guitargeek

Okay, so I wrote out this painful, difficult journal entry last night, but then I took it down because two of the smartest people I know here posted very curt, seemingly flippant responses. (In retrospect, I might have been overly sensitive.)

Then I was accused of trying to play for sympathy.

Folks, if you want to piss me off, you now know the quickest way. This is not a cry for attention. You don't even have to post a response at all. Some journals I write for my own benefit, just to get things off my chest. Sometimes I like to share, especially if you know something about me and the situation I'm talking about.

Basically it comes down to this: I finally told my mother what I honestly think for the first time in years. We were estranged for several years, and when she finally started talking to me again I've sorta clammed up because I didn't (and still don't) trust her. I've felt that she didn't deserve to know what I actually think.

Okay, for those of you who're still reading and give a fuck, here's a repost of the deleted journal entry:



Tuesday
JANUARY 2, 2007 @ 11:33 PM

Today was an extremely stressful and emotionally painful day spent with my mother.

She wanted to know why I haven't been answering her emails, so I told her.

I told her that she's freaking me out with the things she says and does and the way she justifies her decisions and actions.

I told her that I'm mad as hell for favoring my brother over me in several important financial matters: She had my truck repossessed and gave my house to my brother who then sold the house. Now she wants to give me the truck, now that the transmission is shot to shit.

I told her to just give it to my brother as well.

I told her that the money from the sale of the house would have come in very handy when I was going under in Texas.

She said that my brother doesn't talk to her anymore. I told her that looked like a bad return on her investment.

I told her that a lot of stuff had happened with me that she probably didn't know about, because she gave up the right to know anything about me beyond "nice weather we're having" when she'd split years ago and took all the furniture and food and my computer with her, all this during finals while I was trying to balance 22 hours of college plus running a guitar repair business plus playing in a band plus trying to care for her and drive her to the hospital when her myasthenia gravis got so bad she couldn't breathe. After that, she would only communicate with me through her sanctimonious prick of a headshrinker, who let me know that she had opened a file on me with Adult Protective Services. What the fuck did I do to deserve that??

She tried to blame her past actions on post traumatic stress from her father beating her and from the time her fourth husband shot his way into the house and tried to kill us both. I told her that she beat the shit out of me long before she met that guy. I pointed out her passive aggressive behavior in the past, and gave her examples.

I told her that if she started to cry, I'd leave and walk home.

It was a long, quiet ride back here...

I told her that I love her very dearly, she's my mother after all and we've had a lot of good times as well as bad.
I just have to keep her at arm's length and love her from a distance.