Obama is a two-faced liar. Aw-RIGHT!

Republicans are right. President Barack Obama treated them like dirt, didn't give a damn what they thought about his stimulus package, loaded it with a bunch of programs that will last for years and will never leave the budget, is giving away money disguised as "tax refunds," and is sneaking in huge changes in policy, from schools to health care, using the pretext of an economic emergency.

Way to go, Mr. O! Mr. Down-and-Dirty Chicago pol. Street-fightin' man. Covering over his break-your-face power play with a "we're all post-partisan friends" BS.

And it's about time.

Frankly, I was worried about this guy. Obama's appointing Clinton-droids to the Cabinet, bloated incompetents like Larry Summers as "Economics Czar," made me fear for my country, that we'd gotten another Democrat who wished he were a Republican.

Then came Obama's money bomb. The House bill included $125 billion for schools (TRIPLING federal spending on education), expanding insurance coverage to the unemployed, making the most progressive change in the tax code in four decades by creating a $500 credit against social security payroll deductions, and so on.

It's as if Obama dug up Ronald Reagan's carcass and put a stake through The Gipper's anti-government heart. Aw-RIGHT!

About the only concession Obama threw to the right-wing trogs was to remove the subsidy for condoms, leaving hooker-happy GOP Senators, like David Vitter, to pay for their own protection. S'OK with me.

And here's the proof that Bam is The Man: Not one single Republican congressman voted for the bill. And that means that Obama didn't compromise, the way Clinton and Carter would have, to win the love of these condom-less jerks.

And we didn't need'm. Nyah! Nyah! Nyah!

Now I understand Obama's weird moves: dinner with those creepy conservative columnists, earnest meetings at the White House with the Republican leaders, a dramatic begging foray into Senate offices. Just as the Republicans say, it was all a fraud. Obama was pure Chicago, Boss Daley in a slim skin, putting his arms around his enemies, pretending to listen and care and compromise, then slowly, quietly, slipping in the knife. All while the media praises Obama's "post-partisanship." Heh heh heh.

Love it. Now we know why Obama picked that vindictive little viper Rahm Emanuel as staff chief: everyone visiting the Oval office will be greeted by the Windy City hit man who would hack up your grandma if you mess with the Godfather-in-Chief.

I don't know about you, but THIS is the change I've been waiting for.

Will it last?

We'll see if Obama caves in to more tax cuts to investment bankers. We'll see if he stops the sub-prime scum-bags from foreclosing on frightened families. We'll see if he stands up to the whining, gormless generals who don't know how to get our troops out of Iraq. (In SHIPS, you doofuses!)

Look, don't get your hopes up. But it may turn out the new President's...a Democrat!


Greg Palast's investigative reports for BBC and Rolling Stone can be seen at www.GregPalast.com. . Palast is the author of New York Times bestsellers The Best Democracy Money Can Buy and Armed Madhouse.

I really didn’t expect Obama to publicly chastise George W. Bush during his inaugural speech, but that is exactly what happened on Tuesday. It was an old fashioned verbal beat down. Line after line repudiating the terrible policies of Bush, while the creep was forced to sit quietly and listen. And all this after being booed by the crowd as he made his entrance. Welcome to the rest of your life George, you are a massive failure.

Obama started by tossing George a bit of sugar.

Now, George, please take your balls out of your pants and gently rest them on your chair because I am going to hit them with a hammer.

Barry started with the economy.

An open handed slap to the face. This was a direct response to the Bush policies of the past eight years. It could have only been better if Obama had said it directly to George: "You did nothing about our failed energy policy, which weakened us militarily and financially. You did nothing to fix healthcare. You did nothing to solve our public school problems. You did nothing to prepare America for the future."

Most notably, Obama said, “failure to make hard choices.” Bush’s line was and has always been, “I make the hard choices, even if they aren’t popular.” It was no mistake that Obama used this exact language. He stood in front of America and told Bush he did not make hard choices. Rather brutal from a diplomatic standpoint.

Barry continued.

Punch to the gut. Barry just told George the way he governed was wrong. Bad. Sorry. Lame. Weak. And nobody was into it. The grown up is taking over. Just sit and listen, I’m in charge of this shit now.

Knee to the head. He just called Bush “petty” and called him out on making “false promises.” Ouch. Although, that one was actually a combo. It was a “you blew it” to George and a “watch your shit” warning for Congress. Might want to listen, boys.

In a minute or so, Obama moved on to my favorite moment of the entire speech.

Roundhouse kick to the face. Bush was just called out for throwing science overboard –– and he had to sit there quietly and listen. Obama went on to explain that his restoration in science will lead to improvements in health care, energy and schools. Let's get some stem cells and solar panels up in this bitch!

Elbow to the nose. Again, this is an attack on everything Bush stands for. Obama is telling America to look beyond the small minded, backward government of Bush, to see a future where great things can be achieved. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t, but he’s kicking Bush and his cynicism in the face.

Hi, reframing, my name is Barack. I just took a shiv and jammed it into the ribs of a former “small government” president sitting behind me. Small or big doesn’t matter –– only whether or not it works. Uh oh. Republicans just shit themselves all over America. Dude with the mic took away your big, stupid argument. Better hope this one doesn’t stick, you fucking Neanderthals.

Holy shit. Another roundhouse kick to George’s face. Is he still conscious? Obama just told George his tax cuts and his obliteration of regulatory bodies ruined us. This is when I started giggling. I can only assume now completely transformed into a super villain Dick Cheney was squirming.

Is it possible to do a roundhouse kick to the testicles? Because I think that's what just happened. George, we reject you. You know that whole thing you built your 8 years in office on? We reject it. Completely.

Shhhh! Just sit there and listen, he’s not done.

He poured salt in one of the many open wounds. “Once more.” Because that hasn’t been happening for the past eight years. Obama just told Bush we haven’t been leading. How delightful is that? How long have you waited to hear that?

Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Will somebody is Bush’s corner throw in the towel? It’s like Obama is bunching a sack of meat. “Nor does it entitle us to do as we please?” At this point he’s just lecturing Bush on how to be a proper leader, like he is a five-year-old.

This was not just a comment to leaders around the world. This was a comment for George, first and everyone else second. George has built nothing, he has only destroyed. His administration was shockingly corrupt, deceitful and he was just told so by an adult. “Unclench your fist.” My God. Brutal. Those three words could not describe Bush more. And it was obvious, throughout this speech, who he was talking to. Today, some historians have said no president has repudiated another so harshly during an inaugural address since Roosevelt handed Hoover his ass on a plate. And you can be sure the message was received this time.

Yet, they have no power to respond. With these comments, you can be sure Obama washed his hands of these people.

They have been set aside. It’s time to clean up the day care center.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

As of the December 10, 2008, Barack Obama's transitional government website allows users to submit questions for direct response. Users are also able to vote on the questions, to promote those considered more worthy of attention.

I think this is brilliant, I have always thought there should be more direct interaction between a leader and the people. Britain has a government petition website allowing the public to add their vote to causes they deem worthy, however, I have often found the official responses to be confusing and indirect.

'The Transition' has asked the people for their opinions on selected issues, and now they invite you to return the favour. I hope the current trend of interactive political interest will continue. I also hope no less-popular but still deserving issues will be ignored due to the question-voting system.

Here's to change.

I know. It’s shocking. But, I keep hearing it. The guy can still lose this thing, even though when you look at the electoral map, he is kicking the shit out of Old School. Even though he is gaining in Bush red states like Ohio, Florida, Colorado and Nevada. Even though he has an insurmountable lead in the McCain must win state of Pennsylvania. He can still lose.

Here are reasons you should be scared.

THE BRADLEY EFFECT

Oh my God. So fucking scary.

The Bradley Effect is named after Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley. It is the reason Bradley lost two elections. Apparently, people will tell pollsters they are undecided or voting for the black guy, but when they get into the voting booth they vote for the white guy. It’s a disturbing thing to think about. And you should be very, very afraid, according to the general election pollster for the guy who defeated Tom Bradley.

Scary stuff. There's always a dark, shadowy situation when dealing with black people.

