so this was an interesting weekend, to say the least. and to warn you, this entry will rapidly digress to something that won't make you happy, please be warned.
had a blast on one of the forums with schoolgirl and Mavis_VonMonster, if either of you read this, thank you. honestly (and this is quite scary), that was some of the most fun I've had in a long time and one of the few times I've actually "talked" with anyone that didn't relate to work! so thank you, I laughed and smiled and felt like a person, something that has not happened in a long time.
visited family over the weekend as well. Saturday saw my Mom, my cousin and his family. it was kind of fun. I enjoy visiting my cousin and his family, since they actually listen to me (and have a clue of how to listen). they still try to make me feel like a person as well, and make me feel like someone out there actually appreciates me and cares. as I left, it did digress towards the anger my cousin still has at his father over his father's suicide (my uncle, and father-figure growing up). my cousin tomorrow gets to see where my uncle killed himself tomorrow. that could be interesting. while in some ways I want to, I'm also kind of afraid. the entire fact that, well, only my cousin and his wife actually have half a clue of how to deal with me and my emotions. there was someone, but, well, she has decided to stop talking to me due to the fact (as far as I can tell) regretting her decisions and choices. I got screwed over because of what she wanted and then decided did not want. oh well, I lose....again.
saw my dad today, tomorrow is also his birthday. that ws kind of fun. just talked about stuff. my step-mom wants to buy a Shitzu dog. in part, well, my older sister has been with someone for over 7 years, and everyone in the family is wondering if they can have a child. and me, well, I'm pretty much hopeless in the dating department. so no grandchildren for them.
watched a little "Dead LIke Me"....great TV show. quite humorous. I got the first season on DVD the other day. my way of relaxing.
but now, in thinking about stuff, and how lonely my existance is, I start to look at how I'm failing in life. sure, I can get a college degree and a job. but, well, things I've really wanted in life, I've failed at. I wanted to be an RA in college, and never got the position. I wanted to be a part of SAVAP (Sexual Assault Victims Advocacy Program), and never got accepted. kind of funny, I can get accepted into a counseling program in 2 days but not into this program. and I've always wanted to find someone to have a family with, and I've failed in that as well.
people always seem to tell me the lie "You'll find someone, you just wait and see." and "You'll have children of your own one day, you'll see." sorry, I guess I should apologize to both parents who would love grandchildren, since I'm a failure in that aspect as well. all I really wanted out of this life was a family and children of my own. I always thought I was treating people right. I've been told so many times I'm really good with kids and I'm a great listener. yet it also seems as if no one out there wants to even bother with me. and if I'm in a relationship, once a problem of ANY kind arises, no matter what it is, for being someone so special, I get tossed aside to easily.
thinking even my family is starting to realize I'm hopeless when it comes to finding someone. I no longer hear the "You'll find someone, you'll see." now, instead, I hear "I wish I knew someone to introduce you to" and "Well, not going to have any grandchildren, so we're going to get a dog." so I'm giving up on the only dream I had in life, having a family. as my step-mom said, I won't be having children, they won't have any grandchildren. the ideas of "marriage" and "family" are going to be as alien to me as Mars is. it simply won't happen.
and it makes me sad.
unfortunately, this is about the only forum I have to vent. seems that only people here and my cousin actually care to hear what I have to say. no one else out there does. no matter what I've done for them, and no matter how much people keep telling me that they'll be there for me and listen, no one does. only people here. guess that's kind of sad for life as well, huh? being someone that will listen to everyone, and have no one in their life to listen to them unless its someone they've never met.
ehh, whatever. knowing my luck, life will be a long life for me. prolong the agony and longing for something I can not have. how it always seems to work for me. on the outside looking in with no hope of being a part of the world. perhaps its better that way anyways. if I only had some way to explore and expose how I feel besides writing.
had a blast on one of the forums with schoolgirl and Mavis_VonMonster, if either of you read this, thank you. honestly (and this is quite scary), that was some of the most fun I've had in a long time and one of the few times I've actually "talked" with anyone that didn't relate to work! so thank you, I laughed and smiled and felt like a person, something that has not happened in a long time.
