They say you need to feel something out of life ... and I think that's what my problem is.
Maybe I'm running from life without meaning to. I mean ... I don't constantly feel like I am part of my surroundings. I think I tend to blend in sometimes out of fear ... fear of rejection, fear of expectations, fear of change, etc.
See ... I look at life differently than most (at least I think so). I don't care about the end means ... I live for today and I look at every day as a blessing and a chance to experience something, to learn, to live and to feel. I do not care about a great career or putting money away for the future. I have and will live on little to no money ... I enojy the peacefulness of sitting and chatting and not spending any money on anything. I live with what is around me ... I don't go out of my means.
See ... I don't worry about the future or the past. The past is there for a reason and it gained me experience in life and life knowledge. This isn't to be used in the future ... it is to be used in the present. I live for today and nothing else.
There are many reasons why I live and think this way. Too many to get into.
But see ... I think that my main problem these days is that I'm not feeling what I should. There isn't that internal feeling of total complacency. I feel partially made ... uncomplete ... missing something.
I feel parts of life, and it cheers me up immensly. But the feeling doesn't last. And I don't know why. Maybe I'm just expecting something that shouldn't be. If you've read this far .... do you feel content all the time? Do you fear the idea of running away from life ... staying in routines 'cause you're safe? Am I alone in this feeling?
At any rate ... despite this utter feeling of blahness that won't shake, I can still appriciate the little aspects of life that make me smile.
For instance:
- The little Oriental kid that I saw that was saying "huhhhh ... haaaaaaaaaa ... huuuuuuhh ... I'm Jackie Chan ... I'm Jackie Chan. Huhhhhhhh ... Hahhhhhh ... Huhhhhhhhh!!" as he karate chopped and kicked the air.
- Hexe's relationship with her husband. They are such a damn cute couple.
- And speaking of ... Star somehow always makes me seem to smile ... especially since she just got married. I can just feel the zest for life that she has ... it's one of those feelings of life I was talking about above ... she just exudes it and it makes me smile to see someone seeming to enjoy life to the fullest. Who knows ... maybe she doesn't ... but it sure looks that way.
- Despite her not being on here as much as she used to, Babygirl will make me smile some day with a random comment ... even if it is as short as "hi". Same feeling of life I get from Star goes with Babygirl. I love her innocent curiousness to enjoy every aspect of life.
- This picture makes me smile large ... so cute and the prime example of pure life - a perfect glimpse into a soul that is seeking the best out of life.
- I only realized it recently, but FreakPirate has some weird hold over my laughter reflex. I appriciate his humour and wit.
- Elliott Smith's "Twilight" just leaves this picture-esque emotional stain on my mind. The brilliancy in the song is utterly breathtaking and leaves me in such a surreal feeling.
I wish I could have the feeling that Elliott Smith had in the chorus to that song. I want to feel that pureness ... the utter depths of anothers soul that exudes the same feeling towards you.
So yeah ... I guess I'm just fucked up? That would prolly explain it all I guess.
But see ... I just don't know ... that is why I write this ... does anyone else understand what I mean ... or do you all think I'm wacky? I don't really give a fuck either way ... I'm happy with myself on the whole and that's all that really matters to me. I mean ... I respect your opinions, but it won't hurt me if you think I'm a lunatic ... I understand everyone has their own opinions ... and that's what I'm asking for here.
Do you look towards the future, or do you live for today?
Do you feel life? Are you stuck in a rut and running from life? Do you care?
Are you happy with your life? Why are you here?
Don't worry ... a lot of those are rhetorical ... but I would appriciate if someone could just tell me if I'm the only one thinking this way.
(And don't worry ... this will all pass ... it always does ... it's just a phase in my life I put myself into ... a check I do every four years or so to properly see if I like the way my life is and understand a little more of what makes me me and why I am me, etc.)
(Yes ... I am fucking wacky. Shaddup)
Maybe I'm running from life without meaning to. I mean ... I don't constantly feel like I am part of my surroundings. I think I tend to blend in sometimes out of fear ... fear of rejection, fear of expectations, fear of change, etc.
See ... I look at life differently than most (at least I think so). I don't care about the end means ... I live for today and I look at every day as a blessing and a chance to experience something, to learn, to live and to feel. I do not care about a great career or putting money away for the future. I have and will live on little to no money ... I enojy the peacefulness of sitting and chatting and not spending any money on anything. I live with what is around me ... I don't go out of my means.
