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...is Jaded
VIEW 16 of 16 COMMENTS
rosehips:
I don't even know if you are still around and I know that flippant responses tend to be the norm around here, but, if you are still feeling jaded I really recommend volunteering your time some where. I used to be very jaded and a friend asked me to do some volunteer work and it helped so much. Something about helping other people changes the way you look at the world.
biledriver:
Miss ya wish you were still around
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I love the smell of napalm in the morning!!

I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. Im going to take a stand. Im going to defend it. Right or wrong, Im going to defend it.

Tell me some of your favorite movie quotes, I'm really in the mood...
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VIEW 26 of 26 COMMENTS
thejuanupsman:
I remember a time when you and I both updated way more often. Looks like you aren't too active anymore. Sad for me. You were always one of my favorite people on the site. Hope things are going well for you.
punkdork:
i remember a time when . . . pants were optional.
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Do you ever get the feeling that everything in America is completely fucked up?

Yeah I am well aware that the above statement is from a different Combichrist song, but this movie (The Gene Generation) was the movie that actually made me a Combichrist fan. I have always been more of an old school industrial fan, but Bai Ling in a rivet movie can make...
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VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
squee_:
You are not fucked up. You are just different. That's not a bad thing. This would be a pretty boring world if everyone conformed to the norm.
spankster:
Don't be so down on yourself Ash. It makes no difference what music you listen to or what style of clothing, makeup, or hair you have. Hell, screw what others think of you. From the little time I knew you, I always thought you were a great person. Beautiful inside and out. I still do too. If people want to judge then let them. It's their loss, not yours. Do, dress, listen, etc to what makes you happy. And don't worry about your son, I know he'll be just fine. After all, he has a great mother and father that do whatever they can to make sure he is loved and taken care of. That's something a lot of kids don't have.
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This is totally lame, my phone & internet are both shut off until I can conjure up the money to pay it. I didn't think it would be turned off for more than a week but now it's been well over a month and I feel so estranged from everyone and everything. I really miss being able to look for work online, research any...
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VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
fitzsimmons:
Hmmm, 3 things...

I stutter. Not as much as I used to, but still often enough that I get anxious about it.

Most of the men in my family have been in prison. This had a deep impact on me. I was so determined not to have it ever happen to me that I never, ever did anything wrong. Looking back I think I was too good. I missed out on some fun times.

I have some learning disabilities. I used to be very embarrassed and would never have admitted it to anyone who didn't already know. But now I see it as something I can be proud to have dealt with. I work really hard to get what some people get with little or no effort. I think the most important thing I've learned is that it's the effort that really matters.

Hope you get your internet back soon. smile
psyche:
Sup girl... I'm back... remember me? :-)
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It's been what seems like forever since I've had the internet at my house. It really hits you harder than you think it will, on so many levels. For one, it's the main source I use to find work/jobs/clients, it's a HUGE source of information that I rely heavily on, and it's the only way I have to...
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VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
jekyllandhyde:
Damn, if only I did have the ability to exist outside of time....

Don't worry, one way or another, things will be okay. I mean, after all you've been through, you HAVE managed to keep a roof over your heads, you know?
thejuanupsman:
It's tough to do things without the internet these days. Hard to believe how much I rely on something I completely ignored just a decade earlier. I don't even know If I could make a living without it now.

Hope things are better since you wrote this.
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Life is one big guerrilla warfare circle jerk.

If that line made any sense to you at all then you definitely belong here on my page. If not .. well .. whatever


Apparently the first entry in the urban dictionary for the name "Ash" is:

"That gay ass prick from pokemon."

Not so amusing. However! Some of the more suitable and interesting ones I found were ...
~Hero of...
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VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
thejuanupsman:
Sorry about Zeikha. We lost one of pets recently too. Always tough. Hope you are doing OK.

