into: High-speed freeway chases, witty banter, organic hallucinogens, and, of course, naked goth, punk, and emo girls.

not into: Poop games

makes me happy: Local shops for local people.

makes me sad: Orphaned puppies with leukemia who are rejected by their families because they're gay.

5 things i can't live without: My utility belt, 1-UP mushrooms, a coffin lined with the dirt of my homeland, strong nuclear force, and the One Ring

vices: Wine, women, and song, not necessarily in that order.

occupation: Freelance abortionist

current crush: I crushed her

stats: 31-0-1, with 28 knockouts; Phi Beta Kappa.

body mods: Three rings in my ears, one star above my heart, one heart on my sleeve. A skeptical sun, a pop-art dragon, some barbed wire, and the ace of spades, the ace of spaydes-uh.

heroes: Cobra Commander, Malcom Reynolds, Jack Knight, Spider Jerusalem

gets me hot: Great White's pyrotechnics.

favorite position: Anything that doesn't end with me having to make a statement to the police.

fantasy: To crush my enemies, to see them driven before me, and to hear the lamentations of their women.

sign: Capricorn

most humbling moment: Losing the California gubernatorial race to that fucking Nazi.

i lost my virginity: ... shortly after my 17th birthday, in the bed in which I was conceived, to a girl who's now dating my best friend.