Sooo...I'm single. Long story and I don't want to talk about it. It hurt and now he is calling me and wants to hang out. I don't know what to do because people say that I still love him, but I don't even want to think about it.
I guess I do want to talk about the fact that I feel like I can never trust a man again. Like I really tried to trust and it always turns out like shit. I am also afraid to date because what if he pulls the same shit that every other guy did. They say they love me and then BAM, they don't love me or want to be with me. Then they go off and have some great life. Fuck that. I should be having the good life. I should be the one that is happy without them, but alas. Here I am another broken hearted bitch.
I hate being all boo-hoo-ish. I made a really great friend but in that process have made another friend mad. I have been kinda living with my friend erin who I have known for about 8 years. We have a mutual friend, kayla, who we used to hang out with all the time. When erin got her own place kayla and i were over there a lot and now kayla never comes over and she told erin that she wants to spend some time with just her. I was like wow, that makes me feel fucking great. I am like a burden or something? If erin didn't want me there she wouldn't fucking invite me over. I guess I'm just pissed that she didn't have the guts to tell me too.
I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not saying that being with him defined who i was, but i knew that I had a reason for getting up. I wanted to be everything for him and that wasn't enough. I get that. But now it's like....what do i do? I hate thinking about it and i hate dealing with it even more. We had like 20 mutual friends and i can't stand to be around them because they talk about him. It's like I just don't want to go on with my life the way that it was before. I don't want to go to school or work. I hate waking up. This whole thing has made me hateful and bitter. I know that my mutual friends are still my friends but I just am not ready. It's been a month, over a month and it still feels like yesterday. I still am not over his mom's death and I have no way of really letting her or them go. I know I said I didn't want to talk about it but here I am, talking about it. I guess it was a huge shock, all of it.
I also realized that a lot of the decisions that I have made regarding school was in the frame of mind that I won't be alive to deal with it. I really thought that I wouldn't make it to 21. Granted I still have about 3 months to go, I just have that frame of mind. I'm not going to kill myself but I really thought that something else would have by now.
I also have to go to the doctors because I have had shooting strings of pain in the side of my head since may. They are on and off but they are much more frequent. I'm afraid to go. I have been 5 other times for the same thing and they just keep running in circles. They said they might have to do a catscan but they are worried about doing it on someone so young. I'm so tired. Of everything.
I guess I do want to talk about the fact that I feel like I can never trust a man again. Like I really tried to trust and it always turns out like shit. I am also afraid to date because what if he pulls the same shit that every other guy did. They say they love me and then BAM, they don't love me or want to be with me. Then they go off and have some great life. Fuck that. I should be having the good life. I should be the one that is happy without them, but alas. Here I am another broken hearted bitch.
I hate being all boo-hoo-ish. I made a really great friend but in that process have made another friend mad. I have been kinda living with my friend erin who I have known for about 8 years. We have a mutual friend, kayla, who we used to hang out with all the time. When erin got her own place kayla and i were over there a lot and now kayla never comes over and she told erin that she wants to spend some time with just her. I was like wow, that makes me feel fucking great. I am like a burden or something? If erin didn't want me there she wouldn't fucking invite me over. I guess I'm just pissed that she didn't have the guts to tell me too.
I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not saying that being with him defined who i was, but i knew that I had a reason for getting up. I wanted to be everything for him and that wasn't enough. I get that. But now it's like....what do i do? I hate thinking about it and i hate dealing with it even more. We had like 20 mutual friends and i can't stand to be around them because they talk about him. It's like I just don't want to go on with my life the way that it was before. I don't want to go to school or work. I hate waking up. This whole thing has made me hateful and bitter. I know that my mutual friends are still my friends but I just am not ready. It's been a month, over a month and it still feels like yesterday. I still am not over his mom's death and I have no way of really letting her or them go. I know I said I didn't want to talk about it but here I am, talking about it. I guess it was a huge shock, all of it.
I also realized that a lot of the decisions that I have made regarding school was in the frame of mind that I won't be alive to deal with it. I really thought that I wouldn't make it to 21. Granted I still have about 3 months to go, I just have that frame of mind. I'm not going to kill myself but I really thought that something else would have by now.
I also have to go to the doctors because I have had shooting strings of pain in the side of my head since may. They are on and off but they are much more frequent. I'm afraid to go. I have been 5 other times for the same thing and they just keep running in circles. They said they might have to do a catscan but they are worried about doing it on someone so young. I'm so tired. Of everything.
you are strong. you will make it to 21 and 23 and 59 and all those. you will be okay, i know you will.
if you ever need someplace to go, i'm wayyyyy up here but i do have an extra room (the lizards and crafts are flexible
i know how hard it is to be fucked by your friends and it ain't a fun situation to deal with. when i broke up with brett i lost basically ALL of my friends, when i moved out of lisa's i lost THE REST of my friends and now that larissa is gone i got like.. jeremy.. and maryam... and the dog. which ain't a bad list as far as quality goes, but damn if that ain't short on quantity. tugs a little at the mind, but it's all about finding happiness and hope where you can, and making that strong, right?
love you!