was OK until I logged onto gmail and had a little chat with my mum, which brought home to me exactly how miserable I really am.
She kind of made me see exactly how mental I've really gone over here - spending all this time feeling lonely, and missing everyone, and feeling down on myself, and just being homesick and spending far too much time hiding in bed and crying.
I just feel like I'm not really me any more (hopefully this is temporary), that I've changed into this weird grind-y person who never does anything fun any more. Like I'm this middleaged person, instead of a 22 year old girl who is really really confused about how things turned out like this. I never go out. I don't have any friends over here. The only person I see here is Jeremy and I think it's given me a distorted view of how I "ought" to be, in terms of handling being incredibly lonely all the time, because he's my only benchmark over here and he is NOTHING like me.
He seems to be keeping it together a lot more than I am - as soon as we got over here, he instantly produced a clutch of friends who he met from riding BMX, and the 2 bosses we've had both pretty much fell in love with him at first sight (leaving me choking in the dust of his extroverted personality, it feels like) .... so, while he is pretty sick of it over here and occasionally says so, he is nothing like me, who sometimes can hardly get out of bed, and bursts into tears for no obvious reason, and other stuff like that. The other day I spent a lot of it in bed (you got it, crying) and he tried to make me get up by tearing the covers off me and telling me that he really can't handle me being miserable today and can I please cheer up ... which of course made me feel even worse because I couldn't really express how I was feeling and felt this responsibility to Put On A Brave Face for his sake. Which I did, and we went out for a walk, and after awhile I even started to feel better - until somehow we ended up having this huge stupid fight and I ended up in tears (again) and we both hated each other for a few hours. Oh how I love only having 1 person to spend my time with.
I read a book once when I was a little girl, called Bread and Jam for Francis. It's a book about a cute little girl skunk called Francis, whose favourite food is bread and jam, which she eats to the exclusion of all other foods. Her parents wring their hands (paws?) in consternation, trying to tempt her with other dishes, but Francis will have none .... Finally, good old reverse psychology comes to the fore, and they decide to let her get on with it, while they craftily enjoy all sorts of tempting meals. Meanwhile they serve her only bread and jam, while they are all wallowing in gastronomic bliss. Francis, on a diet of bread and jam - willingly dished up by her mother, while the rest of them are enjoying boiled eggs and gherkins and lemon meringues and dainty little side dishes etc - slowly begins to realise that, actually, as much as she loves bread and jam, it might be nice to try something else once in awhile.
That's pretty much where I am right now. I love Jeremy so so much, and he is my best friend; but, on a diet of Jeremy-only socialising, I am starting to feel as though things are sorely lacking and that I've got emotional scurvy from lack of social-nutritional variety!
Anyway so I told Mum how I was feeling pretty guilty for making such a fuss about being over here and doing nothing but working ("0h poor me, having to work an honest day for an honest buck") and asked her if she thought I was spoiled for going on and on about something that everyone has to do; and she said, "What??? Can I rephrase that.. Poor little me, having to do emotionally exhausting stuff, never having enough money (or energy) to get out and about, never having a decent enough worklife or social life so i can make friends and HAVE A FEW LAUGHS...No fun dressing up, going out, having yarns with girlfriends... when was the last time you did things like that???"
Made me think, anyway. I am quite angry with myself for making myself so unhappy all for the sake of money. But the rewards are going to so fantastic - ie when I come home I'll actually be able to afford a nice life, no more grubbing joylessly for pennies in yet ANOTHER shit job - that I'm trying to think of it as like having a root canal: horrible at the time, but necessary to improve quality of life in the long run.
I know this entry is pretty depressing, but please don't worry too much - I'm sure I'll be feeling crazily optimistic in the next few hours (seeing as that seems to be the emotional pattern these days)!
She kind of made me see exactly how mental I've really gone over here - spending all this time feeling lonely, and missing everyone, and feeling down on myself, and just being homesick and spending far too much time hiding in bed and crying.