So, definitely watch out for that. Honestly, I don’t know how Obama overcomes something as mythical as Bigfoot.

OCTO...er..NOVEMBER SURPRISE

Oh noes! It will just take one crazy surprise and this fucker is over. For instance, terrorists could blow something up, like a truck or a shovel. Then everybody will switch over to the guy who has seemed erratic and unstable during EVERY SINGLE CRISIS since the election race began. Look, when terrorists strike, people always say to themselves, “I want a very old guy who is nuts and angry, with a unknowledgeable lady idiot backing him up, to handle this shit.” It’s just how things go. So, when terrorists blow up a hat, you can turn out the lights for Obama.

VOTER FRAUD

So many close states ripe for Republican thievery. They’re going to steal it in every one! Obama has to be up by at least 6 points to win!

Look, it’s really, really easy to steal an election by stealing it in 14 or so states. That’s why the Republicans focused their stealing energy on one state in 2000 (Florida) and one state in 2004 (Ohio). Thievery works best when you do it on a massive and blatant scale.

CLOSE, CLOSE RACES

This is terrifying! We’ve been here before, haven’t we? Obama is barely ahead in sooo many states.

- Virginia: Obama up 51 percent to 47 percent.
- Colorado: Obama up 50 percent to 46 percent.
- Missouri: McCain up 48 percent to 47 percent.
- Ohio: Obama up 49 percent to 45 percent.
- North Carolina: McCain up 49 percent to 48 percent.
- Florida: Obama up 51 percent to 47 percent.
- New Hampshire: Obama up 50 percent to 46 percent.

I almost just shit myself writing that. Obviously if it’s close, McCain will win every one of those states – which is what he has to do to win. And Bush won most of those states, so even though Obama is surging in them, McCain will win then. Obama is doomed!

COMPLACENCY

AHHHHHHHH! Why aren’t people going to fucking vote! After 8 years of the most dreadful president in the history of the US, facing an economic disaster, a housing crisis, a costly failure of a war, the first black Democratic nominee and a massive increase in Democratic registrations and people are going to be complacent because they think Obama has it in the bag. What the fuck?

Fucking complacency. Obama is fucked.

Oh, and there are more reasons. Obama will probably say something stupid these last four days. Like, “Where the white women at?” Or Jesus will return, point at McCain and say, “Now that guy is the shit!” Or, Biden could take a kitten up on stage and rips its head off with his bare hands, drink the blood and then fornicate with the torso. Or Sarah Palin could….uh….uh…wait. Maybe this is over.

Maybe this late in the race everyone should step back and take a look at the big picture. A black man, with a Muslim sounding name, who has only been in the Senate for two years, who is a Democrat, who believes in many liberal policies, who was opposed to the Iraq War from the beginning and who did cocaine in his younger years, is ahead in all the polls. That doesn’t happen to a guy who is going to lose. It shows the quality he brings.

Two years ago, if you had told me a guy with all that baggage would be ahead at time I would have laughed at you. People have chosen. A massive victory will occur on Tuesday. Massive.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters. Come see him at the San Jose Improv this Saturday and Sunday.

This was a stellar week for Asshole Fuckfacing. They really should be proud of themselves. Asshole Fuckfaces have been at it since the dawn of time. The very first Asshole Fuckface was actually the serpent in the Garden of Eden. What a prick. Unfortunately, there was no one to write it down, so we don’t know what happened. Years later, my people were assigned to write the Asshole Fuckface Roundup every week. My father’s father’s father, Seamus Reaper, actually was the first to coin the phrase, “Put on your man bibs, this is going to be ugly.” In honor of Seamus, put on your man bibs.

First up, some AM radio Asshole Fuckfacery.

Chris Baker and Langdon Perry are a couple of conservative radio hosts in Minneapolis. Last week, they were having a robust and thoughtful conversation about health care. At one point, a caller claimed that health care is not a right. That’s when their brains started working.

No, shit. Thank God someone finally said this out loud. Goddamn AIDS faker. Why wouldn’t he? I mean, it was such a bonanza for him, the way it ended his career and all. He’s like the AIDS cash cow, soaking up all that AIDS money and living during a time when people were afraid to shake his hand. Everyone was faking AIDS in 1992. I mean, I had AIDs in 1992, but not 1994, you know what I’m sayin?

Hey, thanks. Be sure to include the part about people not faking AIDS.

Next up, some lady Republican Asshole Fuckfacery.

Diane Fedele, president of the highly respected Chaffey Community Republican Women, Federated, sends out a newsletter to her members. This months was a doosey. It included a hilarious spin on Obama’s comment that he "doesn't look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills." Hell, no, he looks like the dude on the food stamps.



Well. Just let that soak in for a few minutes. There’s a watermelon, some fried chicken, some ribs and some cool-aid. And it’s all on a food stamp. Although, she still felt the need to explain it, in case it was too subtle.

HA! He’s black! I get it! But now, Diane says she didn’t mean any harm.

Yes. Just food. That is all. None of the food on the food stamp has any sort of meaning. It’s simply for nourishment.

Sheila Reines, a black member of the Republican group, was upset.

Um. Yeah. That’s what keeps African-Americans from joining the Party. Not all the policies and whatnot. Also, what the fuck are you doing?

Next up, some Floridian Asshole Fuckfacery.

Joseph Prudente is a 66-year-old grandpa who has lived in a restricted community called Beacon Woods since 1998. But things have not been going well for Joe. His mortgage just shot up $600 month, his Toyota was repossessed and his daughter had to move in because she is having trouble, too.

Beacon Woods requires homeowners to keep their laws green. But Joe didn’t have the money to sod it and repair his broken sprinklers. The Beacon Woods Civic Association sent letters, explaining he must resod by a specific date. Joe couldn’t. He explained to the association his financial situation. The Asshole Fuckface association didn’t care.

So, they took him to court. In May, Asshole Fuckface Circuit Judge W. Lowell Bray handed down a court order giving Prudente 30 days to sod the yard. But that was going to be difficult, because he had no money.

The association kept at it.

Well, that should take care of the guy who can’t afford to sod his lawn. And they kept at him.

Of course, Joe now was finding it even more difficult to sod the yard, with all the fines and whatnot. So, the deadline passed. Then they did the unthinkable.

Oh, well, that should get the lawn work done. Fuck you, poor guy!

Hopefully Bob will be eaten by an alligator.

Finally, some the National Review can always be counted on for some Asshole Fuckfacery.

Yesterday, Ed Whelan wrote a little blog about how Barack Obama should thank his lucky stars he was not aborted.

That reminds me, I’m having an Abortion is Rad potluck this Friday, come on by whenever.

Oh, so you have zero stats, but “indirect indications” (your friends) say it’s really up there. Gotcha. So, having not spoken to Barack’s dead mother, Ed has concluded her morality would have led to an abortion.

Oh, shit yeah. How dare he be against something when he has no idea whether or not it would have affected his life.

Here, here. What an amazing argument you’ve laid out, based on nothing. I also have one: What if abortions were done on a sort of Russian roulette basis. Now, here me out, because I am one of those pro-abortion, celebration people. (Did I mention I’m having a Go Abortion! pool party next weekend? Swimming, barbeque and abortions on the deck. Bring a suit!)

Russian Roulette Abortion would mean that when a woman found out they were pregnant, she would have to go into a lottery and if she were picked, she would get an abortion. If we had implemented this program in the 40s, George Bush may never have been born and over a million people would be alive today. Just something to think about, since we are making shit up and pulling it out of our assholes.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

One in ten people in America are silently screaming right now. They’re surrounded by election fever but cannot vote for our next president. They care about our country –– passionately enough to leave their own behind –– but are frozen out of the electoral process.

Aliensvote.net is giving this massive minority a voice. It’s a site where the estimated 29.1 million aliens residing in America can cast a vote. Their votes won’t count in the election, but at least their wishes can be heard. After all, they pay taxes, have homes, businesses, children, and futures here, and contribute to our society in a myriad of ways.

The site’s not been live long, and will remain up until Election Day, but so far, of those who have shared their opinions, 97% are between the ages of 21 and 40, 54% have been in the country between 4 and 11 years, 27% have children here and 31% own homes.