visited family over the weekend as well. Saturday saw my Mom, my cousin and his family. it was kind of fun. I enjoy visiting my cousin and his family, since they actually listen to me (and have a clue of how to listen). they still try to make me feel like a person as well, and make me feel like someone out there actually appreciates me and cares. as I left, it did digress towards the anger my cousin still has at his father over his father's suicide (my uncle, and father-figure growing up). my cousin tomorrow gets to see where my uncle killed himself tomorrow. that could be interesting. while in some ways I want to, I'm also kind of afraid. the entire fact that, well, only my cousin and his wife actually have half a clue of how to deal with me and my emotions. there was someone, but, well, she has decided to stop talking to me due to the fact (as far as I can tell) regretting her decisions and choices. I got screwed over because of what she wanted and then decided did not want. oh well, I lose....again.
saw my dad today, tomorrow is also his birthday. that ws kind of fun. just talked about stuff. my step-mom wants to buy a Shitzu dog. in part, well, my older sister has been with someone for over 7 years, and everyone in the family is wondering if they can have a child. and me, well, I'm pretty much hopeless in the dating department. so no grandchildren for them.
watched a little "Dead LIke Me"....great TV show. quite humorous. I got the first season on DVD the other day. my way of relaxing.
but now, in thinking about stuff, and how lonely my existance is, I start to look at how I'm failing in life. sure, I can get a college degree and a job. but, well, things I've really wanted in life, I've failed at. I wanted to be an RA in college, and never got the position. I wanted to be a part of SAVAP (Sexual Assault Victims Advocacy Program), and never got accepted. kind of funny, I can get accepted into a counseling program in 2 days but not into this program. and I've always wanted to find someone to have a family with, and I've failed in that as well.
people always seem to tell me the lie "You'll find someone, you just wait and see." and "You'll have children of your own one day, you'll see." sorry, I guess I should apologize to both parents who would love grandchildren, since I'm a failure in that aspect as well. all I really wanted out of this life was a family and children of my own. I always thought I was treating people right. I've been told so many times I'm really good with kids and I'm a great listener. yet it also seems as if no one out there wants to even bother with me. and if I'm in a relationship, once a problem of ANY kind arises, no matter what it is, for being someone so special, I get tossed aside to easily.
thinking even my family is starting to realize I'm hopeless when it comes to finding someone. I no longer hear the "You'll find someone, you'll see." now, instead, I hear "I wish I knew someone to introduce you to" and "Well, not going to have any grandchildren, so we're going to get a dog." so I'm giving up on the only dream I had in life, having a family. as my step-mom said, I won't be having children, they won't have any grandchildren. the ideas of "marriage" and "family" are going to be as alien to me as Mars is. it simply won't happen.
and it makes me sad.
unfortunately, this is about the only forum I have to vent. seems that only people here and my cousin actually care to hear what I have to say. no one else out there does. no matter what I've done for them, and no matter how much people keep telling me that they'll be there for me and listen, no one does. only people here. guess that's kind of sad for life as well, huh? being someone that will listen to everyone, and have no one in their life to listen to them unless its someone they've never met.
ehh, whatever. knowing my luck, life will be a long life for me. prolong the agony and longing for something I can not have. how it always seems to work for me. on the outside looking in with no hope of being a part of the world. perhaps its better that way anyways. if I only had some way to explore and expose how I feel besides writing.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
as for SAVAP, no idea where the name came from. why was I denied three times? the members did not think I would be a good fit. they didn't like me. plain and simple. thought I was odd and talked about myself too much. what is funny is that when I "counsel", I change. I "snap" into "counseling mode". oh well, the program has since gone defunct as well.
I do hope that answers your questions....and I hope I'm interpreting them right!
on a happier note, my supervisor also gave me his Recommendation for me for Grad School. Out of a 5-point scale (five being the highest), he gave me a "3" for leadership, and 4's and 5's for everything else. so that works out nicely!
hmmm, read other journals. might comment. but too shy in many ways as well. the joys of being EXTREMELY introverted as well as sensitive and having a lifetime of rejection and being put down! oh well, such is life, maybe its better that I never have children, so my defects don't get passed on!
so you're gonna be like a counselor in a school? if thats the case........well then maybe you gots some ideas for me.....
but thats a story for another day. i'm too tired right now.
and dont be shy! comment in my journal whenever you feel like it!!!!! got that? i will come yell at you if you dont, too....
take care for now