Good evening to you! As I write this I’m contemplating moving to a small island somewhere in the pacific away from the drudgery of modern living.
I plan to leave in 3 weeks in a small ship loaded with provisions and expect to arrive some time in March if I’ve not been sunk by some fucking sea monster or lured to my death by sirens....
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Celebrate some guy failing to blow up the government who was caught and brutally executed by being hung drawn and quartered.
celebrate by burning his effigy on huge bonfires and setting off a shit ton of fireworks. It was in 1605 but fuck it a party’s a party, and at least Guy Fawkes lent his image to a very cool mask. 💣 💥 🔥👺💂♀️
What’s your dream Halloween costume? Sexy or scary or a combination of both.
Mine would be a combination, a plague doctors costume with the butt cut out, I think plague doctors are pretty sexy but my butt is horrifying.
Monkeytable
Halloween is almost upon us and that means one thing… teens brutally murdered by brooding monstrous psychopaths hell bent on revenge against nerd ostracising cliques….oh and eating so much candy my gums bleed.
This year I will be mostly eating refined sugar from a sack, that and Cadbury’s chocolate bars melted into a a wheelbarrow, reformed as one giant block and consumed in a single...
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Good morning to you! My last blog gave useful advice on staying alive in a forest/ woodland/garden with a few trees. Today I will talk about the fundamentals of exercise.
1. Warm up - this is very important, make sure you stretch properly. I do this by hanging from a fourth floor balcony for as long as possible, make sure you don’t plummet to your...
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Good evening to you. As a survival expert I thought it my moral duty to share some of my potentially life saving techniques if you ever find yourself shitting it in a wood/forest/parkland with a few bushes.
1. Water - if in a group split up and wander from the main path, this is where you will find water. I did this and was found...
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After selling all of the previous band names i now have some new ones in stock, choose from the below and select one of my convenient payment plans:
Spatchcocked Vulva
Set upon by cyclists
Fick as Phuk
Anal Prolapse
Drugged by Pandas
Thuk Masheen
Dr Pleasure
Voluminous Pantaloons
Grapefruit Enema
Acid Haüs
Mission:Implausible
Hair by Maurice
Rats Rats Rats
Hateful Jake
Gripping Dick
The Trouser...
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When I was younger, so much younger than today… wrote some barely known musicians in the 60’s. This is my poem about growing up, I didn’t need any Help!
Written for @rubymoon as the winner of my competition (sorry I took so long, I definitely didn’t just hurriedly write it in the last few minutes)
begins
I wonder what life would be like in reverse?...
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Can you guess the lie from each of these series of 3 ‘facts’ about me?
1) I own almost 5 pairs of jeans
2) Whilst in space I became infected by an alien parasite that burst through my chest killing me instantly
3) I often walk to the shops
can you guess which one was the lie? next set:
1) whilst living in the Goondocks...
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I’m looking for a companion for the impending end of the world. They must:-
1) Be able to outrun a zombie horde
2) Able to make weapons from household items
3) Be willing to fight off marauding looters
4) Enjoy moonlit walks along secluded beaches
5) kill or be killed
6) Like cuddles in the kitchen to get things off the ground
7) Be strong...
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