Updates for Jen.
I finished that stupid Javascript thing. I didn't capitalize two words. fucking hours wasted on that.
I met a boy.
He is 18 (about two years younger)
He has 1 1/4" gauges in his ears, which i don't even notice.
He does not have a GED
He is vegetarian, by choice.
He does not drink, or do drugs.
He stopped smoking....hopefully for good.
I work with him and he really does not care about his future.
This worries me, but I have no idea what to do. I really like him and right now I just don't know if I should even try for a relationship with him because he is always on the road and he doesn't have a car anymore.
I know that just because i date him doesn't mean i have to marry him, but at the same time I feel like I will try to push him towards being better and I don't know if that's even what he wants.
He likes me and I like him, so those things shouldn't matter but they do.
I guess I'm worried that he will take advantage of me or possibly bring me down, which i won't let happen.
I hate coming back into the dating game. I feel so weird. I feel like i should check with everyone before i dive in.
But on the other hand there is a guy that my friend wants me to meet and he is in school, one year older, very cute, and he has a future. I haven't talked to him yet so i could hate him, but i might just hit it off with him.
So now i feel like i should give the other guy a chance before i get into something with the other kid. I think it's mostly that i want to be there for someone and the younger kid i can do that. I hope it's not because of that, but it just might be.
We have kissed and i guess to him that means we are together but if i don't see him or talk to him for 3 or 4 days, how can we be together. I don't even know when the next time i will see him and when i do, will he stilll like me?
I guess I just found out one of the problems. I think that people will stop liking me. I guess that's what happens when the last two guys that said they loved me all the sudden didn't love me anymore. which means they never were in love with me. So why did they even say it?
The first guy i ever loved called me today. We dated when i was 14 until i was 16. he cheated on me and then two years later asked me to marry him. i couldn't do it. he is a marine and he just got back from Iraq. He has a 7 month old son. He is cuter than anything and the last time he saw his son was when he was 5 days old. What kind of a life can he live where is wasn't there for that long with his son. I know that he is going to be a great father and i really want to meet his son, not so much his wife, but whatever.
I'm typing a lot and it's mostly me just rabbling and getting things off my chest.
Speaking of which, I have no idea what is medically wrong with me. I have been having these pains in the side of my head, not headaches. i got an MRI and it came back normal, which is good, but that doesn't explain my pains. not only that i found out that I am Anemic. I had no idea that i was that either.
To much shit is going on.
I didn't want to find a guy and then all the sudden there are two guys that i might like. one has everything the other doesn't.
but then again, the other guy might not even like who i am. I might not like who he is either. I guess I will find out on Nov. 3 at the halloween party.
I miss my family. I haven't talked to my mother in about 2 weeks. i haven't talked to my grandmother in about a month. i need some alone time to think about shit and to relax. I don't think i have had time to relax in 2 years. summer was so horrible that i didn't even have a moment to think.
i miss my ex's mom. she was always to happy. but she suffered and I'm glad that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. I just wish that he didn't become an asshole. i know that she raised him better than that.
I hate ex-boyfriends.
I hate a lot of things, haha.
I guess I'm just not an upbeat, happy go lucky kind of person. I don't think that I ever really was.
I'm going to bed.
If you have read this far, thanks for hanging in there.
I finished that stupid Javascript thing. I didn't capitalize two words. fucking hours wasted on that.
I met a boy.
He is 18 (about two years younger)
He has 1 1/4" gauges in his ears, which i don't even notice.
He does not have a GED
He is vegetarian, by choice.
He does not drink, or do drugs.
He stopped smoking....hopefully for good.
I work with him and he really does not care about his future.
This worries me, but I have no idea what to do. I really like him and right now I just don't know if I should even try for a relationship with him because he is always on the road and he doesn't have a car anymore.
I know that just because i date him doesn't mean i have to marry him, but at the same time I feel like I will try to push him towards being better and I don't know if that's even what he wants.
He likes me and I like him, so those things shouldn't matter but they do.
I guess I'm worried that he will take advantage of me or possibly bring me down, which i won't let happen.
I hate coming back into the dating game. I feel so weird. I feel like i should check with everyone before i dive in.
But on the other hand there is a guy that my friend wants me to meet and he is in school, one year older, very cute, and he has a future. I haven't talked to him yet so i could hate him, but i might just hit it off with him.
So now i feel like i should give the other guy a chance before i get into something with the other kid. I think it's mostly that i want to be there for someone and the younger kid i can do that. I hope it's not because of that, but it just might be.
