My father seems sad lately, more tired than usual. And his eyes seem to have blackened, like hes been in a punch-out recently. When I ask him if hes ok, he just kinda half-sighs and says Yeah, just a little tired
Hes also gained a lot of weight within the last ten years or so. So much that if you only knew him from then I doubt youd recognize him. Instantly, I mean.
A couple heart attacks, a couple strokes, rehab.
I cant see him as the man that raised me. Or, that I remembered raising me.
Hes been asking me to go places with him, do things with him lately. But I always tell him no, halfheartedly. Halfheartedly, I tell him that I dont want to, dont feel like it.
Maybe later, right?
Then I feel guilty about it in a very Cats In The Cradle kind of way.
I feel very uncomfortable around him. Well, not really, I just like a conversation buffer around to keep the conversation going. I find him intimidating.
I think hes uncomfortable around me, too. He never knows what to say, how to say it. we havent much in common.
I feel guilty about writing this, but Im also embarrassed for him. Not because of him, but for him. He has a speech impediment, a stutter. Not a bad one, only really noticeable when hes nervous or anxious.
And I am my fathers sonhes more anxious than I, more nervous.
And I know hes a prideful man, that his stutter works on his nerves, which makes it worse. I can tell hes timid to speak with strangers because of it.
This is a new occurrence and to see it makes me feel sad and sick. He used to be so extroverted, friendly and talkative with people.
This might be the reason he wants me to go places with himfor support or maybe to talk for him. Help convey what needs conveyance. But Im not that strong, I dont think. Ill get pissed off at whoever at the slightest hint of disrespect towards him.
Like I said, I need a buffer.
His stutter stems from his epilepsy, which he was afflicted with as a child, in an accident. Ive seen him have seizures and have even had to take care of him once or twice. Its all very unnerving to see someone so strong seem so weak and vulnerable.
But it should be said that ever since I could remember, my father and I have had a shoddy relationship at best.
Im not going to go into much detail about how this has affected/effected me, or whatever. Just the basics so you know where Im coming from.
I am the result of siblings death. Before me, my parents had two children. A daughter, named Andrea, and a son, named Nicolas. Nicolas died shortly after his birth. This was the main reason my parents decided to have another child.
This was the topic of a great many conversations between my mother and I growing up. About how Nicolas died because I was destined to be something great. This is how my mother found comfort, knowing Nicolas death was a sacrifice, essentially.
Both my arrogance and ego are a direct result of this.
But this also lead to a feeling of resentment from my father. He always, it seemed, to keep me at a distance, opting instead to lavish attention on my sisters and remaining brother. (One sister and brother from a previous marriage.)
My half brother, Robert, was ten years older than I and represented the best-case-scenario for what a father should expect from a son. Smart, sensitive, attentive, friendly, tough-but-not-a-pussy, a good husband, father, and son. Everything a man is supposed to be, as my father put it.
He also rode a motorcycle, and, one night crashed it, sending him into a coma. A month later, he was dead. This was in June, July of 99.
I remember that 4th of July I watched a Jackie Chan marathon on USA with my mother, then watched some of the fireworks from on top of our roof.
My father was down in Texas, by Roberts side. My mother and sister left shortly after that to prepare for the funeral.
I stayed in Pekin. I didnt attend the funeral.
Ive heard that a parent should never have to bury a child, my fathers had to bury two.
So, I was the last of the men to carry my fathers blood. The last surviving male heir. The little, effeminate, anarchist to my fathers ex-military, republican, manly-man. He couldnt be any more disappointed unless I told him I was gaywhich was something he suspected for a great while, with Samuel as my suspected lover. He might still suspect this, but hes maybe grown to accept it.
Just to fuck with him, Ill come out when hes on his deathbed, then immediately recant. If hes still alive, that is.
Anyway, after Robs death, my father became even more critical of me, nit-picking every decision, every action, in an attempt to mold me into another Robert.
Too little, too late, I suppose.
It came to a head once in Canton during an argument about god-knows-what. It stopped before blows, shortly after a pushing match.
For one reason or another, my father has since lightened up.
Maybe a couple heart attacks and a couple strokes.
Either way, hes now telling jokes and showing atleast a faint interest in whatever Im working on.
My mother has told me, more than once, that she sees my father in my more and more every day. She then immediately corrects herself, saying his best qualities, she means.
But I know, if I go thru a quarter of what hes gone thru and still come out half the person he is, Ill be lucky.
On a lighter note, I watched Gigli last nite. Because Ive fucking seen Dracula 3000, I feel I can handle all forms of cinematic crap.
There were four things I saw that I liked about the movie.
1. Christopher Walken.
2. Al Pacino.
3. The morgue scene. I found it quite amusing.
4. The suicide scene. Theres a bit where this chick slits her wrists. It happened so suddenly, it kind of shocked me back into paying attention. Its up there with Rules Of Attractions suicide scene as one of the best wrist-slittin scenes ever. If thats any big recommendation.
Other than that, its a movie that could have been cut down to an hour. Too long to sustain the amount of BS that was going on. The pacing was unbearable, the acting was laughable, the plot was complete shit.
Afflec was almost convincing as a mob enforcer, but J.Lo? WTF? Someone needs to shoot a casting agent. What kind of mob enforcer parades around wearing hip huggers or a really, REALLY short skirt? Perfectly manicured nails? Eastern philosophy and yoga? Is this shit a fucking video game? That shit might have flown if the movie didnt strive for atleast a modicum of realism, which it did. Im not saying that all mob enforcers have to be guidos and shit but wtf?
How the fuck did they get Pacino and Walken?
WaitPacino was in Simone and Walken was in Kangaroo Jack nevermind.
Hes also gained a lot of weight within the last ten years or so. So much that if you only knew him from then I doubt youd recognize him. Instantly, I mean.
