So everyone's been answering @missy's question, "What inspired you to become a Suicide Girl?" I'm only a hopeful (and technically not even that, yet.. I SHOOT MY FIRST SET ONE WEEK FROM TODAY! YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm getting there!) But regardless, I think it's a valid question, and one that I'd love to answer.
I came across this site on accident. My husband and I were searching girls with tattoos, because I've always been obsessed, and BOOM, Suicide Girls popped up on my search. I saw Lass and fell in love, and the next thing I knew, I had joined!
That part's simple enough. But the reason why I decided to become a part of it myself is a different story. I am an artist. I live, breathe, eat, and sleep art. When I found this site and saw how people just... Celebrate beauty here, even my kind, with the bright red hair I wore at my wedding (much to his mother's semi-cloaked dismay), and the dermals that make people go, "Eww, that is so weird..." I began to fall in love with the entire idea. To me, a human body is a canvas, which is why I get tattoos. But when I stumbled upon this grand place, it challenged me to explore another side of things; one I had either neglected or avoided, I'm still not sure. It challenged me to step into the realization that the human body IS a work of art. It's not just meant to contain it; it's meant to become it. This realization has consumed many a thought for me since that day, and it's changed my entire perspective. All of a sudden I began really loving myself, and I started stepping out into something for the very first time, something I thought I could never in a million years have.... Confidence.
As a social outcast, I suffer with anxiety, depression, and I've even been deemed bipolar by two different counselors in the past. It's because of this that I can't hold a job for much longer than a few months without a panic attack sending me into a fit of "I need to quit. NOW." And so my art is currently my life. But finding this place has given me the ultimate dream, the one thing my artist soul desires: I have become a work of art myself. That, to me, is everything.
Couple that with the incredible community of people, who are accepting, and some of which whose lifestyles even resemble mine in some aspects, and I'm kind of in heaven here. Becoming a Suicide Girl has become my dream, and it came in just when I needed it the most.
The part I've dreaded to talk about (although I've mentioned it in a few threads) is that last year, I had two miscarriages. We found out that without extensive hormonal treatments and monitoring, I can't have children. On top of that, this past December, during my 8 week pregnancy, I gained 20 pounds. It happened so quickly that not only am I bigger than I've ever been, but my chest is full of stretch marks.. These things have ravaged my self esteem. Not just on the outside, but on the inside, where I've been faced with the realization that somehow I'm not good enough to carry children. So that's the truth. Finding this place right after all of that has been the most encouraging and uplifting thing, because it's given me hope that there is something else out there to dream about and fall in love with about life. It makes me feel like my body is still worth something, even if it can't do what we originally wanted it to. And it makes me feel beautiful - stretch marks and all. Honestly, right now, I couldn't ask for more. (especially since I've got a rockin' awesome supportive husband to top it all off. He's never seen me so happy, and he reminds me every day.)
So that's why I want to become a Suicide Girl.
Photo dump!
Rockin Awesome Husband.
Luscious red wedding locks.
A picture from my depressive high school years (but I kinda looked awesome, if I do say so myself lol :P)
During my wig stage a couple years ago! THAT was a blast.
And me, now. Sorry there's no naked in this blog. Most of my pics are on the laptop my husband has in Virginia.