The choices Americans make in November will be felt around the globe, so another site, IfTheWorldCouldVote.com, is giving the rest of the world a chance to select their presidential choice. Of the 167,617 people from 187 countries that have voted so far, 87.3% picked Obama.

Seems like the choice for next president is a no-brainer for the rest of the world –– what puzzles most of the planet is why the poll numbers are so close here at home. Answers on a postcard please, or in the comments section below.

This week was an epic week for Asshole Fuckfacery. So much so that I actually became enraged when I wrote this. Seriously. What horrible, horrible people. The last one is particularly horrible. So, put on your favorite OshKosh B'Gosh overalls and get ready for the filth. This is going to be ugly.

First up, some Oregon Asshole Fuckfacery.

It seems a week doesn’t go by where I don’t point out some Oregon racism. Wait. What? Yes, some Asshole Fuckface racist in Oregon made himself known by hanging an effigy of Barack Obama on George Fox University.

Naturally, the Christians were quite upset.

Um. Have you talked to any of your fellow Christians lately? The ones in the south have a big hard on for torture.

Oh, Jesus. Have you not noticed Obama is black? It’s not political. They just picked the country’s #1 black guy. How naïve are you guys up there?

Hey, there’s a surprise. Keep on supporting those Christian values of war, torture, less civil rights, global warming, lying and cronyism.

Next up, PETA. Need I say more?

Holy shit, the people involved in PETA take Asshole Fuckfacery to a new level. Do you like ice cream? Would you like all ice cream to be made from ladies breast milk? PETA would.

PETA, I’d like to introduce you to logistics. I’d also like to introduce you to creepy, although, I think you guys have already met.

Yeah. Now close your eyes and picture a herd of women in a barn being milked by a farmer.

Wow, you guys are douchebags. And you should start making ice cream out of babies.

Next up, some amazing right wing Asshole Fuckfacery.

Who to blame for the current economic crisis? The rich oligarchs who recklessly fed off the poor in a shockingly shortsighted and heinous manner? Or brown people? If you’re an Asshole Fuckface, you gotta go with brown people.

The National Review’s Asshole Fuckface extraordinaire, Mark Krikorian, wrote a delightful piece called “Cause and Effect.” In it, he lay the blame where it belongs: With Hispanics.

That’s the “Cause” part. The “Effect” part? Well, obviously if you hire Mexicans and other Mexican like people, your entire bank will fail. Duh. That’s why there are no banks south of the US border. It’s just guys with wads of cash on street corners.

But why stop with blaming Hispanics when there are tons of black people running around?

We really need to stop pretending like Negroes are capable of owning stuff, right, Neil? That your point, you horrible Asshole Fuckface? Minorities are to blame for the bank’s reckless loaning decisions?

Finally, the epic Asshole Fuckfacery of John McCain.

John McCain is an amazing idiot. His actions this week define reckless and he has shown he should not be allowed anywhere near the white house – even as a gardener. To sum up what happened:

The Senate Democrats, Senate Republicans, House Democrats, and Treasury Secretary Paulson spent all week negotiating over a bill to solve the current crisis. On Thursday morning, Senate Democrats and Senate Republicans announced that they had agreed on key points. Then McCain decided he wanted in. He asked President Bush to call a meeting with Obama. Obama did not see the need for it, but attended anyway. The meeting accomplished nothing. Oh, wait, that’s wrong. The meeting destroyed 7 days of careful negotiation. He had no plan. He did not come with better ideas. He just wanted to stop what was happening, so he would appear relevant.

The White House meeting was a complete and total disaster.

McCain did not ask questions during the meeting, he did not do anything, but mumble some bullshit at the end.

And when he finally did…gobbly goo.

The Senator is so disliked by his fellow Senators that he had to join with a group of House Republican fanatics. And make no mistake about it, John McCain has hitched his wagon to complete and total lunatics.

They want less regulation and tax cuts. You know, like curing an alcoholic by giving him a case of Glenlivit. They are insane ideologues who threaten our way of life because of their own self interest.

You know the parents you read about every once in a while, who wouldn’t let their child see a doctor because they believe in prayer – and the child died? That’s what we are talking about when we discuss the people McCain has attached himself to during this financial crisis.

No, actually, I don't.

McCain just jumped to the #1 Asshole Fuckface of all time.

Did you know that a significant portion of our energy consumption is wasted by people leaving their chargers plugged into an outlet when they are not in use? Unplug that shit when you're not using it, you Asshole Fuckface.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Did you think the presidential campaign had gotten ugly? Well, you were wrong. Forget McCain’s lie laced ads claiming Obama wants to teach kindergartners how to screw and accusing Obama of calling Sarah Palin a pig, the Swiftboaters are preparing their airwave assault and it will be beyond ugly.

We got a hint of the future during the Republican National Convention, when GOP hatchet man Roger Stone explained to TPM what he was going to do.



Roger Stone was one of the men responsible for the famous Willie Horton ad during the 1992 presidential campaign. And when he attacks, he attacks with everything.

So, that will be exciting. And he’s not alone. The Swiftboaters are back, this time with a brand new name, The American Issues Project. They’ve gathered a few million dollars and are now finishing up their ads. Very soon they will begin hitting the airwaves.

Here’s an example of their “issues and express advocacy.”



Man, if that isn't an important issue, I don't know what is. Especially for those Americans who are incredibly stupid.

Unfortunately for Democrats, they don’t have anyone ready to respond, because Obama foolishly asked the left’s 527 groups to step down after he won the nomination. He also told funders not to give money to groups like VoteVets, Planned Parenthood and MoveOn.org. But just a week ago, Obama realized what a tremendous mistake he had made and asked the 527s to get going again. With only 6 weeks to go, that is just stupid.

But some Democratic groups claim they are ready, like MoveOn.org.

I’ll believe it when I see it. So far, the Democratic groups are flailing.

A tidal wave of stupidity and hate is coming Obama’s way and the left does not seem to be prepared. The Obama campaign did fight the first American Issues Project with a coordinated campaign, putting pressure on station owners not to air the ad and fighting the group in court. But how long with that work? Small television stations make much of their money during political campaigns. That’s just too much money to pass on.

And we are within 60 days of the election, which is apparently the best time for evil.

The forces of darkness been gearing up for the last 60 campaign days for months now, with the help of some classic douchebags.

Has Obama ever dated a white woman? You’re about to find out.

For a man who spent five years in a POW prison, McCain sure is a relentless pussy. He’s having a big boo hoo party over America’s questioning of his moronic VP pick, Sarah Palin. Apparently, if you pick on poor, little Sarah, you are being a sexist. Never mind that she is supremely unqualified to be president of the United States, any criticism is all about her having a vagina.

The mighty Republican Party, longtime defenders of women’s rights, are now hitting the airwaves claiming the only reason people are attacking Sarah Palin is because she is a woman. Please ignore the Troopergate scandal, the fact that she is married to a traitor and was at one time a traitor herself, lied about visiting Ireland, didn’t travel out of the country until two years ago, belongs to an insanely backwards church, thinks 11-year-olds who were raped by their father should be forced to give birth, used government money to fund a “cure gays” organization, tried to ban books, abused her power by firing people who opposed her views or divorced her sister, believes Iraq is a war being fought for God, and has a preacher who claimed voting for John Kerry would send you to hell. None of those things are relevant for baby time McCain. If you criticize Sarah Palin, it’s because she’s a woman with a pregnant daughter.

See, the pregnant daughter situation is off limits. You can tell that from this video of John McCain greeting the father and mother of the fetus in Minnesota.



That’s what one does when they want such a private situation to stay private; they bring reporters to take photos of the guy who shot his goo into the 17-year-old girl. Also, when one doesn’t want anyone to talk about the pregnancy situation, they come out to the media and break the story of their own daughter’s unwed pregnancy. Parading said couple around at the Republican National Convention? Totally cool. After all, it is a private situation. That’s why the soon-to-be husband of the 17-year-old daughter has been hastily flown in to be paraded around– because they need their privacy. Remember, if you bring this up, you are being sexist.

