When did sepia become synonymous with creepy? I'm just curious.
This has been the slowest weekend ever.
Ever.
Ever.
Ever.
I went to sleep both Friday and Saturday well before the sun came up. Fo no good reason, apparently.
I accidentally sent Thursdays notes thru the wash. They got pretty fucked up (see image below). Thankfully it wasnt anything epic, nothing I couldnt reproduce. It was just about the days getting longer and Jerry wanting a hooker to tongue his arsehole.
Anyways
Samuel has a fear of rejection. This is news to me. I had thought, up until now, that he was like meweak nerved and over anxious.
I learned this Friday night, Saturday morning.
We went to our friendly neighborhood 24-hour shopping centre so as I could pick up a copy of Tekken 5 and a new controller for my PS2 (one of them new fangled wireless ones). My previous controller met with its untimely endin an accident with my PS2.
I threw it at the console.
Cos I was playing Def Jam: Fight For NY.
And I couldnt beat the second guy.
So I got pissed and threw the controller at the console, screaming obscenities. The controller split in two, fucking up the shoulder buttons.
The PS2 was fine.
That fucker is a first generation PS2, never had any real problems with it. Ive dropped it a number of times, smoke like a bastard around it. Threw a controller at it.
I only have to clean the lens every once in a while.
Anyways, back to Sam.
Whilst at Corporate Wold, we also had to get some soda.
I picked up my copy of Tekken 5 and the controller and was paying for it back in electronics when S nudged me and motioned towards some chick kneeling, looking at a keyboard or something.
S said Thats the kinda girl I wanna be with.
She was a small blonde girl wearing jeans and a T-shirt. She also had a hat on.
On the way to get soda, I asked him why he didnt say something to her. I mean, she was in electronics and looking at a keyboard. Thats right up his way. Thats his introthe keyboard. Make a suggestion or something.
Make an impression.
He says Like what? Id come off as a stalker or a knowitall. A fucking tool. Fuck that.
When we got to the front checkout lanes, S tells me that I forgot to get batteries, you know, for my spiffy new controller.
The girl heading the lane, the cashier, shes another little blond chick. Taller than the last, but still his type. Shes aged somewhere between 17 and 21.
I whisper to S, I tell him Say something, if only in passing.
Back to me, he says Im fine.
As shes ringing up his soda, as hes sliding his card, I turn around and grab some AA batteries. I put em on the counter and say Put these on his
She looks at the batteries, at me, then at Samuel. She says What?
The first thing that pops into my head is the thing Im gonna say.
Its something to get her attention, a reaction, to gauge where she is.
When I inhale, when Im about to say it, the nerves kick, the prickly acid feeling slams in the pit of my stomach.
I say Its okay, were lovers and I nudge Samuel, I wink at the cashier.
She smiles and lets a laugh. She nods and rings up the batteries. She says that its been a long night.
And thats the in.
What follows is a three minute conversation about how long shes been on shift, when she gets off, her plans for the night and the weekend.
Im fainning interest, bored immediately.
Before we leave, I say Hey, we might catch up with you later.
She says she hopes so. That shes looking forward to it.
Walking out to the car, I say Now shell remember you. The ice is broken for the next time you go in.
S says No, shell remember you.
I tell him that he needs to quash the prickly feeling in his gut. He needs to say fuckit and speak up.
He says that the feeling isnt in his gut, its in his head. That its a voice saying that theyll laugh at him. Theyll take advantage of him, hurt him. Leave him.
That its not worth the risk.
He says hes not mehes not confidant.
I tell him that Im not. I tell him I almost passed out the second before I said anything.
I tell him that he needs to play confident. That he should know that who he is isnt defined by who hes talking to.
I say I am who I am at all times; I was who I was before, during, and after I talked to that chick. She cant change that. What she thinks of me and who I actually am are two different things. If she wouldnt have laughed and smiled at the Lovers thing, then it would have been a Fuckit situation. Id have dropped it, you knowFuck her. I knew she wasnt my type before I went in, I knew there wasnt anything for me there. I wasnt gonna pursue anything. You know? You shouldnt care what people think. Even if you do, never let on about ityou know? Going in I never had anything to lose, nothing to gain. Thats where you need to be at all times, in the Fuckit frame of mind. Every situation, you should go in it thinking its a Fuckit situation.
He went on to tell me that hes afraid of rejection, that he cant put himself out to get hurt. I told him that hes an extremely attractive guy, that any chick would be lucky to be with him. That hes smart and cool and hilarious and really nice.
But he said I dont have a job, I dont like working. I cant stand itI cant even get a fucking job. I play video games all the time, Im shy
I tell him thats all because he doenst have a girlfriend.
That when he was with Krystal he always had a job (Krystal cheated on him, by-the-way, with his brother). When he was working at Burns he pulled 12 hour shifts. When he got fired, he immediately got hired somewhere else.
I told him, even that had to do with the confidence.
If he was in a relationship he would have motivation to work. If he had a girlfriend, he would have to confidence to work.
To put himself out there.
This is why he likes MMORPGs and other online type games. If he gets rejected, theyre not really rejecting him, just his avatar.
I told him, what he need to do, is pull that confidence from somewhere elseplay confidence.
I said Dont let you only really be you when yr in a relationship.
Now, only if I could take my own advice.
If only I wouldnt let people and things mean so much to me.
If only I could be Fuckit-Les at all times.
The difference is in our upbringing, I guess.
I know that whole thing must be rather slapdash, rather scatterbrained and not put together well at all. But I dont feel like editing or revising it.
There it is, take it for what it is.
This has been the slowest weekend ever.
Ever.
Ever.
Ever.
I went to sleep both Friday and Saturday well before the sun came up. Fo no good reason, apparently.
