I have to say that I really appreciate the response I got to my last journal entry. I was just upset and feeling horrible and kind of ranting about it, not expecting anything in response to it except a couple of "hey, feel better"s and sad-face emoticons. But a number of you wrote me with really helpful, insightful advice and sympathy. I can't tell you...
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oldevil:
Just had to tell you that you are truly a stunning young woman with an intelect to match.I find that very sexy 
falias:
just stoped in randomly to say hello
Why do I persist in dragging myself through endless self-defeating circles? Why do I have to go through the same soul-searching bullshit every few months or so? This ridiculously banal dissatisfaction should not be defining me. Can't I get past this crap? Aren't I a grown-up now? Aren't I smarter than this? It ceased being interesting back in the days of angst-filled middle school notebook...
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VIEW 20 of 20 COMMENTS
bartonfink:
Thoughtful.
Intelligent.
Insightful.
Focused.
Good writing, coupled with a deep sense of where you are emotionally/psychologically.
You didn't actually ask for help, or even opinions - your questions were, of course, rhetorical - but here' my idea:
- you're an introvert. I recommend you read Party of One: The Loners' Manifesto -- by Anneli S. Rufus.
- your statement, "human interaction is what life is all about" is absolutely true. On the other hand, human interaction is messy, human interaction is (at least potentially) painful. The state of being connected implies that disconnection is always a possibility.
- depression is a bitch. Please feel free to accept the fact that your Dad, for all his other good qualities, is clueless about depression. Meds, combined with a good therapist, will eventual get you to a place where the lethargy, numbness, and fear will lighten, allowing you to think more clearly, see things in a more hopeful light. Been there. Live there, actually: after my last, uh, adventure, I came to the conlusion that I'll spend the rest my life on meds.
Whatever.
- friends - frivolous, silly, chatty, shallow, "let's all go out for a beer" friends - are seriously over-rated. If you have one person to share things with, to connect with, to talk to, to open your deepest self to, you are blessed. Very few experience that. Most of what passes for "friendship" wouldn't likely work for you, anyway; you're hungry for something deeper.
Take care. And don't be so hard on yourself.
Intelligent.
Insightful.
Focused.
Good writing, coupled with a deep sense of where you are emotionally/psychologically.
You didn't actually ask for help, or even opinions - your questions were, of course, rhetorical - but here' my idea:
- you're an introvert. I recommend you read Party of One: The Loners' Manifesto -- by Anneli S. Rufus.
- your statement, "human interaction is what life is all about" is absolutely true. On the other hand, human interaction is messy, human interaction is (at least potentially) painful. The state of being connected implies that disconnection is always a possibility.
- depression is a bitch. Please feel free to accept the fact that your Dad, for all his other good qualities, is clueless about depression. Meds, combined with a good therapist, will eventual get you to a place where the lethargy, numbness, and fear will lighten, allowing you to think more clearly, see things in a more hopeful light. Been there. Live there, actually: after my last, uh, adventure, I came to the conlusion that I'll spend the rest my life on meds.
Whatever.
- friends - frivolous, silly, chatty, shallow, "let's all go out for a beer" friends - are seriously over-rated. If you have one person to share things with, to connect with, to talk to, to open your deepest self to, you are blessed. Very few experience that. Most of what passes for "friendship" wouldn't likely work for you, anyway; you're hungry for something deeper.
Take care. And don't be so hard on yourself.
stillfindnight:
I have had some of the feelings you are talking about, especially the avoidance (of my family for no good reason other than they make me nervous), depression, etc... I use(d) drugs to avoid dealing. This is definitely not the best nor most advisable option. I have friends but dislike many of them. Many of them seem soulless sometimes. My girlfriend has issues similar to the ones you shared, not having close friends, general lack of motivation. I have learned to demand very little from friends other than a little "help" every once in a while, a sympathetic ear now and again, and a sense of humour always.
Creating will help you out of this: paint, sculpt, write, cook, draw, sing, dance, whatever. Use creation as a basis to find new friends. Your intuition will lead you to great people. You may feel a bit competative with them at first. My best friends are my business partner and two friends that I am in a band with. Give friendship time to develop. However, true (read this word for all connotations) friends are rare finds.
It gets better as you get older and lose a lot of the selfconciousness that lingers from youth. Especially when you have others to worry about who are as dear to you as yourself (children, lover/soulmate, dog). Focus begins to shift from yourself to those around you that you love. You cannot get this from your parents because you are the object of there love. It has to come from loving and supporting those who need it. When that begins to take up your time you will not have much time to self obsess.
Apologies for horrid spelling but I can't be fucking bothered with that.
You should be feeling better already
[Edited on Nov 29, 2004 4:32PM]
Creating will help you out of this: paint, sculpt, write, cook, draw, sing, dance, whatever. Use creation as a basis to find new friends. Your intuition will lead you to great people. You may feel a bit competative with them at first. My best friends are my business partner and two friends that I am in a band with. Give friendship time to develop. However, true (read this word for all connotations) friends are rare finds.
It gets better as you get older and lose a lot of the selfconciousness that lingers from youth. Especially when you have others to worry about who are as dear to you as yourself (children, lover/soulmate, dog). Focus begins to shift from yourself to those around you that you love. You cannot get this from your parents because you are the object of there love. It has to come from loving and supporting those who need it. When that begins to take up your time you will not have much time to self obsess.
Apologies for horrid spelling but I can't be fucking bothered with that.