See, playing the “gender card” is totally cool, as opposed to when Obama supporters claimed McCain was playing the “race card” after he created ads that had obvious racial overtones. That was different. I guess because Obama has a penis and black skin, while Palin has a vagina and white skin. If anybody dared say that McCain’s ads were racist, he and his people screamed that Obama was playing the “race card.” It was soooo offensive. But now, when anyone dares to question Palin’s obvious lack of qualifications and bizarre beliefs, they are sexist. McCain is a weak, clownish pussy who can’t stand up and take any sort of heat.

But the most amusing part of this story is that Obama has gone out of his way to say “families are off limits.” Most Democrats are avoiding the topic of her pregnancy and trying to talk about the multitude of other problems with Palin. She’s a walking disaster, so it’s not difficult. But whenever someone brings up just one of the multitude of problems with Palin, the McCain camp screams like children that Democrats and the “liberal media” are attacking Palin’s “private life” because she is “a woman.” It’s laughable and quite sickening. The Republicans are using a 17-year-old girls horrible situation for their own political advantage. They are now driving the story of the girl’s pregnancy, using her as bait and creating a victim story of their own making.

The victim here is a young unwed couple who were outed by Republicans and are now being used in the biggest game on Earth. McCain and his people are complete and total scum.

And insane hypocrites. Right-wingers jumped out of their panties when Jamie Lynn Spears announced she was pregnant. That was a glaring example of our societies decay, but Bristol Palin’s pregnancy is a celebration of the pro-life cause and should not be discussed for any reason. Certainly not because her mother is using her as a pawn as she attempts to win the vice presidency.

John McCain is a coward. Real men stand up and defend the choices they have made; they don’t make excuses and use children in horrible situations as pawns to fulfill their ambitious desires. Real men also don’t play the gender card and make claims that certain topics should be off limits, when they are guilty of far worse behavior.

See, that’s sexism, McCain. Attacking a teenage girl for her looks. What a fucking coward. Oh, and real men don’t make jokes about women loving rape.



He’s a scumbag, pure and simple. And he’s weak. Weak for allowing the religious lunatics of his party to make his vice presidential choice for him.

Bending over for those he used to fight against.

But I guess that’s why he spent five years in a POW camp, suffering inhumanly for five years, so someday he could run for president and not stand by his convictions. Any real man who goes through a horrifying experience comes to understand that life is about not doing what you feel is right and allowing others to make your most important decisions. It's true. Torture apparently just makes one a groveling bitch for the religious right. At this point, I am more disgusted by McCain because he was a POW. What man doesn’t walk away from something like that with some personal conviction? What man doesn’t walk away from 5 years of torture and say, “I’m going to live my life the way I want.” A man like John McCain, I guess. Full of ambition and weak to the core.

There’s your teenage-girl attacking, rape joke making, using teenage girls as a pawn war hero. Feel the pride, Republicans.

I should also ad that I was not going to vote for McCain or Obama, but McCain's choice of Palin as VP has forced me to rethink that decision. I will now reluctantly cast my vote for Obama. She is that frightening of a human being. Palin is a religious lunatic of the highest caliber. I see no difference between the Taliban and Neanderthals like Palin.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper, and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

While the amazing, four-day Democratic commercial goes on, I thought this would be a good time to revisit a topic that has dropped off the grid since the spring. Remember health care? Seemed to be a big topic a few months ago, but not so much now. Now we’re clearly more concerned with who’s a bigger celebrity and how many houses Old School owns.

But 45 million Americans do not have health care and 25 million more are underinsured. McCain and Obama have very different ideas on reforming health care. I’m going to break their shit down and you’re going to read it. That’s how we do.

McCain’s plan is a piece of shit created in jackass land. It does NOTHING to address the problem of uninsured Americans. NOTHING. Did I make that point strong enough? I used capital letters. That is some serious shit.

Johnny’s plan is more of the same crap that already got us into this mess. It’s all about “market forces and individually purchased insurance.” Sweet. Up until now we haven't tried "market forces and individually purchased insurance." It's so fresh!

Old School’s plan mainly focuses on….taxes. What a big surprise.

Oooooo. That sounds fucking awesome. Unless, of course, you are like the millions of Americans who can’t get insurance due to your medical history, or one of the millions of Americans who have claims denied and are dropped because they had the gall to have surgery. But don’t worry about that, because McCain will solve the problems of spiraling costs with “deregulation.”

Oh, fuck yes. Please, more deregulation. It has worked out so very well in every other market over the past ten years, especially energy and housing. Old School’s plan would allow insurers to sell across state lines and people would be able to buy policies from companies in any state. Wow, that should not make even the slightest difference.

McCain also believes by making insurance more “visible,” people will seek out lower cost insurance plans. Johnny thinks if workers can see how much their employers are paying, they would go for the cheaper insurance.

Yeah, good luck with that. In the end, McCain’s plan doesn’t do shit for people who can’t afford insurance. Most uninsured people would remain uninsured and the fixed tax credit would lead to a gap in affordability as health care spending increases. And the number of Americans paying higher taxes for employer insurance would go up, too. McCain’s plan would force many people to purchase higher deductible, less comprehensive insurance. Oh, and if we got rid of the tax benefits of employer sponsored insurance, some businesses would stop insuring workers. How great does that sound?

But don’t fret, because McCain has proposed a “guaranteed access plan.”

Oh, good. The castaways. Only, McCain’s plan has no way to pay for this part. It’s quite simply, bullshit. His interstate insurance market plan would actually weaken some states regulated protections. Oh, and those “34 states” plans already have high costs and limited benefits.

McCain basically is offering very little. It’s more of the same, which is unacceptable considering the situation we currently find ourselves in. If McCain is elected, expect our health care situation to get a lot worse.

Now, Obama at least seems to be trying, though he is also a bit deluded. Barack wants to spend money. Lots and lots of money. His plan includes an employer mandate, insurance regulation and a combination of public and private insurance.

Under Obama, employers will have to offer employees insurance or pay a tax. Smaller business would not have to pay a tax.

Best of all, insurers would not be able to deny coverage or charge more for preexisting conditions. His new "insurance exchange" would provide a pooling system, which would increase the purchasing power of individuals. Obama believes by pooling people together, it will cut administrative expenses and increase competition. Good luck with that.

And the attempts to cut costs don’t end there. While McCain has proposed little to nothing to drop health care costs, Obama’s plan is much more thoughtful and nuanced.

A big criticism of Obama’s plan is that it does not mandate insurance for adults, just children. That means it would not cover all uninsured people, but Obama has stated he may move forward with mandates if his plan does not result in universal health care.

The big problem is the money. The cost control plans are not certain to work and he needs to come up with $50 to $65 billion. He says he will pay for it by ending tax cuts to families making over $250,000 a year, but that will not cover the whole enchilada. He expects to save a lot of money with his cost cutting measures explained above. If they don’t work, it’s going to cost more. And you can pretty much guarantee there will be problems. But we’re spending $15 billion a month in Iraq, so if you are okay with paying for the war but don’t want to pay for universal health insurance, then you are a major douchebag.

Obama’s plan is way better than McCain’s, but it’s got a lot of problems. The only guy who had a decent health care plan was Kucinich. Until you take the profit out of health care, nothing’s going to work. Ever. So, don't get too excited either way, because we are a long way off from something decent.

UPDATE: One of the architects of McCain's healthcare plan uttered this gem today...

FearTheReaper also is a blogging idiot. Read more of his tripe on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

You filthy mongrels may be surprised, but I believe Joe Biden was the best possible choice Barack Obama could have made. This is pretty simple reasoning, which is why it seems to be confusing so many Republicans. Besides Dick Cheney, who was given a spectacular amount of power by the testicle-less Bush, Vice Presidents really don’t do shit. Their most important function is to make the tie-breaking vote if the Senate is deadlocked. Other than that, not much. Sure, they go around the world, talking to people and have their own little agendas, but overall, pretty meaningless. They are just waiting for the big guy to die or for eight years to pass so they can run for president.

With that said, you may be wondering why I think Biden is an awesome choice. Well, here you go.



