From aes_sedai
This whole 'internet persona' thing is something I couldn't ever understand nor come to terms with. Maybe I simply project onto you, Pawel - and you adapt and worm your way into my heart like a small, wet kitten mewling outside my front door. shiverling in the rain. Of course I will take you in. But you are SO MUCH BETTER THAN ALL OF THIS. Any of you who respect Pawel for his stonkingly pathetically pretentious 'internet persona' are...fucked.
I believe in Pawel more than anyone I know - perhaps I couldn't give him everything he needed. What he really needed was the fundamental psychological transofmration afforded to people when they grow up and move away from their parents. But not him; no, Pawel wanted to stay in the womb. In fact, I believe he stayed in there for 10 months to a year. They had to coax him out. Induce labor. Pawel's serious when he said he was upset about them cutting the umbilical and not even asking.
I blame myself, a lot, for Pawel becomig this way. This fake persoanlity - shit, none of you know him. He'll put on a happy face, but we all know - he died months ago.
Plenty of things make Pawel happy and sad - Pawel was truly the most intense person I've ever known. But...WHY. Why this bullshit persona, Pawel - this is not you. And it's something you tried to hide from me. I remember finding this on my computer and your almost-concealed embarrassment that I found it. An outlet, I dunno. Finding yourself, a necessary evil. But I saw right into your soul and you are SO MUCH BETTER THAN ALL OF THIS.
Everyone recovers from a swan dive - even you. Deep into the depths of your own desperate, poorly composed, borrowed-ego-projection. Is this what you thought it would take? This emptyness, this childish fakeness? Ah, help me understand.
You could not respect yourself even less. Is this why - in the end - you just let go?
But even as you are a part of me that no-one will ever understand, you have your parts that I will never undrstand. And I guess I should accept them.
For I found you washed up on the shore, broken and defeated. I took you in, I washed you off. You stole my heart, every last beat. I don't know what to think.
And now here you are, haunting me forever, Pawel.
And you guys thought "this guy" with his everso ironic photograph - with sarcasm to match - was so cool. And if it's this kind of person he really wants to be, then so be it. But his true esssence - his soul, which burned so brightly underneath this self-imposed, jaded veneer - outshone everyone and everything.
I know.
He just needed a little more time.
I believe in Pawel more than anyone I know - perhaps I couldn't give him everything he needed. What he really needed was the fundamental psychological transofmration afforded to people when they grow up and move away from their parents. But not him; no, Pawel wanted to stay in the womb. In fact, I believe he stayed in there for 10 months to a year. They had to coax him out. Induce labor. Pawel's serious when he said he was upset about them cutting the umbilical and not even asking.
I blame myself, a lot, for Pawel becomig this way. This fake persoanlity - shit, none of you know him. He'll put on a happy face, but we all know - he died months ago.
Plenty of things make Pawel happy and sad - Pawel was truly the most intense person I've ever known. But...WHY. Why this bullshit persona, Pawel - this is not you. And it's something you tried to hide from me. I remember finding this on my computer and your almost-concealed embarrassment that I found it. An outlet, I dunno. Finding yourself, a necessary evil. But I saw right into your soul and you are SO MUCH BETTER THAN ALL OF THIS.
Everyone recovers from a swan dive - even you. Deep into the depths of your own desperate, poorly composed, borrowed-ego-projection. Is this what you thought it would take? This emptyness, this childish fakeness? Ah, help me understand.
You could not respect yourself even less. Is this why - in the end - you just let go?
But even as you are a part of me that no-one will ever understand, you have your parts that I will never undrstand. And I guess I should accept them.
For I found you washed up on the shore, broken and defeated. I took you in, I washed you off. You stole my heart, every last beat. I don't know what to think.
And now here you are, haunting me forever, Pawel.
And you guys thought "this guy" with his everso ironic photograph - with sarcasm to match - was so cool. And if it's this kind of person he really wants to be, then so be it. But his true esssence - his soul, which burned so brightly underneath this self-imposed, jaded veneer - outshone everyone and everything.
I know.
He just needed a little more time.