I started to fall in love with my wife the first night I talked to her. We talked for over 8 hours that first night and by the end we were talking about how we would raise our kids. It took about 7 months for her to move in with me but we both knew it was going to happen long before that. Almost 25 years later and we are still together. Had a few rough patches but, yeah, I believe that love can happen very quickly.

I run in to this often playing online poker. Generally I just mute the person and move on. It's a little different on a forum. I guess it depends on what they are saying. From personal experience I can say that trying to defend yourself against some things just makes it worse. People are inclined to believe the worst of people sometimes and don't really care to have the truth interfere with their perception. I think the most important factor may be how it makes you feel. If confrontation and drama will make you feel bad then let it go. If holding it in and not saying anything is going to make you feel worse then by all means confront the person and say whatever nees to be said.

I always encouraged my daughter to challenge authority and that this should include her parents and her peers. That backfired on me a few times but she never really had a problem with peer pressure so I think it was worth the extra challenge it may have given me some of the time.
turbulence:
falling in love is always an "accident", moving in can happen fast, but marriage and kids needs some time and stability smile
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VIEW 25 of 34 COMMENTS
just_eric:
~If there was one person u could find in this world that u lost touch with, who would it be?

my daughter that i gave up for adoption

Would they be happy to see u?

i would hope so


~Name me your own personal winter olympic event.

extreme snow angel making! hahaha


~Tell me how u ended up here on my journal.

havent heard from you for a long time... frown

Where are u off to next?

home

~What's the number one thing you wish would happen to you today?

that i could find 6 people to help get rich!




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Gah, I just HAD to get rid of that shitty journal entry. I was in a bad place when I wrote that and I HATE HATE HATE sounding like a whiner. If anything, I like to poke a little fun at my sorry ass situations and get a good laugh out of it with ya'll. So ... ONWARD!

Check THIS shit out ... my sister just...
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VIEW 17 of 17 COMMENTS
texy:
No worries lady! It's always nice to know there are
still good people out there.. hiding.. somewhere! smile
Thankyou for taking the time to reply.

Yes, Cabin Fever rocks! It was my first
"introduction" to Eli Roth, and his madness.
Im not a fan of Hostel though.. but that man
sure has a wicked sense of humour.

Haha, fuck yes! biggrin I used to have a
Nintendo 64, and I always remember
skiting to my friends that my Mum could
clock every level on James Bond Goldeneye.
Lol !!

I hope you have an awesome
weekend pretty smile
diffieq:
I lived in IN for my first 20 years, only reason I'm down here is for work (Engineer at Nuclear Power Plant) As far as advice, it comes from personal experience, probably where some of the best advice comes from. Also why there are so many shitty therapists out there.

As far as reading your entry goes, it's because I made the mistake of reading one of your long blogs a couple years ago... I got sucked inwink and always hope to see a happy one.

Have fun in Chapel Hill, I'd love to give you some ideas of fun stuff to do on the way or while there, but I'm new to the area myself.
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I've had it. Really. How many times does someone have to be kicked while they're down before they DONT get back up? I just wanna turn in my keys to my life and say "I'm done with this".


I can't sleep at night because I'm just terrified about what the next day will bring. When I finally DO wake up...
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VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
jekyllandhyde:
I'm really, really sorry. I thought I was going through hard times, but damn....

Look, I know this doesn't mean much, but one day, things will be better. I don't know when or how, but they will. Every time I've been about ready to just give up, something has come around, sometimes out of nowhere, to help just a little bit. I don't know if you believe in God or not, but even if you don't, don't worry, I do; I'll pray for you.
schiavona:
I so wish I was right there for you. I'd have made sure you didn't have to walk home.frown

Love you sweetie.
kisskiss
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'Tis the season to be ... afraid of cops! They're freakin everywhere! Crime goes sky high during the holidays so I can understand the need for extra protection, but when u bend the rules like I do this isn't exactly the best time of year.