See ... I don't worry about the future or the past. The past is there for a reason and it gained me experience in life and life knowledge. This isn't to be used in the future ... it is to be used in the present. I live for today and nothing else.
There are many reasons why I live and think this way. Too many to get into.
But see ... I think that my main problem these days is that I'm not feeling what I should. There isn't that internal feeling of total complacency. I feel partially made ... uncomplete ... missing something.
I feel parts of life, and it cheers me up immensly. But the feeling doesn't last. And I don't know why. Maybe I'm just expecting something that shouldn't be. If you've read this far .... do you feel content all the time? Do you fear the idea of running away from life ... staying in routines 'cause you're safe? Am I alone in this feeling?
At any rate ... despite this utter feeling of blahness that won't shake, I can still appriciate the little aspects of life that make me smile.
For instance:
- The little Oriental kid that I saw that was saying "huhhhh ... haaaaaaaaaa ... huuuuuuhh ... I'm Jackie Chan ... I'm Jackie Chan. Huhhhhhhh ... Hahhhhhh ... Huhhhhhhhh!!" as he karate chopped and kicked the air.
- Hexe's relationship with her husband. They are such a damn cute couple.
- And speaking of ... Star somehow always makes me seem to smile ... especially since she just got married. I can just feel the zest for life that she has ... it's one of those feelings of life I was talking about above ... she just exudes it and it makes me smile to see someone seeming to enjoy life to the fullest. Who knows ... maybe she doesn't ... but it sure looks that way.
- Despite her not being on here as much as she used to, Babygirl will make me smile some day with a random comment ... even if it is as short as "hi". Same feeling of life I get from Star goes with Babygirl. I love her innocent curiousness to enjoy every aspect of life.
- This picture makes me smile large ... so cute and the prime example of pure life - a perfect glimpse into a soul that is seeking the best out of life.
- I only realized it recently, but FreakPirate has some weird hold over my laughter reflex. I appriciate his humour and wit.
- Elliott Smith's "Twilight" just leaves this picture-esque emotional stain on my mind. The brilliancy in the song is utterly breathtaking and leaves me in such a surreal feeling.
I wish I could have the feeling that Elliott Smith had in the chorus to that song. I want to feel that pureness ... the utter depths of anothers soul that exudes the same feeling towards you.
So yeah ... I guess I'm just fucked up? That would prolly explain it all I guess.
But see ... I just don't know ... that is why I write this ... does anyone else understand what I mean ... or do you all think I'm wacky? I don't really give a fuck either way ... I'm happy with myself on the whole and that's all that really matters to me. I mean ... I respect your opinions, but it won't hurt me if you think I'm a lunatic ... I understand everyone has their own opinions ... and that's what I'm asking for here.
Do you look towards the future, or do you live for today?
Do you feel life? Are you stuck in a rut and running from life? Do you care?
Are you happy with your life? Why are you here?
Don't worry ... a lot of those are rhetorical ... but I would appriciate if someone could just tell me if I'm the only one thinking this way.
(And don't worry ... this will all pass ... it always does ... it's just a phase in my life I put myself into ... a check I do every four years or so to properly see if I like the way my life is and understand a little more of what makes me me and why I am me, etc.)
(Yes ... I am fucking wacky. Shaddup)
VIEW 26 of 26 COMMENTS
anyway well you know I dumped the ex and we stopped talking but then we started email communication. no rehashing anything. just keeping abreast of each other's lives...like friends do. but then he like spazzed one day when I didn't write him back right away. actually I think I waited for like a month but what the fuck. it's not like we were dating again. jesus. so then he started getting belligerent and his last email he told me that I was an evil bitch and because of that it will be that much easier to get over me and said goodbye. I didn't hear from him again which was good. then my birthday rolled along and I got a terrible email from him. like really graphic pictures. and he wrote me a short message which read as follows: "although I hate you I would never forget your birthday. I hope you are safe and well. Be good.
happy birthday old lady. we will meet again one day... in hell. Bye."
I mean he acts like I killed someone in his family. jesus. I showed all my friends just in case anything ever happens...you know like he kills me or something. I haven't showed it to my parents because I don't want them to press charges or something. I mean I don't know why I'm protecting him still but I guess I just think even after all that he wouldn't actually do something to me. but that's about it for that. as for my crush here well I really don't have much to say about that anymore. I think he just never liked me and that was that. meh. I guess I can't have everyone like me right?
so that's truly it.