That's better than porn. The man’s tongue is a weapon to fear. Unleashing Biden on the campaign is like creating a non-stop, sound bite machine. He is concise, brutal and usually dead-on. You know how you always wish some politician would cut the shit and call somebody out on being a douchebag? Biden’s the guy who actually does that.



McCain is about to come face to face with an actual “straight talker,” which will contrast greatly with his time-worn mind, constant bullshit yammering and horrific speaking ability. Usually, candidates pick a knob who won’t upstage them in the talky department. Just take a look at Joe Lieberman, Al Gore and John Edwards. Yawn town. And totally ineffective on the campaign trail.

The amusing aspect of this choice is watching the Republicans get huge hard ons for all the “material” they have against Biden.

Wow, great call. Seriously, please do. Go at Fire Tongue with everything you’ve got and take the attention off Obama. Please divide the focus of your attacks and do it against the man who can wipe the shit-eating grin off your face with one comment. By the way Rush, you are a four-time divorced, millionaire drug addict who takes trips to Puerto Rico with bottles full of Viagra. Keep speaking for the common man, though. Maybe Paris Hilton can tell us what's up as well. Just thought I’d throw that in for no reason.

McCain is already running an ad in which Biden says he’d be honored to run against Grandpa McCain and compliments him. Genius. The tape is from 2004, setting up a Biden, “Well, he’s fallen off quite a bit in the past four years.” McCain is the candidate who has far to fall, as most people still don’t realize he is an old man, slowly losing his ability to think and constantly making embarrassing gaffs. Now, here comes an “old friend” who is going to make the case that McCain isn’t up to the job. And he’s going to make it well.

Only a fucking idiot would run an ad in which Fire Tongue praises McCain, because a severe verbal beat-down will follow. Severe. To have an ad with Biden praising McCain will create a false impression. People are now sitting around thinking, “Oh, Biden likes McCain.” They will then be surprised by the two months of verbal attacks McCain takes from his old buddy. It’s a dumb tactic. Now, using clips of Biden attacking Obama is smart, but you can be sure Biden can talk his way out of that.

So, what’s Biden’s voting record like? Who gives a shit. People vote for the top of the ticket. Sure, you can quote my “Fuck Joe Biden" article all you want. But that would make you one of the least understanding and dumbest motherfuckers on the planet, because those facts are all relevant for a man running for president. Guess what? Joe Biden is running for VICE PRESIDENT. See the difference? Guess who doesn’t set the agenda? He’ll have his own little projects, probably Amtrak, that he focuses on. Overall, he will have one function in the campaign -- to undermine John McCain. Who better than an old friend to do the job?

I’m sure Fire Tongue have an input on foreign policy too, because he is one of the most knowledgeable people in our country when it comes to foreign affairs. His deft ability to make complex foreign policy issues understandable will be devastating to watch during the vice presidential debate and whenever McCain opens his hate hole on the campaign trail. Oh, and he has a son going to Iraq. Someone on the ticket actually has a personal stake in the war. Imagine how that will go.

This is the best choice Obama could have made. By far.

You can read more of FearTheReaper's geniusing at his blog,
Stop All Monsters.

Remember when you thought Hillary Clinton and her supporters were done? You obviously didn’t notice her supporter's Michael Myers like qualities. While everyone else moved on to the general election campaign, Hillary’s peeps have not. They have been strongly campaigning for Hillary to get the VP nod and they are becoming increasingly angry, all over again.

At this point it looks like there is no way she will get the nod. Currently, the world’s biggest self-hating gay, Drudge, is predicting Obama will pick Senator Joe Biden today. And the rumor mill is heating up in DC after Obama sent Biden to Georgia this week. Clinton’s supporters warn choosing Obama could mean a loss in November. I mean, how’s he going to win without out the most divisive politician in America on his side? I don’t know.

They’ve been making this point since July and it is as ridiculous as their “big state” argument and their “working class voters” argument, both of which turned out to be false, according to polls.

Yes, choosing Hillary for VP and not invading Iraq are extraordinarily similar. They just can't help themselves.

Yes. And picking Hillary could turn more people off than it could pull them in. Oh, and it would energize the Republican base more than Obama fucking a boy on top of Reagan’s grave would. But please, continue to ignore those possibilities.

Either way, expect another anger explosion from the Hillary supporters. They will be confused by Obama’s stupidity, claim they will not vote for him and rage against the system. And it will carry over to the Democratic Convention, August 25th-28th. The hardcore Hillary supporters are already planning exciting events for the convention.

The Denver Group, which was started by two Clinton supporters, hopes to convince everyone to pick Hillary at the convention. Their slogan is “Keeping the Democratic Party Democratic.” And they plan on doing that by getting superdelegates to overturn the choice of voters and pick Clinton. Brilliant.

And they made an ad!



Keep hanging on. There’s no way this won’t go your way if you just keep pushing.

The Denver Group is also opposed to having a “coronation” during the convention. They have been pushing for Clinton to be “nominated” during the convention and said that anything else would be a coronation for Obama. Having her name placed in nomination means delegates can vote for her as well as Obama. In the end, she is expected to then give her votes to Obama. And Obama agreed to do so last week. Basically, it’s just some petty, weird need for Hillary voters to make a statement, as if their 18 million votes weren’t already counted. Either way, I don’t think her being placed in nomination is that big of deal – unless these fuckers start making noise...

Oh, so they agreed to your demands and now your upset because they might not do what they agreed to? Really? Why are you so cranky? Does your diaper fit? Did you make a mess in it?

Wow. That’s an awesome idea. I wonder what the media will focus on? I don’t think you can do more for your party than to totally undermine your party's convention. I wonder if the press will want to broadcast what these idiots have to say?

That’s just smart. Obama is having a difficult time getting his message out because of the relentless and shockingly stupid McCain attacks, so you might as well make it hard for him focus on issues at the party's convention.

Other groups, like 18 Million Voices, are planning on celebrating Hillary’s achievement of losing. Sorry, I mean, coming in second. They plan on holding a large rally on the 26th of August.

Again, that should go awesome. Don’t expect much media coverage. Don’t expect them to pull out the angry women who say they won’t vote for Obama and make this seem far worse than it is. Don’t expect this to be the story of the convention. Don’t expect this to cause less unity in the party.

The amusing detail in this mess is Hillary’s supporters reasoning. They believe their actions will be cathartic and bring the party closer together.

Yes, nothing will bring the party together more than giving more attention to the woman who refused to give up, even after she was long dead. This is about group therapy for the Hillheads, nothing more. Some are just looking for something to be upset about. No matter what the DNC does, they will be angry.

This above statement was made before it was agreed that Clinton would be “placed in nomination.” They were angry about something that had not been decided either way yet. And they will be a vocal minority at the convention and take away from the message. Count on it. And count on Obama supporter’s angry response.

Oh, and Hillary could have put a stop to this with a few phone calls.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and comedian. You can read more of his blathering on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

For those of you who don’t know, Jon Voight penned an Op-ed for the Washington Times yesterday. I now realize why his daughter won’t speak to him. Jon Voight is clearly a fucking moron and a lunatic. It’s a delightful combination. I’d like to respond to some of the points Jon made in his opinion piece, because it’s laughably moronic.

Uh. What? How’s the whiskey intake gin blossom face?



Barack Obama did not grow up listening to any of the people you just mentioned. Not one. So, this op-ed really didn’t start well for you. Right off the bat, you’re a horrible fucking liar. But, I’ll keep reading.

Actually, “we” can say militant angry teachers do not affect “us.” I haven’t been. I actually can’t think of any one of my friends who have been. I don’t know what sort of circles you run in, Voight, but now your peeps scare me. As far as Obama running the country “in their mindset,” are you a complete moron, or what? I would enjoy just one quote from Barack Obama that would back up this claim.

Uh. I am nearly speechless. I do not know how we can exist in the same world. Maybe you have a pair of those glasses from They Live. It’s the only way I can explain your insanely distorted reality.