I accidentally sent Thursdays notes thru the wash. They got pretty fucked up (see image below). Thankfully it wasnt anything epic, nothing I couldnt reproduce. It was just about the days getting longer and Jerry wanting a hooker to tongue his arsehole.
Anyways
Samuel has a fear of rejection. This is news to me. I had thought, up until now, that he was like meweak nerved and over anxious.
I learned this Friday night, Saturday morning.
We went to our friendly neighborhood 24-hour shopping centre so as I could pick up a copy of Tekken 5 and a new controller for my PS2 (one of them new fangled wireless ones). My previous controller met with its untimely endin an accident with my PS2.
I threw it at the console.
Cos I was playing Def Jam: Fight For NY.
And I couldnt beat the second guy.
So I got pissed and threw the controller at the console, screaming obscenities. The controller split in two, fucking up the shoulder buttons.
The PS2 was fine.
That fucker is a first generation PS2, never had any real problems with it. Ive dropped it a number of times, smoke like a bastard around it. Threw a controller at it.
I only have to clean the lens every once in a while.
Anyways, back to Sam.
Whilst at Corporate Wold, we also had to get some soda.
I picked up my copy of Tekken 5 and the controller and was paying for it back in electronics when S nudged me and motioned towards some chick kneeling, looking at a keyboard or something.
S said Thats the kinda girl I wanna be with.
She was a small blonde girl wearing jeans and a T-shirt. She also had a hat on.
On the way to get soda, I asked him why he didnt say something to her. I mean, she was in electronics and looking at a keyboard. Thats right up his way. Thats his introthe keyboard. Make a suggestion or something.
Make an impression.
He says Like what? Id come off as a stalker or a knowitall. A fucking tool. Fuck that.
When we got to the front checkout lanes, S tells me that I forgot to get batteries, you know, for my spiffy new controller.
The girl heading the lane, the cashier, shes another little blond chick. Taller than the last, but still his type. Shes aged somewhere between 17 and 21.
I whisper to S, I tell him Say something, if only in passing.
Back to me, he says Im fine.
As shes ringing up his soda, as hes sliding his card, I turn around and grab some AA batteries. I put em on the counter and say Put these on his
She looks at the batteries, at me, then at Samuel. She says What?
The first thing that pops into my head is the thing Im gonna say.
Its something to get her attention, a reaction, to gauge where she is.
When I inhale, when Im about to say it, the nerves kick, the prickly acid feeling slams in the pit of my stomach.
I say Its okay, were lovers and I nudge Samuel, I wink at the cashier.
She smiles and lets a laugh. She nods and rings up the batteries. She says that its been a long night.
And thats the in.
What follows is a three minute conversation about how long shes been on shift, when she gets off, her plans for the night and the weekend.
Im fainning interest, bored immediately.
Before we leave, I say Hey, we might catch up with you later.
She says she hopes so. That shes looking forward to it.
Walking out to the car, I say Now shell remember you. The ice is broken for the next time you go in.
S says No, shell remember you.
I tell him that he needs to quash the prickly feeling in his gut. He needs to say fuckit and speak up.
He says that the feeling isnt in his gut, its in his head. That its a voice saying that theyll laugh at him. Theyll take advantage of him, hurt him. Leave him.
That its not worth the risk.
He says hes not mehes not confidant.
I tell him that Im not. I tell him I almost passed out the second before I said anything.
I tell him that he needs to play confident. That he should know that who he is isnt defined by who hes talking to.
I say I am who I am at all times; I was who I was before, during, and after I talked to that chick. She cant change that. What she thinks of me and who I actually am are two different things. If she wouldnt have laughed and smiled at the Lovers thing, then it would have been a Fuckit situation. Id have dropped it, you knowFuck her. I knew she wasnt my type before I went in, I knew there wasnt anything for me there. I wasnt gonna pursue anything. You know? You shouldnt care what people think. Even if you do, never let on about ityou know? Going in I never had anything to lose, nothing to gain. Thats where you need to be at all times, in the Fuckit frame of mind. Every situation, you should go in it thinking its a Fuckit situation.
He went on to tell me that hes afraid of rejection, that he cant put himself out to get hurt. I told him that hes an extremely attractive guy, that any chick would be lucky to be with him. That hes smart and cool and hilarious and really nice.
But he said I dont have a job, I dont like working. I cant stand itI cant even get a fucking job. I play video games all the time, Im shy
I tell him thats all because he doenst have a girlfriend.
That when he was with Krystal he always had a job (Krystal cheated on him, by-the-way, with his brother). When he was working at Burns he pulled 12 hour shifts. When he got fired, he immediately got hired somewhere else.
I told him, even that had to do with the confidence.
If he was in a relationship he would have motivation to work. If he had a girlfriend, he would have to confidence to work.
To put himself out there.
This is why he likes MMORPGs and other online type games. If he gets rejected, theyre not really rejecting him, just his avatar.
I told him, what he need to do, is pull that confidence from somewhere elseplay confidence.
I said Dont let you only really be you when yr in a relationship.
Now, only if I could take my own advice.
If only I wouldnt let people and things mean so much to me.
If only I could be Fuckit-Les at all times.
The difference is in our upbringing, I guess.
I know that whole thing must be rather slapdash, rather scatterbrained and not put together well at all. But I dont feel like editing or revising it.
There it is, take it for what it is.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
I'm gonna try and update shortly. I don't know, I just feel all disenchanted by the internet right now. I go through phases like that. A whole week where none of my music appeals to me. A month where I don't feel like reading fiction. And then suddenly I'll devour 5 books in two weeks, or want to listen to every record I own simultaneously. It sucks.
See above explanation as to why I won't read that hiddeously long journal entry of yours. Maybe later.