A couple heart attacks, a couple strokes, rehab.
I cant see him as the man that raised me. Or, that I remembered raising me.
Hes been asking me to go places with him, do things with him lately. But I always tell him no, halfheartedly. Halfheartedly, I tell him that I dont want to, dont feel like it.
Maybe later, right?
Then I feel guilty about it in a very Cats In The Cradle kind of way.
I feel very uncomfortable around him. Well, not really, I just like a conversation buffer around to keep the conversation going. I find him intimidating.
I think hes uncomfortable around me, too. He never knows what to say, how to say it. we havent much in common.
I feel guilty about writing this, but Im also embarrassed for him. Not because of him, but for him. He has a speech impediment, a stutter. Not a bad one, only really noticeable when hes nervous or anxious.
And I am my fathers sonhes more anxious than I, more nervous.
And I know hes a prideful man, that his stutter works on his nerves, which makes it worse. I can tell hes timid to speak with strangers because of it.
This is a new occurrence and to see it makes me feel sad and sick. He used to be so extroverted, friendly and talkative with people.
This might be the reason he wants me to go places with himfor support or maybe to talk for him. Help convey what needs conveyance. But Im not that strong, I dont think. Ill get pissed off at whoever at the slightest hint of disrespect towards him.
Like I said, I need a buffer.
His stutter stems from his epilepsy, which he was afflicted with as a child, in an accident. Ive seen him have seizures and have even had to take care of him once or twice. Its all very unnerving to see someone so strong seem so weak and vulnerable.
But it should be said that ever since I could remember, my father and I have had a shoddy relationship at best.
Im not going to go into much detail about how this has affected/effected me, or whatever. Just the basics so you know where Im coming from.
I am the result of siblings death. Before me, my parents had two children. A daughter, named Andrea, and a son, named Nicolas. Nicolas died shortly after his birth. This was the main reason my parents decided to have another child.
This was the topic of a great many conversations between my mother and I growing up. About how Nicolas died because I was destined to be something great. This is how my mother found comfort, knowing Nicolas death was a sacrifice, essentially.
Both my arrogance and ego are a direct result of this.
But this also lead to a feeling of resentment from my father. He always, it seemed, to keep me at a distance, opting instead to lavish attention on my sisters and remaining brother. (One sister and brother from a previous marriage.)
My half brother, Robert, was ten years older than I and represented the best-case-scenario for what a father should expect from a son. Smart, sensitive, attentive, friendly, tough-but-not-a-pussy, a good husband, father, and son. Everything a man is supposed to be, as my father put it.
He also rode a motorcycle, and, one night crashed it, sending him into a coma. A month later, he was dead. This was in June, July of 99.
I remember that 4th of July I watched a Jackie Chan marathon on USA with my mother, then watched some of the fireworks from on top of our roof.
My father was down in Texas, by Roberts side. My mother and sister left shortly after that to prepare for the funeral.
I stayed in Pekin. I didnt attend the funeral.
Ive heard that a parent should never have to bury a child, my fathers had to bury two.
So, I was the last of the men to carry my fathers blood. The last surviving male heir. The little, effeminate, anarchist to my fathers ex-military, republican, manly-man. He couldnt be any more disappointed unless I told him I was gaywhich was something he suspected for a great while, with Samuel as my suspected lover. He might still suspect this, but hes maybe grown to accept it.
Just to fuck with him, Ill come out when hes on his deathbed, then immediately recant. If hes still alive, that is.
Anyway, after Robs death, my father became even more critical of me, nit-picking every decision, every action, in an attempt to mold me into another Robert.
Too little, too late, I suppose.
It came to a head once in Canton during an argument about god-knows-what. It stopped before blows, shortly after a pushing match.
For one reason or another, my father has since lightened up.
Maybe a couple heart attacks and a couple strokes.
Either way, hes now telling jokes and showing atleast a faint interest in whatever Im working on.
My mother has told me, more than once, that she sees my father in my more and more every day. She then immediately corrects herself, saying his best qualities, she means.
But I know, if I go thru a quarter of what hes gone thru and still come out half the person he is, Ill be lucky.
On a lighter note, I watched Gigli last nite. Because Ive fucking seen Dracula 3000, I feel I can handle all forms of cinematic crap.
There were four things I saw that I liked about the movie.
1. Christopher Walken.
2. Al Pacino.
3. The morgue scene. I found it quite amusing.
4. The suicide scene. Theres a bit where this chick slits her wrists. It happened so suddenly, it kind of shocked me back into paying attention. Its up there with Rules Of Attractions suicide scene as one of the best wrist-slittin scenes ever. If thats any big recommendation.
Other than that, its a movie that could have been cut down to an hour. Too long to sustain the amount of BS that was going on. The pacing was unbearable, the acting was laughable, the plot was complete shit.
Afflec was almost convincing as a mob enforcer, but J.Lo? WTF? Someone needs to shoot a casting agent. What kind of mob enforcer parades around wearing hip huggers or a really, REALLY short skirt? Perfectly manicured nails? Eastern philosophy and yoga? Is this shit a fucking video game? That shit might have flown if the movie didnt strive for atleast a modicum of realism, which it did. Im not saying that all mob enforcers have to be guidos and shit but wtf?
How the fuck did they get Pacino and Walken?
WaitPacino was in Simone and Walken was in Kangaroo Jack nevermind.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
your dad has been through hell, it sounds like. you should spend time with him, do things with him--something could happen any day now that might make you regret that you didn't take that opportunity.
and yes, i am too young to have kids, but not too far off from being just the right age. in all sincerity, most everything i do is in preparation for having the kind of life that would be beneficial and conducive to having children. or rather, child. i only want one whipper snapper.