Hey, you threw in a “so-called”! You put it in front of “peace movement,” you clever dog. Did you go to a Rush Limbaugh training camp? That kind of shit is so weak and simple-minded that I’m surprised anyone who can operate a computer would write it. And it is “so-called,” mostly because, that’s what it is called. Do you understand, the so-called Jon Voight? You don’t get to change the name because you don’t want it to be so. And as far as blaming the peace movement for the slaughter of 2.5 million people in two countries, well, good point. You are totally right. Vietnam was going swimmingly and the initial invasion was not responsible for all those deaths. Only the end part.

Hey, I’d just like to point out here that you played a so-called gay prostitute in a movie. What did that teach our kids? Sorry, I know, that was a bit off topic, but it’s about as relevant as bringing up William Ayers. Just playing by your rules. You know, the rules of desperation.

And thank God we have an older generation of men who didn’t fight in Vietnam, but now can’t get enough of this disastrous war in Iraq. When you were 29, in 1968, you were playing a gay hustler on the streets of New York while your fellow Americans gave up their lives for a cause you now champion. How surprising and unlike your other right wing brethren. You’re a fucking coward, Johnny. A big fucking coward.

I’m a bit confused by your claim that Petraeus “prevented terrorists from establishing a base” in Iraq. You’ll have to explain it to these 56 people. Oh wait, you can’t because they are dead. Terrorists killed them yesterday. That’s a shame; you really were on to something there. Do you know who was better at keeping terrorists from “establishing a base” in Iraq? Saddam Hussein. Yeah, I know, it’s crazy, but reading history books is not wrong. You should try it, because you’re looking like an ignorant tool.

And no. You don’t get to make shit up, just because you are an actor with a face that implicates you in a nightly vodka party. If Obama had his way, America would never have been in Iraq in the first place. Also, he voted to fund for the war over and over. So, you’re completely wrong. Shiite dominated Iraq is basically now ruled by Shiite dominated Iran. It’s a big, fat fail-fail. That’s what happens when you remove the Sunni dictator in a country full of Shiites. The only people who predicted this outcome were the ones who read books.

And it’s Senator Obama, you fucking douchebag. Show some respect to a man who has accomplished something you can’t even dream of. Your attempts to belittle him by not using his proper title only show your own pettiness.

Is that because he’s been pretty much right about all that military and foreign affairs stuff and McCain has been wrong? Also, please provide evidence that Iran is making “great strides” toward getting the atomic bomb. Then give us a quote from Obama in which he takes Iran having a nuclear weapon lightly. Oh, and also please explain why the Iraqi Prime Minister is wrong for wanting a timeline for our departure. You obviously know more than the Prime Minister of Iraq, actor boy.

Yeah, I didn’t even finish that sentence. The first half is so gloriously retarded that I find no reason to continue. Your alcohol-addled brain is living in opposite land. You know that show Sliders that was on the Sci-fi channel? I think you are trapped in another reality, one that is mostly filled by simpletons.

Okay, wait. I’m just trying to figure this out. The Obama people are wrong for talking shit about McCain’s “greatness” and in the next paragraph, you do the exact same thing and attack a retired General. Got it.

Much like your brain, which lives in Lake Scotch.

Don’t people have to know your humanitarian work for you to be “well-known for humanitarian work?” I know his daughter hates him, but that’s about it. And I now know that Voight doesn’t care about facts, he simply hears some blathering asshole yammering and he pretends it is true. Nothing he stated in this shocking display of reality disengagement is true. Nothing.

If Voight and his kind believe Obama is a Socialist, they might want to pick up a book about Socialism. If we are going to be so loose with our descriptions, I will now call Voight what he is: A Nazi. I know, it’s crazy, but we’re just pulling scary terms out of our assholes that are not at all applicable, which make Voight a Nazi. Bummer for him.

Barack Obama decided a month or so ago to begin taking the traditional Democratic path to the White House. It involved looking as much like a Republican as possible. They do this in order to win over the independents, who are apparently all Republicans. It’s been a fantastic way to lose, as has been demonstrated by Dukakis, Gore and Kerry. Obama’s current blunder involves his FISA vote and it is going to cost him where it hurts most: His bank account.

I will not be voting for Obama. Obviously, I’ve taken a lot of crap over the past week or so for taking this stance, but I’m just tired of this shit. There is a line, and in my opinion, Obama crossed it. I’m a liberal and I’ve sat and watched this country torn apart by complete and total douchebags for the past eight years. They have rolled back law after law, taken away right after right, and we’ve been forced to sit back and hope it all ends at some point. It is now apparent Obama is not the answer.

And don’t give me the, “You’re bailing because of ONE issue” bullshit. The Constitution is not an issue; it’s the foundation of our country. Obama is, and always has been, a centrist. I have no problems with that. As a matter of fact, I was already compromising by supporting Obama. Most of my support rose from my dislike of Hillary, but I also was encouraged by his stance against lobbyists. I expected Obama to take centrist positions on many issues, but I didn’t expect him, being a Constitutional lawyer, to vote to undermine the 4th amendment. Quite a few of us are pissed and rightfully so. This is a straw that broke the camel’s back moment for me.

As the presumptive nominee, Barack could have easily rallied his fellow Democrats to stop the FISA bill. The Democrats could not afford to stand against their nominee on such a important bill. By doing so, he would have been seen as a leader, a fighter, a savior of civil liberties and raised his political capital. He could have created an enormous gulf between himself and McCain/Bush on the issue of people’s rights – something Americans have a tendency to look upon favorably. But he didn’t. He decided this was the time to prove his right-wing credentials.

We’ve been living under the most lawless president of all time; a man who lives without rules and is not held accountable by Congress for his many illegal deeds. When we handed Congress back to the Democrats in 2006, it was with the expectation that Bush would be, at the very least, reeled in. That has not occurred, as a matter of fact, and the opposite has been the result.

So, when Obama decided to vote for the FISA bill, using the old Democratic blue print for failure, I was done. I have given him money over the past few months, but no more. After watching Bush do it for years, I have zero interest in a Democratic president who is even slightly okay with the same behavior.

And I really am not interested in Lawrence Lessig explaining to me that I am being "hysterical" or Theda Skocpol telling me that I am a "whiner." Trust me, I get it. I understand that Obama will move to the center on some issues, like his “faith based initiatives” and executing child rapists. But FISA is too far. And I get the implications of my actions. McCain may win. If he does, that will be on Obama’s head for taking the traditional route of failure in the general election. It is astounding to see the same pattern of “I will show I am strong on security by taking the most insane political position, only to be called a pussy on security anyway” taken by Obama. It’s just a loser position that Democrats seem all to excited to take.

This year, Democrats have won special elections in several Republican strong hold congressional districts. In every race FISA came up and was pushed hard by Republicans. And in every race, the Democrat stood his ground and won. These were districts Bush won by huge margins. They practically lit a runway, using bonfires, showing Obama the route to take. But he went the traditional Democratic spineless route.

Obama’s big on “telling it like it is.” He’s not going to hold back – and apparently he will do the same with votes in the Senate. So, just as he can take hard stands, Obama supporters have to accept that he lost a few votes over the past couple of weeks. And a lot of money. Comes with the territory of doing what he thinks is right, I guess.

To me, shitting on the Constitution is no different than bombing Iran or making abortion illegal. It’s that big of a deal. And I’m not alone. Most people aren’t holding back their votes, like I am. Most are just holding back their money. That’s how we send a message to today’s politician that he fucked up. And it’s not a few people, from what I am reading. When I received a call asking if I would donate more, I told them why I was no longer contributing to the campaign. The staffer then read the prepared and obviously written FISA excuse speech. It was pretty obvious I was not the first guy to explain why I won’t be donating.

The hacky retort to my position is, “You may as well vote for McCain.” No. Not voting for someone is not the same as voting for his opponent. I do, however, very much believe that things need to get worse before they get better. We need to bottom out, as it were, and Republicans are the whiskey. Obviously things will not work as they are, with one party destroying the rule of law, ripping apart the economy and stripping away our rights, while the mythical opposition party does the same, while they claim to be against the whole process. I’ve never been happier to not be a member of the Democratic Party. They truly stand for nothing and the only way to right this ship is to have it collapse on itself.

