I knew I had something mentally asque with me early on in life. I had to wait for soceity to label me mentally ill until after I was an alcoholic and drug addict and kicked for 30 or 90 days, I forget. At first I was kind of glad there was a name to it and a little proud to be different. There are so many damn people labeled or diagnosed "mentally ill" (especially Bipolar) that it may as well encompass everybody at some point in thier lives. Mental illness for me is like addiction. Once I think I'm better or over it for awhile, it comes and kicks my ass again. I was off hard drugs for like two years and then my dealer (who is a decent human being) just came to see how I was doing. But yeah he relectuntantly sold me some shit, and I had a nice 6 or 9 month addiction. Well I'm clean from so called hard drugs since the first of the year, and no I don't make new year's resolutions. My dealer's phone quit working and I can't reach him, so hey that's 20 or 40 bucks I save a day. The edibles I make are becoming legendary in my ghetto. But I don't do it to make money. I just need an edible when I'm getting close to having to need to be hospitalized. I give or sell really cheap extras to neighbors or one friend. I don't drink that often, but I can still be a danger to myself. A week ago I was shooting up benzodiazapines. It was very difficult to dissolve, and I was drunk and got really sick and partially blacked out. I often think I can't be trusted by others or myself. Being on disability really makes me feel like a failure. I was very happy at my job, and was the "leadperson" for my shift, making good money, full health insurance, and 401k. Gradually I couldn't work or be dependable so I had to quit because I went crazy. Oh well that's life. It will get better or worse.
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