Have you ever stopped, looked in the mirror and asked yourself whether the actions you have taken are good and kind to you or just to others?
Have you ever been kind to yourself?
At first, where I was born, we didn't even talk about it. I learned from an early age to swallow my feelings, problems and desires, never share 'bad things' with anyone, they don't want to know.
In my home, there were a lot of fights, my parents were never truly partners, in fact they compete and attack each other all the time, and my way of dealing with this was to pretend not to be suffering and try to get around the situation in a sweet way, kind and funny, it wasn't my role, I was a child and needed support, unfortunately I didn't feel safe.
That's me little.
If I got angry or talked about my feelings I was called ungrateful, my feelings were invalidated, after all, I studied in good schools, had a good education, had no shortage of food and they said I was beautiful and intelligent despite being 'lazy'.
I accepted these attacks as truth and continued without taking care of my mental health, without allowing myself to know and understand myself, I felt increasingly alone and helpless.
Today I know how cruel that was, unfortunately I had to reach my limits to find out, I was used to rejection, I tried my best to please everyone and be accepted, I felt incapable, and I was later diagnosed with ADHD and bipolarity.
Coming from a troubled family environment and always thinking I was the wrong one, I got used to accepting toxic relationships, both in jobs and with boyfriends, I always gave a lot in exchange for nothing, which generated even more frustration, because I wasn't worthy of receiving sincere affection and love in return?
Because even though I tried so hard I wasn't kind?
I was hurt, I was hurting myself more and more, I had attempts to break away from my life, and I kept sinking into this dark and lonely hole, all I had that held me here were the animals.
I started to get more and more busy with rescues until I came across FIP and the news that without a huge amount of money I wouldn't be able to save my pets
I managed to heal them and despite the debts I have, healing them healed me in countless ways.
I didn't have the mental health to handle everything alone, I collapsed, I had burnout and an overdose of tranquilizers, I was already living alone and I no longer had access to my parents' health insurance.
I was treated by the single healthcare system (Brazilian heritage) which did not allow my parents to take me out of there without proper support and treatment, I was isolated in the psychiatric ward, unfortunately I contracted COVID without a vaccine yet, it was a chaotic phase.
But it was the beginning of the change: I resigned from my job that exploited me, I started taking sensual photos, now with the help of the psychologist and psychiatrist I learned that there is no way to help others without taking care of yourself, and that if I continued like this , my rescued animals would return to the streets, helpless as I had been until then.
In the midst of all this madness I learned to value my qualities, recognize how strong I am and most importantly:
I need my love first before I can receive love from anyone else.
All this time the love I expected others to have for me lived inside me and I didn't know it.
Today I deal with things much easier (even though I cried writing this blog), and the tip I give to everyone, in addition to therapy:
YOU ARE SOMEONE AND DESERVE TO BE RESPECTED.
Don't accept less than you offer.
With love, Kali.
Kisses, Kisses đź’‹đź’‹đź’‹
@PENNY @MISSY @LUST