You never know how terribly ALONE u truly are until something traumatic happens and u need the help of...
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VIEW 25 of 37 COMMENTS
strega:
Hope your Holidays turned out ok.

I don't remember the last time I was pulled over. It must have been at least 10 years ago. Probably for speeding in my hometown. I probably got a ticket and my dad probably paid it. Spoiled.

I have not had a pet as an adult but when I was a kid my parents always got treats for out dogs at Christmas.

That's a tough one. I was really excited when I got my easy bake oven when I was a little girl. But when I was a second year Law student my parents gave me the next years tuition. That was a pretty big, and totally unexpected gift. I think they took a second mortgage to do it. I was pretty damn excited.

I gave my parents an Alaskan cruise last year. It was more than I could afford but my dad had promised it to my mom and then had to take a pay cut at his job and given how much they have done for me I was glad to finally give them something they really wanted.
kundalini:
I'm sorry to hear about your bad xmas experience. I hope things went well for you in the end.

Your comment is funny because I don't even like fish. It's nice that you actually take the time to read my journal while no one else around here seems to.

Thanks.
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I can't even believe what's going on. I'm actually quite a bit in shock as I write this. My man *just* found work after seeking it for over 8 months. He found a job 3 weeks ago, worked 2 weeks, and was laid off yesterday along with 39 other recruited ppl because the agency who hired them "over-hired". They chose the ppl...
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VIEW 19 of 19 COMMENTS
sciencexxx:
Happy Turkey Day!
ridenasty:
hey Ash, i know its been a very long time, and im not sure if you remember me, but i wanted to drop you a line and see how things are going? has you man foud another job?
i hope that things are going good for you and yours.
take care,
nasty
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I'm trying to get used to my new way of life around here,but it's pretty boring. I guess I'll look for work until I can figure out how to get back into school.

How time does fly, my sons birthday is almost here ... AGAIN! I feel like it was just here a few months ago. Every year it gets harder and...
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VIEW 16 of 16 COMMENTS
jekyllandhyde:
Hey, thanks for the advice. I actually felt a little better after reading what you said. I still feel incredibly stupid about this whole thing, but I guess I'm not the first person to get caught up in this kind of situation. Unfortunately, I have an extraordinary gift for self-deception (that may be a byproduct of me being a writer, I'm not sure), and this leads me to tell myself, "Well, we actually talked, and I was kind, and maybe she doesn't get many people like that..." even though I know how sad that sounds. Ugh, anyway, thanks again.

~Not yet; I'd like to someday, but don't ask me how that'll come about.
~I suppose I'm the former, if only because every apartment I've ever lived in has devolved into an absolute mess sooner or later. I don't want them to, but that's just kind of how it happens....
~That's a big question. Part of it is that I do believe in God, even though I have some severe issues with religion, and, as corny as it sounds, that does comfort me and keep me going sometimes. I guess I also genuinely believe in what I'm writing, and that eventually someone else will think as highly of my stuff as I do.
~Hey, hardly anyone ever analyzes me at all; I don't mind being overanalyzied -- I kind of like the attention, hah.
alecks:
ive been single for like 2+ years now i think... maybe 3 i dunno.. its fine im not really in the right state to be in a relationship

anyhow...
~Do you have any kids yourself? If so, age? Names? If not .. do u plan to?
no i dont have any kids but eventually id like to have one... much further down the road

~What kind of person are you ... the type who thinks a spotless house is a sign of not getting out and living your life to the fullest? Or the type who can't stand the thought of the words "germ" or "dirt"?
its not that cut and dry with me... im very laid back but when it comes to work or anything i do passionately it needs to be clean or in order... but my living space is usually pretty messy

~What do you think keeps you in a straight line? Or maybe .. the thing that makes you "keep going" in life when you want to quit?
nothing particularly... i have my scruples and self discipline is important to me

~Are u starting to think I'm overanalyzing alll of you? lol Because I totally am.
not at all... youve never made assumptions about me based on my answers