I’m sort of glad Obama pulled this FISA move now. I believe this was a massive blunder by the Obama campaign. He needs his base to be “fired up” and to work for him, hitting the streets, making phone calls and donating regularly. He lost a few of those people. Quite a few. Sure, most of them will vote for him but the enthusiasm is gone. His campaign was all about enthusiasm. Now the enthusiastic ones are spending their time trying to convince people like me to vote for him, while many others are no longer enthusiastic. They should look to his new peeps, who are farther over to the right. Way farther.

Obama will probably win. The only thing that can stop him is a terrorist attack. He's up in the polls and pollsters aren't even calling people who only have cell phones, so he's probably way up. But I'm done. For now, I will give to Strange Bedfellows, the ACLU, and nobody else.

FearTheReaper still dislikes Hillary more, so shut your face. And you can read more FTR on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Sometimes the Asshole Fuckface Roundup is the worst thing that will happen to you all month. This is one of those Roundups. It is going to be a horrible experience. I am warning you to turn around now. Walk away from your computer and go outside. The events and villains I am going to expose in this article are horrible. They are beasts committing cowardly and disturbing acts; in other words, they are Asshole Fuckfaces. So, put on your plastic wrap and prepare to be saddened beyond repair.

First up, my weekly update on Republican Asshole Fuckface racism.

I expect to be writing a blurb like this every week, because Republicans think they are being funny and amusing – but that's because they only hang out with other white people. Now that Obama is the Democratic nominee, their acts are being exposed. Certainly they are confused, after all, this is the kind of shit they have been saying to their buddies for years and no one said a peep. But now suddenly, it is being pointed out as racist and horrible, which is probably causing extreme confusion. “It’s just a joke.” I’m sure they will be saying that over and over and over until November.

Texas Republicans held their convention last week and it was a doosey. Check out some of the hilarious paraphernalia one could purchase.



Weeeeeeee. Get it? The house is white, but Obama is black. Not only incredibly clever, but enlightening to boot.

But, hey, conservatives can do worse, like this Asshole Fuckface editor.

Wesley Pruden is a former editor of the Washington Times, a newspaper that is somehow less respected than the SG Newswire. He also comes from a great family. When Dwight Eisenhower sent troops to Arkansas to protect black students who were integrating into Little Rock Central High School, Wesley’s Dad yelled,

Nice. So, it’s no surprise that Wesley wrote a column this week that started with this gem.

Oh. My. God. I wish I had AIDS, so I could put it in your bottom, Wesley. Deep into your bottom. It would be a gift from a straight guy, though, which is weird. The article was, of course, about global warming. Natural transition.

I hope you enjoyed the humorous section of the Roundup, because it’s about to move into the realm of completely horrible. I’m calling it “kid’s week.” Let’s start with a dude who isn’t a good babysitter.

Meet Alan Baxter. He’s a 20-year-old dude who loves breasts – and nothing to going to stop him from seeing sweet titties, not even the young girl he was supposed to be watching.

Fuck yeah. Look, when I have to see titties, I have to see titties. Ain’t nothing keeping me away from seeing what I’ve got to see. It’s called being a man.

Like you do for a dog. That’s nice.

Like I said, he’s a man. What do you expect him to be doing? It’s not even his kid. His girlfriend gave him 20 bucks to take the kid out for dinner while she was working. Do you know how many titties you can see for 20 bucks? One, actually – but that’s not the point.

Nice. Police said the little girl was “very hungry.” No word on whether or not Baxter had an erection.

Baxter has nothing on our next Asshole Fuckface.

What does a father do when he is addicted to drugs and can’t get a prescription? Well, he drives his daughter to a hospital parking lot and then gets down to business.

Um. How’s your drug addiction going, Bobby? Seriously, that’s the worst trust exercise I’ve ever heard of.

It worked. The ankle wasn’t broken. Doctors looked at the bruising and gave her meds. It wasn’t until a month later, when the daughter told someone, that police investigated. Cisero was indicted on charges of first-degree criminal mistreatment and fourth-degree assault. That’s some serious Asshole Fuckfacery.

And yet, it gets worse. Asshole Fuckface parents were springing out of the woodwork this week.

Across the pond, a couple of English parents were making a run for Asshole Fuckface of the week. Three years ago, Sabrina Hirst, 22, had a baby. When the little girl was seven-months-old, she married Robert Hirst, 54. Up until that point, the little girl was well looked after. Then everything changed.

The Hirsts pleaded guilty this week to neglect and manslaughter. They sort of starved the girl to death.

Robert plead guilty to the lesser charge of neglect – because he works 12 to 13 hour days. Obviously, if you work a lot, your kids die.

I hope they have rape in British prisons.

Next up, some LA style Asshole Fuckface parenting.

Meet Starkeisha Brown, 24, and Krystal Matthews, 21. They are both in prison today because they are Asshole Fuckfaces of the highest caliber. Starkeisha is a mother of a five-year-old and Krystal is her girlfriend. I use the term “mother” loosely. The boy came out of her vagina, at which point the mothering ended.

On Monday, a stranger found the boy abandoned and called the police. The two women were not there because they were at The Department of Children and Family Services, where they were attempting to pass off another boy as Brown’s son. They couldn’t let authorities see her actual son, because he was tortured to the point where he is permanently disfigured.

Hey, I just threw up in my mouth. But that’s just a tiny fraction of what this child endured.

The two women couldn’t bring the boy to child services, so they left him with a stranger. Literally. A stranger. It turned out to be the best thing they ever did for the boy.

Then they took their friend's son to Family Services.

Those ladies are not going to have a good time in prison, with other women. Hopefully they suffer a long, long time. The boy is probably beyond salvation. That’s how you make psychopaths.

Amazingly, this week we actually have a worse Asshole Fuckface.

This is the worst story ever to appear in the Roundup. Holy shit, walk away now. Please. Go.

I warned you.

Sergio Casian Aguilar parked his truck on a dark California road last weekend, removed his two-year-old boy from the car and then beat the boy to death. He “shook, punched, kicked and stomped” on the boy. Sergio was obviously crazy and attacked everyone who attempted to stop the assault.

Another man also attempted to stop the assault, but was unable to do so. At least a dozen people witnessed the attack.

Local police showed up in a helicopter, landed in a nearby pasture and quickly shot Sergio to death. Sergio wouldn’t even respond to police orders to stop.

That’s the worst story, ever. Ever.

Blah.

Some kids went through hell at Camp Crystal Lake in the summer of 1979. By “hell,” I mean a crazy person named Pamela Sue Voorhees murdered them. Pamela was still smarting from the death of her son, Jason, in 1957. The kid supposedly drowned in the lake while the camp counselors were having a cabin party, enjoying pot, alcohol and each other’s genitals. Pamela then murdered a couple of the counselors and the place was shut down.

For years, she lived near the camp, watching to make sure it would never open again. See, Pamela was trying to save any innocent children from meeting the same death as her precious Jason. (He was a lunatic, by the way.) In 1979, when it appeared the camp would open again, Pamela killed seven people. She did this to save others. It’s what good people do. But eventually, Alice Hardy cut her head off with a machete. As far as the Democratic Primary is concerned, Hillary has been trying to save Democrats from the doom of nominating Obama. Thankfully, we have finally reached the point where Hillary Clinton meets her demise on the lake beach. All horrible monsters meet their doom, just ask Ghidorah.

It’s been obvious, for months, to anything with a brain in its head (including rabbits) that Hillary was finished. She lost the race some time ago, but decided to continue on in a Voorhees charge for the nomination. Now signals are coming from her campaign that the end is nigh. On Sunday night, after a small island a couple hundred miles from Florida, which is not allowed to vote in the general election and is not even a state, voted, the two candidates exchanged a phone call. Nobody knows what was said. The Obama camp claims he called to congratulate her. Right. He called to congratulate her on Puerto Rico after over 45 primary elections without a call exchanged. Uh huh.

Now, a phone call from an opponent is not much. Trust me, I’ve gotten quite a few in my life that don’t mean shit. (I'm looking at you, Ron Jeremy.) But there are other signs, like a fateful email went out on Monday night to all Clinton advance staffers.