You should be feeling better already
[Edited on Nov 29, 2004 4:32PM]
Fuck you yuppie bitches who come into my work and treat me like shit because I'm on the other side of the counter. Fuck your tacky jewelry and your too-much perfume and your nasty little dogs and your adopted chinese babies in $600 strollers. Fuck your parking garage hogging SUVs with Bush and "my kid goes to a fancy private school" bumper stickers. Fuck you...
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glorybox:
Well said!!!!!! 
ninazero:
Righteous rant!
I had a dream that I cut off all my hair and then I was sad because I felt ruined.
I had another dream that was a montage of all the worst moments of my life-- times where I've felt the most angry, anguished, humiliated. I woke up angry at the people who were involved in those moments. Most of them I haven't had any...
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I had another dream that was a montage of all the worst moments of my life-- times where I've felt the most angry, anguished, humiliated. I woke up angry at the people who were involved in those moments. Most of them I haven't had any...
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shayne:
Ada... I was checking out your illustrations... they are KICK ASS! 
gh0stw0lf:
You are absolutely STUNNING in red! Keep on bein beautiful!
They say only 1 in 10 people between the ages of 18 and 29 voted yesterday. This is the demographic that was expected to heavily favor Kerry. If you didn't vote yesterday-- this shit is YOUR FAULT.
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curiosity:
Voting won't help matters. Only change will.
Curi.
Curi.
hardcore_darb:
right on!! you said it perfect!
The universe did not want me to get to my hometown to vote today--my car was towed this morning (again!) and it took me hours and an entire paycheck to get it out and when I finally got it and was on my way-- I had a tire blowout and ended up stranded on the side of the highway. But I managed to get there...
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dedgirl:
sheesh what a day!
robosagogo:
For all that, they should've given you the chance to vote twice.
Also, a puppy.
Also, a puppy.
Fuck--this dial-up shit is SLOW!! I haven't abandoned the world of SG-- my DSL has been broken. It's going to be a few more weeks before it's working again, apparantly, so I probably won't be terribly active for a little while longer. But as soon as I'm reconnected I'll resume my 10 hours a day of Sg surfing and bore you all with the mundane...
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melitta:
dial up sucks 
akira069:
happy halloween! way to go keeping us all in suspense! lol 
So I hope all is well with you. Looks as though you are besides the slow connection, but you'll get over that what are you going to be for halloween? well, take care and talk soon. aloha
So I hope all is well with you. Looks as though you are besides the slow connection, but you'll get over that what are you going to be for halloween? well, take care and talk soon. alohaSo I broke my toe Wednesday night. I slammed it in the door by accident. It's all bruised and mangled and nasty looking, and I can't walk on it at all. I went to the doctor's and all they x-rayed it, said "yup it's broken" then taped it to my other toe and tell me to "take ibuprofin and try not to walk." And charged...
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mercie:
you need to update cutie pie! 
alecks:
awww see youre not as misanthropic as you thought
i think ive broken my toe a million times but never thought anything of it, i bet thats why all people have curled toes
=-> Alecks
i think ive broken my toe a million times but never thought anything of it, i bet thats why all people have curled toes
=-> Alecks
So I went to this wedding on Friday, friends of Adam's... fuck. They spent some $$$ on this thing! The ceremony was at this GORGEOUS old church in Bolton Hill-- all stone and ornate details and tons of stained glass windows. It was amazingly beautiful, and the surroundings made up for the fact that we had to sit through a fucking Catholic Mass ... really...
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mercie:
The beautiful Ada.
I must meet you soon, dearie! Can you come this Tuesday to Frazier's on the Avenue for our weekly hardcore karaoke craziness?
Plenty of time to plan.
I must meet you soon, dearie! Can you come this Tuesday to Frazier's on the Avenue for our weekly hardcore karaoke craziness?
Plenty of time to plan.
brianjames81:
wow. someone who writes more than i do.
Okay, so the blonde hair is gone now, thank god. But I did kind of a crappy job with the black and it's all patchy with some orangy parts showing through. Which is ironic since the whole reason for this bleaching/re-dying debacle was to EVEN OUT my hair color. Oh well. At least it didn't all fall out (not yet, anyway.)
The whole having a...
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The whole having a...
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schiavona:
Haha. Boring. I don't think you'll ever be boring. Maybe bored, but boring.....? Nah.
mercie:
Come see some pictures from last night in my journal. You really really must make it out there soon!!!
xoxo ♥
xoxo ♥
So, what do you guys think I'd look like as a blonde? Because I kind of am one right now. 
Hair dye complications... it looks freakish and not in a good way. I may post pictures tomorrow. I'm definitely dying it black again-- I just need to try and even out the orange/blonde/brown patches first. By lightening it even more. I may stay blonde for...
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Hair dye complications... it looks freakish and not in a good way. I may post pictures tomorrow. I'm definitely dying it black again-- I just need to try and even out the orange/blonde/brown patches first. By lightening it even more. I may stay blonde for...
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ayres:
I think that you would look pretty in blonde. But a Marilyn Moonroe blonde.
Ill go for that
Ill go for that
greatalphawolf:
Well at least you got that out of the way....Now get back to your roots....
Gee, having a job really... passes the time. I'm now a functional member of society! I splice negatives and put them through the processor, scan them for photo cds, cut them up (generally avoiding chopping your priceless wedding photo originals in half by accident when the stupid negative loader thing jams and I almost cut my finger off), and file them for you to come...
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mercie:
awesome and tell that pussy that I have to work tomorrow too, no being a butthead and not going! haha... I shall see you later i hope!!! I hope I recognize you, lol...
mercie:
Well I have red and black hair and my James has glasses (alas, no spiked hair)... guess we're BOTH generic. hah