_catalyst_

Much refreshed.

I was thinking, wow. Five people. Five people I've been letting into my thoughts and letting influence my emotions over the past year. Five people who are benefitting me in no way by being a part of my focus.

I see (and think of) many other people each day without a tug in either emotional direction.

Why am I giving so much power to those five (the worst five, no less!)?

I was also thinking, why am I freakin out so much? What do I think they've taken from me?

Then I thought of my life before them. I had had just as many if not more ecstatic times before I even knew them. Basically it was like adding donuts to my diet. Now that I don't have them I'm having those sugar withdrawals, but when I look at the situation there is just no good reason for me to have them.

Then I think of each one individually. I think of my opinions of each of them before they became part of my group... Not so great actually (especially my opinions of them as I got to know them more)..

I think I mostly liked them because they were part of my posse and were always there...

When I really think about it, none of those people had anything to do with the scene I was being introduced to, except that they were being introduced too.

Yeah, when I really think about it, the only thing I'm worried about is that if I show up somewhere they are I'll have to talk to them.

And I really have nothing positive to say. I don't think I could stand and make small talk with them....

But I guess I have to get over it if I want to be part of the stuff I want to be a part of...

I can either get over the fact that they're probably going to have presence in my life for quite some time,

or I can hold onto my crappy feelings and not do anything.

I had this big group of friends last summer... eclectic but at the same time all interested in similar stuff..

Outdoor parties, electronic music, raves, dancing...energy..

At least I THOUGHT I had a big group of friends. Til they one by one proved to be the worst friends I could have picked~ totally fake, unloyal, backstabbing, you name it..

So here I am. With a few good people left in my life.

Unfortunately none of these three (yeah, I only have my boyfriend, my best friend from the first day in high school, and my other best friend from high school) are really into the lifestyle I want to be into.

I felt like I was just getting into a group I wanted to be a part of. I was just starting to spend my free time around people I liked and doing things that I loved, and that inspired me.

Then I broke up with my group.

Now I'm drifting.

I have no idea how to get back into the scene I was barely becoming a part of...it's mostly a big network that I'm not a part of now...and that kind of scene is pretty empty without close friends to celebrate it with anyway...

I see my old friends posts and pics all the time (unavoidable; my group was big and I would have to cut off quite a few more people who never hurt me to never see/hear about the offenders again) and they're all going to raves and wilderness parties and having a grand old time...

They even went to burning man... I've been dying to go for years and they had never even heard of it til last year from me (come to think of it they didn't even want to go when I first told them about it!)...

Basically I'm just jealous. How come right when I was liking my life they had to fuck me over, and now they get to live all the shit I was loving, and I have no fun?

It's just not fair, I tell you.

I hate bars. I'm over getting drunk in general. Having to dumb down to enjoy myself or relate to others is ridiculous.

But no one I know now likes the scene I like.

Except people who hang out with the evil ex friends.

I feel like the whole scene has been closed off from me now.

Not that 'the scene' (any scene) is everything.

But I was feeling like I was coming home; I was feeling i belonged, I was feeling i could relate to the people I was meeting and spending time with..

And now I have none of that. I don't go out~ I have nowhere to go and no one to go with.

Going to raves without ravers is overrated; I'm not doing that anymore.

I just want some fun in my life again dammit. I want it to stop being rubbed in my face that all my ex friends have taken my place and are all giddy and having a blast while I sit at home not having anywhere I'm wishing i could be.

I just want, oh, maybe some emotional freedom?

Seriously, what does it take to wipe away the memories of people you thought you were going to be close with forever, who seem to be all around you?

I've been just wanting to forget about all the stupid people and drama. But it's like everywhere I turn there it is. Might as well have a huge flashing neon sign and one of those radio car commercial voices announcing it.

Has anyone had similar experiences? How the hell did you snap out of it? How do you 'start over' when you just want pieces of your old life back?

I literally think I'm going to go crazy if things carry on like this. I think I may have to go on meds or delete my myspace profile. But even that will only scratch the surface.