a_strange_treat

Hallooo my swashbuckling chums:

Ready are ye, to once more strike up the mizzensail? Best be on you toes, me hearts, lest I flense ye to meat with me cutlass.

Tis cold to be sure, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

Now I shall disguise myself as some sort of a non-pirate bloke and speak as such a wretched creature would do.

One of these days, I will remember to bring a camera to work and take a picture of my pirate flag. It was custom made to fly upon the mainmast of my goodly ship, the Chicken of the Sea . Among other elements, it has a big angry squid on it. I like squids. And not to eat. They are my brethren. I am captain of the ship, chosen according to the code by general election. I have a first mate and some wenches, and some auxiliary wenches. I have a crew of swashbuckling chums. The wenchs are also eligible for swashbuckling chum status and many bear both titles. This is what happens when I get bored at work.

Speaking of work, I emailed my chum that in my office, er ... my ship ... I have a sign that reads, "I hate everyone and you're next." Which indeed I do.

She replied with a list of everything she had in her office, down to the last sibling photo and fully poseable Treebeard figure.

So ... I responded with a list of the things I keep in my ship. I found it funny, and deem it necessary to inflict it upon your persons.

Like so:

"Oh ... well in total I have framed pictures of both daughters, a framed
picture of you [my chum], a birthday card you gave me, a picture of the evil
Family Guy monkey, a bunch of books, a framed photo of an orangutan, a
photo of Einstein, a photo of a scowling gorilla, a human skull with a
post-it on top that reads 'thank you,' a photo of two pelicans, a monkey
postcard that says 'Jealous monkey whips the squeaky donut,' a Mr. Burns
figure, two stuffed and fluffy monkeys, a mug with a pirate punching a
monkey that Beastie [Note: Beastie is another chum] made for me, skeleton decorations that Beastie made
for me, a monkey puppet, a statue of a bald pirate with a monkey on his
shoulder brandishing a cutlass, a little Admiral Akbar standing with arms akimbo, a hanging
Captain Morgan keychain, a bank shaped like a monkey in a cape with a
broken samurai sword stuck in the coin slot, a poseable pirate action
figure, a tiny monkey in a fez, a wind up monkey that does back flips, a
Far Side poster that reads 'A short lived phenomenon: A chicken
suspended by a balloon floating through a samurai bar,' a Grim Reaper on
a string thumbtacked to the wall, a newspaper clipping that reads,
'Captain makes it look easy,' a red sticker that says, 'I need sumo
wrestler, diving board,' a drawing Julie [Daughter] did of David Bowie standing
near our Christmas tree, a drawing of a rose by Katelyn [daughter], a stapler, a
fire helmet, a sign that reads 'Kiss me. I'm a pirate' that I have hung
beneath my nameplate, a bear that cries 'I love chocolate' when you
squeeze its belly, a 8 x 10 photo of an old man leaning on a gravestone
with this engraved on it: 'I just came here to laugh,' an American Flag
on a small pole, a stinky wax wizard head with a nose piercing and paper
Hulk eyes, See no Evil/Hear no Evil monkeys from MM Hotts [yet another chum], a bag of
chocolate and a coffee maker, a framed quotation by Ralph Waldo Emerson,
a large custom-made pirate flag designed especially for this my ship
(there's a big angry-looking squid on it), and a statue of the Norse God
of Mischief.

I also keep Star Wars Trivial Pursuit and a pink Barrel of Monkeys in my
file cabinet."

I say to you all, HA!

Do not think me strange, chums. Think of me as a sexy beast who will savage you to death.

I am in a odd mood. I am feeling verbose and sideways. I have to take out the garbage. I have a sword. I feel sneezy. And I advise all of you to take the following words to heart: "Champagne-filled chocolates."

I enjoy these little pirate faces considerably.