Certainly one could say there are no more primaries, so why would she plan any events? But anyone who would say that is a dipshit. If Hillary were to continue on, she would need to make her case day after day, hour after hour, until the convention. It appears she has no plan to do so. Good.

Oh, and Hillary has asked her staffers to get the books in order.

That’s what you do when you’re wrapping it up. Next, Bill Clinton also made an interesting statement yesterday in South Dakota.

That’s a “good bye” speech. Thanks for ruining your legacy, Bill, and don’t let anything smash your asshole on the way out, or whatever that cliché is. Go back to your life on the "Fuck Jet."

Hillary has also planned an event for Tuesday night in New York. It will be the first night since the primary began that she has not held an event in a state that is voting, or will be voting. Invitations have been sent out to staffers to come to New York.

All of her top donors and fundraisers have also been invited to the event, yet her campaign continues to say it’s just a final primary party. Too bad all the donors aren't on board with that explanation.

Of course Hillary and her people continue to state that they are going to fight on until there is a nominee, just as Pamela Voorhees probably would have said she was going to keep killing – until her head was removed from her body. If Hillary doesn’t pull out on her own, the Democratic Party is sharpening the machete.

And her big political peeps are telling her to take a walk. One of her campaign’s national co-chairs, former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack, laid it out.

And superdelegates are coming out and telling Lady Voorhees to back her shit down.

Hillary may not bail on Tuesday night, but she will be gone by the end of the week. Her last chance to grab the nomination was dashed when the Democratic Party decided this weekend to give Obama more than zero Michigan delegates. Everyone knows it’s over now. That’s why her supporters are losing their fucking minds.



The most telling piece of information came yesterday morning on a conference call with the Clinton campaign and her top fundraisers.

Um. Done that.

If you live in California, go vote today. No on 98. It's very important. Very, very important. - FTR

Middle-aged women are pissed. Their great hope is going down in flames and losing to a black man, which is causing them to lose their minds. They are popping up on websites, in news interviews and on radio shows. Many of them say the same thing; they won’t vote for Barack Obama. I think their unofficial spokeswoman is Geraldine Ferraro, who this week told the New York Times she might not vote for Obama if he were the nominee.

Uh. Wait. What the fuck? Ferrero made one of the most racist comments during this primary, and now she is…Holy Fucking Shit, what is wrong with these people? Seriously, does she ever say anything that is not mind-bogglingly retarded? Nope. Not as of yesterday, anyway.

Uh, yeah. It was the “black journalists” fault that Hillary ran the worst campaign since Rudy Giuliani. Why did we ever teach those Negroes to write? By the way, Gerry, have you watched Hillary in the last six months? There wasn’t anything decent to say, period.

Mass delusion seems to have set upon this country’s almost-old ladies. They are now blaming Obama for the media’s sexist attacks against Hillary – while at the same time completely ignoring the Clinton’s heinous and repeated racist attacks on Obama.

Oh, so he should have told her to get out? Hey, He Can’t Win Sally, shut the fuck up. Is Obama supposed to just not answer a question that is asked 100 times a day? Should he have made an “I’m locking my mouth and throwing away the key” move? Sorry what you expected to happen didn’t happen. Welcome to grown-up land. You know how many times my favorite candidate has become president in my lifetime? Zero. I still have yet to turn into the world’s biggest infant. You know why Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney were pressured to drop out? Turns out it wasn’t because they are women, but because there was no way they could win. If any of these women had a legitimate excuse to not vote for Obama, I’m all ears, but what I’m hearing now is just is bitterness crammed in between stupidity.

Wait. Your Democratic candidate was beaten by another Democratic candidate, so you’re going to do what you can to make sure a Republican wins the White House? What a fucking lunatic. I can totally understand her not wanting to vote for Obama because he doesn’t represent her views. That is what you are supposed to do in a Democracy, but this goes so far beyond that. They are planning to actively fight against what they believe in to help elect someone who greatly opposes their political beliefs. And they are doing so because of a self-created fantasy that involves them being told to “shut up and get in the back of the bus.” Which is weird, because that actually makes me want to tell them to shut up and get in the back of the bus.

I used to be a daily reader of a blog called TalkLeft. It’s actually an interesting blog because a lawyer created it and the two main bloggers talk about subjects from a liberal legal viewpoint. Up until a couple of months ago, I was a daily reader. But the sight became one of the few liberal blogs that supports Clinton. (The creator is a middle aged lady - go figure.) Going to the site and reading the comments is like taking a trip into an alternate universe. It is, quite simply, mind-boggling.

Right. He might appoint Sinbad as Secretary of Defense.

I find comments that Obama should have waited his turn to be insulting. He’s supposed to wait for her? Why? Because she’s an “experienced woman?” And experienced women get to go before black guys? Does the experience part include voting the wrong way on Iraq? Because that’s one of the main reasons a lot of people aren’t supporting her. Just think how Hillary supporters would take this statement if the situation were reversed; if the black man was behind and telling the woman to wait her turn. They’d lose their fucking minds. Although, they are already losing their minds.

Well, no, no, no, no and no.

I realize I am just plucking messages off a board, but it's fun and easy -- oh, and they are examples of the mass delusion that seems to have overcome Clinton supporters. And Hillary is leading them on this path. Yesterday her campaign began this “stealing the election, count all the votes” drive. It is the most destructive path she can go down, which means she will. She is actually now running around comparing the Florida and Michigan situation to the Gore/Bush Florida 2000 election fiasco. Amazing.

The most annoying comment of all is the most often repeated comment.

Totally. I’ll tell my wife, the doctor, I can’t handle her and I need her to stop making so much money, being so successful and shut the fuck up. Part of equality means taking the good with the bad, which means accepting when people judge a female candidate on her character and policies – not her sex. It's actually a step backwards for feminism not to do so.

Some of us can actually say “no” to a candidate because we don’t believe she’d be the best president – and that actually has nothing to do with the fact that she has a vagina. I understand some people are always going to have a problem with the idea of a woman president. But guess what, some people are also always going to have a problem with a black president.

And, while we’re at it, if the reason Hillary didn’t win is because of sexism, then how is it she won the white, working class male vote in most states? Please explain. How are men holding her back by voting for her? But her followers won’t even contemplate such a thought. It’s time to rage. It’s time to scream in anger that Hillary was the right candidate but the wrong gender, and completely ignore the obvious truth that she was the right gender but the wrong candidate.

Now, I’m not denying she took her share of lumps. Chris Mathews and his insanely sexist comments come to mind. And there were articles written about what she was wearing. They were incredibly sexist. The media would never do such a thing to a man and certainly not to a candidate from South Carolina who got an expensive haircut. No way a newspaper columnist at a political conference called him a “faggot”. That kind of shit only happens to women, because the country is sexist. Political pundits definitely wouldn’t call a Governor from Massachusetts a pretty boy, would they? Perish the thought.

Obviously the reason Clinton lost is because she is a woman. I mean, Obama has less experience than Hillary. Why would anyone pick the candidate with less experience, unless they were afraid of a strong woman? That’s why America chose Obama over Edwards, Richardson, Dodd, Kucinich and Biden – because they are all women. They had more experience, but they also had vaginas. And that’s why the less experienced Kennedy beat a female named Nixon, and less qualified Carter beat Lady Ford, and inexperienced Bill Clinton beat Granny Bush.

Now we will have to wait to see if these women carry out their threats.

Succumbing to threats is always the best way to choose a candidate. They are putting their lifetime of anger into this one political campaign and if it doesn’t happen, well, then they are going to kill everybody. This is different than past inside party conflicts. This is very different than John McCain against George Bush in 2000. This shit goes deep, this is a lifetime of rage and we’ve gone past the tipping point.

We are now into the scorched Earth phase. This idea is coming from the top. Hillary and her campaign have been pushing the sexism excuse for a week. They are combining it with “election theft” by saying the DNC conspired to make sure a man won the nomination. You’ve got to wonder how many more wounds she can open and dig into before this race is over. I’m starting to yearn for the days when she was launching vicious attacks on Obama, as they were probably less damaging.

The fascinating thing about this whole mess is that if Hillary were a man, she’d be gone by now. Long gone.