Sometimes you ask the wrong question, and sometimes you get the wrong answer.
Like with the Jury Summons questionnaire that i had to fill out today.
Question: Has anyone in your family ever been convicted of a crime other than a traffic ticket.
Oops.
Bad question.
A bad question that i had to mark YES on...
If so, please explain in detail.
...shit...
ok.
My dad was popped for selling acid; a cousin, Jamie, was convicted of manslaughter; one of my hillbilly cousins killed his first AND second wifebut he was never convicted; my Uncle Larry was busted for stealing a semi; both my Uncle Wendell and John got DUIs, respectively.
My brother, Rob, slashed some tires; my sister, Andrea, destroyed some signs at the park.
I went up for aggravated battery and destruction of government propertybut i was a minor and my record's clean now.
And it was Sammy and me, we hid in the room above my garage and sniped people with bb gunswe estimate we hit nearly 100 ppl before we got caught. We were really good shots for being 14-15y/o, if i do say so myself.
We also shot cars and the public housing place that was right across the way.
We received a year of supervised probation in which we couldn't contact each other in any way.
We would hang out regularly.
And we had to pay restitution.
My sister, she was a minor as well. Even so, she's on medication now and she's a well functioning member of societyquaint family and all.
My brother? He's dead now, his conviction is moot.
My Dad's conviction happened 23 years agoon my birthday.
Jamie's in the clink, he's got his college degree and has found god.
The second cousin is in Tennessee, well, there it's a prerequisite to kill wives in order to become a hillbilly. Mission accomplished.
Wendell and John are both still drunks.
Larry is a minister of some sort...i think.
This, my dear understanding friends, is just my father's side of the family.
They wanted in detail, right?
Well, they didnt provide enough room for me to write all that so i put N/A.
The cold has went to my sinuses. I'm sneezing like a bastard and blowing my nose. When i'm not blowing it, i'm sucking the infected stuff back into my throat.
Fuck.
I took some pseudo-Sudafed before work. Psuedo-Sudafed is Sudafed without Pseudoephedrineif i know my chemicals, ephedrine is the meth element of Sudafed.
So at work, when the shit kicked, my sinuses began draining.
Which made me sneeze worse.
And the fist rule of keeping a sterile lab environment sterile is not to spray phlegm all over the place.
Like on the cure for cancer.
Or, potential cure for cancer.
And i was sweating. My balls were sweating like...things that sweat a lot.
And they weren't sweating from the unusually warm weather...
What the fuck, huh?
P-town got up to sixty-four today, breaking the previous record of not-sixty-four, set way back before today.
And thunderstorms.
In January.
Second week in January.
And there was a Japanese Beetle in my bathroom.
...
And so, with the freakishly warm weather, mudslides, tsunamis, floods, and locust infestations, an mild mannered religious person might think this was the end daysthe apocalypse and all that.
Or they might with a little nudging...
Nudge, Nudge, Nudge...
But we know better than this, dont we, kiddies?
We know that there's a perfectly reasonable scientific explanation for this, dont we?
Of course there is.
And that reason is...
...
...
...wait for it...
...
...
The reason is...this is the second coming of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!
Yeah, bitches, he's coming to smite you all!
Repent or burn!
He's riding a wave of vengeance straight at ya m'fuckin dome!
Or something!
The only way to defeat him, i hear, is to surround your domicile with pig feces.
Seriously, do that.
I dare you.
This is the point where i tear off my clothes, don a loin-cloth, and climb up a tree.
But i'm kinda light on loin-clothes.
And it's kinda chilly out there.
Well...and i could be wrong, you know.
Like that time it snowed in May and i predicted the apocalypse and ran screaming, naked thru the streets until i came upon a suitable tree in which to take cover in.
Near hypothermic, the pigs had to pry my nekked body out of that bastard.
Shit, that's a crime bigger than a parking ticket, huh?
Like with the Jury Summons questionnaire that i had to fill out today.
Question: Has anyone in your family ever been convicted of a crime other than a traffic ticket.
Oops.
Bad question.
A bad question that i had to mark YES on...
If so, please explain in detail.
...shit...
ok.
My dad was popped for selling acid; a cousin, Jamie, was convicted of manslaughter; one of my hillbilly cousins killed his first AND second wifebut he was never convicted; my Uncle Larry was busted for stealing a semi; both my Uncle Wendell and John got DUIs, respectively.
My brother, Rob, slashed some tires; my sister, Andrea, destroyed some signs at the park.
I went up for aggravated battery and destruction of government propertybut i was a minor and my record's clean now.
And it was Sammy and me, we hid in the room above my garage and sniped people with bb gunswe estimate we hit nearly 100 ppl before we got caught. We were really good shots for being 14-15y/o, if i do say so myself.
We also shot cars and the public housing place that was right across the way.
We received a year of supervised probation in which we couldn't contact each other in any way.
We would hang out regularly.
And we had to pay restitution.
My sister, she was a minor as well. Even so, she's on medication now and she's a well functioning member of societyquaint family and all.
My brother? He's dead now, his conviction is moot.
My Dad's conviction happened 23 years agoon my birthday.
Jamie's in the clink, he's got his college degree and has found god.
The second cousin is in Tennessee, well, there it's a prerequisite to kill wives in order to become a hillbilly. Mission accomplished.
Wendell and John are both still drunks.
Larry is a minister of some sort...i think.
This, my dear understanding friends, is just my father's side of the family.
They wanted in detail, right?
Well, they didnt provide enough room for me to write all that so i put N/A.
The cold has went to my sinuses. I'm sneezing like a bastard and blowing my nose. When i'm not blowing it, i'm sucking the infected stuff back into my throat.
Fuck.
I took some pseudo-Sudafed before work. Psuedo-Sudafed is Sudafed without Pseudoephedrineif i know my chemicals, ephedrine is the meth element of Sudafed.
So at work, when the shit kicked, my sinuses began draining.
Which made me sneeze worse.
And the fist rule of keeping a sterile lab environment sterile is not to spray phlegm all over the place.
Like on the cure for cancer.
Or, potential cure for cancer.
And i was sweating. My balls were sweating like...things that sweat a lot.
And they weren't sweating from the unusually warm weather...
What the fuck, huh?
P-town got up to sixty-four today, breaking the previous record of not-sixty-four, set way back before today.
And thunderstorms.
In January.
Second week in January.
And there was a Japanese Beetle in my bathroom.
...
And so, with the freakishly warm weather, mudslides, tsunamis, floods, and locust infestations, an mild mannered religious person might think this was the end daysthe apocalypse and all that.
Or they might with a little nudging...
Nudge, Nudge, Nudge...
But we know better than this, dont we, kiddies?
We know that there's a perfectly reasonable scientific explanation for this, dont we?
Of course there is.
And that reason is...
...
...
...wait for it...
...
...
The reason is...this is the second coming of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!
Yeah, bitches, he's coming to smite you all!
Repent or burn!
He's riding a wave of vengeance straight at ya m'fuckin dome!
Or something!
The only way to defeat him, i hear, is to surround your domicile with pig feces.
Seriously, do that.
I dare you.
This is the point where i tear off my clothes, don a loin-cloth, and climb up a tree.
But i'm kinda light on loin-clothes.
And it's kinda chilly out there.
Well...and i could be wrong, you know.
Like that time it snowed in May and i predicted the apocalypse and ran screaming, naked thru the streets until i came upon a suitable tree in which to take cover in.
Near hypothermic, the pigs had to pry my nekked body out of that bastard.
Shit, that's a crime bigger than a parking ticket, huh?