We have kissed and i guess to him that means we are together but if i don't see him or talk to him for 3 or 4 days, how can we be together. I don't even know when the next time i will see him and when i do, will he stilll like me?
I guess I just found out one of the problems. I think that people will stop liking me. I guess that's what happens when the last two guys that said they loved me all the sudden didn't love me anymore. which means they never were in love with me. So why did they even say it?
The first guy i ever loved called me today. We dated when i was 14 until i was 16. he cheated on me and then two years later asked me to marry him. i couldn't do it. he is a marine and he just got back from Iraq. He has a 7 month old son. He is cuter than anything and the last time he saw his son was when he was 5 days old. What kind of a life can he live where is wasn't there for that long with his son. I know that he is going to be a great father and i really want to meet his son, not so much his wife, but whatever.
I'm typing a lot and it's mostly me just rabbling and getting things off my chest.
Speaking of which, I have no idea what is medically wrong with me. I have been having these pains in the side of my head, not headaches. i got an MRI and it came back normal, which is good, but that doesn't explain my pains. not only that i found out that I am Anemic. I had no idea that i was that either.
To much shit is going on.
I didn't want to find a guy and then all the sudden there are two guys that i might like. one has everything the other doesn't.
but then again, the other guy might not even like who i am. I might not like who he is either. I guess I will find out on Nov. 3 at the halloween party.
I miss my family. I haven't talked to my mother in about 2 weeks. i haven't talked to my grandmother in about a month. i need some alone time to think about shit and to relax. I don't think i have had time to relax in 2 years. summer was so horrible that i didn't even have a moment to think.
i miss my ex's mom. she was always to happy. but she suffered and I'm glad that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. I just wish that he didn't become an asshole. i know that she raised him better than that.
I hate ex-boyfriends.
I hate a lot of things, haha.
I guess I'm just not an upbeat, happy go lucky kind of person. I don't think that I ever really was.
I'm going to bed.
If you have read this far, thanks for hanging in there.
Okay.
* Code sucks. Far as I know they are phasing out Java from a lot of things.
* Boy 1 - Your desire to take care of things that are broken is something I know is hard to fight. We came from a pretty broken effed up place, both of us, and it's in our nature to find whats broken, give it hope and fix it. It's just one of those things. This boy, while cute and possibly a good kisser, does not even begin to match your own desire to progress in life. This is not a status thing, not a rich-snobbery thing, it is the ability to see awesome in yourself, to push yourself, to set goals and get there. You are about proving shit to yourself. Not giving a shit, dropping out of things, doing nothing, it's rot. You can help this boy without kissing. Trust me, while he is probably a lot of what you wish you could do right now (just fuckin give all this shit up and relax, get your turn to fuck off, etc. [and who would blame you?]) and may be a happy release, his issues would probably be toxic to you at this time. i wouldn't take it beyond kissing - just sounds like a trap. Being attracted to somebody is not a wedding ring, or even a fucking commitment, however - that does not mean that this person is not effecting you in some way. I think it would be better to say, I'm really attracted to you, you're a great friend, but I'm not ready to get in to a serious relationship. That kind of thing.
*Boy 2 - Give him a chance, you may or may not click. I would suggest DATING some boys before settling down again. Make them take you out and stuff. However I would like to interject that it is A LOT easier to handle a relationship and keep it healthy when your S.O. has motivation to match yours. A LOT. But do not settle.
You need a vacation. Also, a brain dump. Take a minute to write like.. I don't know a good-bye letter to all the things you don't need in your brain right now, and then let it go at that. Give yourself a break. Get out of town for even a few days, or take some days off work & school. Everyone NEEDS a mental health day or three. Give yourself some of your time. I know that it is super hard but it is 1000000 times better then making yourself sick and going crazy. Take it from me.
Hey - they did an MRI on my head for my migraines - "nothing is wrong" with me either. but i get sick. i've found it's easier to think about my days and keep them all together, think about what I did on that day and try to find a connection. I have a lot of connections - from eating enough / right to sugars to smells to stress to lady time... it's dumb. have you looked for connections? that is a good place to start, since the fancy computers don't help.
you know you are always welcome up here if you need a quiet place for a week. we are within 5 miles or so of downtown, 4 blocks from the zoo. it's good stuff.
chin up lady. you don't have to be upbeat or happy go lucky or on acid to be persistent and take good care of yourself.
love you