akasnuggles

Ok, so last night in the shower I sprayed warm water up my nose. I did so because someone with knowledge of ethnomedicinal cures said it would help with my congestion problem.
First off, I dont have a womans shower.
By this, I mean that theres no detachable shower head.
No massager.
My shower head is affixed to the wall.
To get the water to spray up my nose, I had to aim blindly and actually walk into the field of spray.
Before I did this, I checked the temperaturenot too cold, not too warm.
Last thing I wanted was a blister in the ol nasal cavity.
I did, however, forget to check the pressure at which the water was coming out. So when I got my snout in front of the stream, the pressure was as such that when I recoiled in terror I was half expecting to see my eye rolling around the shower floor.
After minor adjustments, I tried again.
Take two
Lemme first say, that if youve never done this before, I highly suggest you doit is FUUUCKED UP.
If youve ever wanted to feel the sensation of drowning without the actual danger of drowning I suggest you spray water up your nose.
Seriously.
Do it.
But be warnedit feels FUUUUUUUUUUUCKED UP.
So fucked up, in fact, that when I felt the water running down the back of my throat, I panicked and gagged like a first-day-porno-chick.
Dorking-out for a second time, I prayed and coughed water for about a minute before readying myself for another try.
Take three
Four minutes pass and I wash my hair, regaining composure for my final go.
I dunno if I was supposed to close off my throat or let the water run down it, so I closed it off.
This is my first complication.
I have to tilt my head slightly in order for my nostril to be in spraying range, this means the warm water and snot is collecting in the back of my mouth.
I let the water run thru me for about ten seconds (as long as I could stand it) before I had to lean my head forward and let the snot stew run out of my mouth and, in an surprising twist, down my the front of my body.
This is complication two.
The person that told me about this remedy is a girl/chick/female/lady. Now, Im no girl expert, but I have it on good authority that girls have very little body hair.
So, seeing as though I am neither an athlete or a girl, I have body hair.
If you dont see my dilemma, then you mustnt have your detective license yet
The next five or so minutes of my shower was spent cleansing the snot from my body hair.
All of it.
And snot, believe it or not, is clingy.
Even when its wet.
And I was about to get out of the shower when, for no reason but because its there, I stuck a finger in my belly button.
Guess what I found?
An algamation of mucus and belly button lint, which was a bitch to clean out.
Because another trait that snot has, other than being clingy, is its slick.
So much of a bastard as it was to clean, I actually considered hoisting myself up to the shower head in order to power-wash the cocksucker out.
My belly button is, by far, my least favourite hole.
But Ive practically stopped sneezing and coughing!
And I can breathe thru my nose!
And Im practically pressure and discomfort free!
PHOOLSFIRE is a GENIUSnaya miracle worker!

And, hey, wait.
Listen!
You hear that?
Thats the sound of a few hundred thousand motorists cleaning ice off their cars.
That, my unscrupulous friends, is the sound o the apocalypse (SEE ALSO: yesterdays post)
Yes, the apocalypse.
Because the apocalypse is, apparently, just a tedious annoyance rather than an unsettling account of the book of Revelations.

That line right there, the unsettling account of the book of Revelations line? That line actually stalled this rant by about five minutes.
Why? Because these rants are just notes and outlines that I transcribe in a very fluid, stream of consciousness way, and when I hit that line, I stalled.
In my notes I have Apocalypse bit, tedious annoyance, not book of Revelations.
Thats it.
I stalled.
I have in my list of possibles: re-imagining, recount, fulfillment, reenactment, retelling, performance piece, realization, actualization.
Actualization was my fist choice.
Unfortunately, Actualization rhymes with Revelation and I thought that would be a bit too funny, and for the wrong reasons.
This also takes Realization out.
I was also hesitant to use anything that began with Re for the simple fact that I thought there would be one too many Res, kinda slowing down the pace and flow.
I had the same problem with Fulfillment. It ruins the flow.
I could have always changed Unsettling, but it was the first word there, so it must stay.
Go figure.
Unsettling Account sounds really cool, they both have a vowel beginning, giving it a soft start, and as Unsettling rolls off the tongue, its good to have an abrupt stop.