akasnuggles

I bet god thinks you're amusing

Poop, poopie, poo, poo poo, crap, shit, shite, shat, dung, dookie, excrement, feces, defecate, manure, stool. That's all the synonyms i can think of.
I only write that because when i go to type, shoe, for instance, i type shit.
This is the same way, i type shit.
It's some subconscious word association thing, i think.

On with the main portion of my...thing.
I'm sure i've mentioned this as some point in this..err...relationship, but sometimes i forget how to go to sleep.
Seriously, sometimes i forget how to fall asleep.
That happened this morning.
I didnt get to sleep until 1030am. Or, the last time i checked the time, it was 1026am.
Either way.
I turned off my stereo at that point, which is my last resort.
To lay in total silence and let my mind do it's thing.
This usually means something along the lines of a nearly-asleep hallucination about a drill sergeant singing show tunes.
Singing show tunes in his staccato, commanding voice.
And, no, i'm not shitting you.
This usually knocks me back into reality.
And i'm wide awake until i light a ciggy, then i'm nearly dead again. A few drags later and i snuff the smoke and try the sleep thing again.
So now i find a focal point, a beam of light on the wall, and i stare at it.
I stare at it and think Dont close your eyes...Dont close your eyes...
Of course, i do close my eyes, but in my mind i see the light and it's there. And it's like my eyes are still open.
And it stays there until my brain gets bored and builds a scenario around it. Like the spot of light is the reflection in an eye.
And the eye blinks.
Then i hear show tunes and i'm back again.
And i light the cigarette again.
And i'm nodding out again.
So i snuff the smoke again.
And i start counting heart beats, how many heart beats per breath?
Three.
One, two, three, exhale.
Four, five six, exhale.
Seven, eight, nine, exhale.
...thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty eight, exhale.
Thirty nine, forty, for dot, dot, dot.
Cue the show tunes.
And i'm back.
And i finish the ciggy.
And i take a sip of water.
And i put a pillow over my head.
And this is when i hear ita ringing in my ears. It's so fucking loud, like an alarm.
But it's only loud because there's nothing behind it.
Because it's all i hear.
And it's hurting my ears and i'm waiting for my space heater to click on, a dog to bark or a bird to chirpi'm waiting for some ambient noise that i'm afraid will never happen.
I'm afraid that this is what it's like to be deaf, i'm afraid that it's a tumora symptom of brain cancer is ringing of the ears.
And then i hear show tunes. Show tunes in a gruff, stilted, aggressive voice.
And i didnt run from it.
And four hours later i woke up.
And, no, i dunno what the song was.