I just feel like I'm not really me any more (hopefully this is temporary), that I've changed into this weird grind-y person who never does anything fun any more. Like I'm this middleaged person, instead of a 22 year old girl who is really really confused about how things turned out like this. I never go out. I don't have any friends over here. The only person I see here is Jeremy and I think it's given me a distorted view of how I "ought" to be, in terms of handling being incredibly lonely all the time, because he's my only benchmark over here and he is NOTHING like me.
He seems to be keeping it together a lot more than I am - as soon as we got over here, he instantly produced a clutch of friends who he met from riding BMX, and the 2 bosses we've had both pretty much fell in love with him at first sight (leaving me choking in the dust of his extroverted personality, it feels like) .... so, while he is pretty sick of it over here and occasionally says so, he is nothing like me, who sometimes can hardly get out of bed, and bursts into tears for no obvious reason, and other stuff like that. The other day I spent a lot of it in bed (you got it, crying) and he tried to make me get up by tearing the covers off me and telling me that he really can't handle me being miserable today and can I please cheer up ... which of course made me feel even worse because I couldn't really express how I was feeling and felt this responsibility to Put On A Brave Face for his sake. Which I did, and we went out for a walk, and after awhile I even started to feel better - until somehow we ended up having this huge stupid fight and I ended up in tears (again) and we both hated each other for a few hours. Oh how I love only having 1 person to spend my time with.
I read a book once when I was a little girl, called Bread and Jam for Francis. It's a book about a cute little girl skunk called Francis, whose favourite food is bread and jam, which she eats to the exclusion of all other foods. Her parents wring their hands (paws?) in consternation, trying to tempt her with other dishes, but Francis will have none .... Finally, good old reverse psychology comes to the fore, and they decide to let her get on with it, while they craftily enjoy all sorts of tempting meals. Meanwhile they serve her only bread and jam, while they are all wallowing in gastronomic bliss. Francis, on a diet of bread and jam - willingly dished up by her mother, while the rest of them are enjoying boiled eggs and gherkins and lemon meringues and dainty little side dishes etc - slowly begins to realise that, actually, as much as she loves bread and jam, it might be nice to try something else once in awhile.
That's pretty much where I am right now. I love Jeremy so so much, and he is my best friend; but, on a diet of Jeremy-only socialising, I am starting to feel as though things are sorely lacking and that I've got emotional scurvy from lack of social-nutritional variety!
Anyway so I told Mum how I was feeling pretty guilty for making such a fuss about being over here and doing nothing but working ("0h poor me, having to work an honest day for an honest buck") and asked her if she thought I was spoiled for going on and on about something that everyone has to do; and she said, "What??? Can I rephrase that.. Poor little me, having to do emotionally exhausting stuff, never having enough money (or energy) to get out and about, never having a decent enough worklife or social life so i can make friends and HAVE A FEW LAUGHS...No fun dressing up, going out, having yarns with girlfriends... when was the last time you did things like that???"
Made me think, anyway. I am quite angry with myself for making myself so unhappy all for the sake of money. But the rewards are going to so fantastic - ie when I come home I'll actually be able to afford a nice life, no more grubbing joylessly for pennies in yet ANOTHER shit job - that I'm trying to think of it as like having a root canal: horrible at the time, but necessary to improve quality of life in the long run.
I know this entry is pretty depressing, but please don't worry too much - I'm sure I'll be feeling crazily optimistic in the next few hours (seeing as that seems to be the emotional pattern these days)!
bipolar_bear:
I love you. I want you back. When you come back I'm going to envelope you in my arms and never ever let go. You shall be stuck in my life forever. I hate that you're feeling all this Ange. It sounds far too familiar. Brave faces make it worse, but I know you're just trying to function in the world. Oh god, I just want you back here and outtah that hell hole. Remember that I'm sending a constant stream of love to you, always. Corny but true. Missing you. XOXOXOXXOOXO. Skype soon.