cotten

I just can't understand why I've not been recruited by the CIA. I mean, I'm cool, I can keep a secret. I hardly ever talk. I was raised in Texas, so I'm damn good with a gun. And I have a bonafide passion for assassinating mutha fuckas. What must I do to get these guys' attention? Send a resume with a cover letter? I just...
Read More

Hey kids, who likes conspiracy theories? Here's one. Dick Cheney orders his minions at Halliburton to blow up an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico on April 20, aka 420, to ruin this day of celebration for potheads forevermore. Why? Because as market research indicates, potheads are likely to be tree huggers and ultimately, once the smoke clears, liberals. Which are, as market research...
Read More

Last night I ripped a hole in my blue jeans on an exposed screw while running from the Po-Po. Naturally, I don't know how to sew. I'm a modern American male: I have no practical skills. So what the hell am I supposed to do? File a lawsuit against the LAPD? Yes, that's an excellent idea. Thank you for your advice. I'll let you know...
Read More

My new goal in life is to have 1 million friends on this site by the time I'm 60. And no, I haven't done the math. And I'm not going to. I just want to be the most popular loser pervert that's ever lived. That's all. By 60.

I encourage everyone here to join my Anti-Fortune Cookie Movement. We have all been lied to enough. There is no "love" or "wealth" or "happiness" on our pathetic horizons. These little sweet tasting cookies have peddled their fraudulent futures for long enough. It's time to say "No More". How many more westerners must be tricked into believing there is hope, intoxicated by a belly full...
Read More

I'm currently starring in an unscripted, non-televised reality show called "White Recluse". It's about a minimally-tattooed guy in his thirties who never leaves his room/web and spends his time viewing erotic images of tattooed women on one particular website. It's a comi-tragedy. The guy, the White Recluse, attacks and bites people who disrupt his viewing of these beautiful punk girls. In season two, the White...
Read More

You want to know what's funny, folks? As a nation, America spends billions of dollars a year on "homeland security" to prevent acts of terrorism; and as it just so happens, an astronomical amount of environmental devastation has been inflicted on our country by a corporation that was licensed and "regulated" by our own government. Now that's funny. Real fucking funny.

I went to the beach today and tendered my resignation to the Pacific Ocean. So I am no longer the liaison between the Moon and the Tides. I'm already bored. Retirement sucks.

I've decided to become a vampire. But I don't know how to do this. Is there a support group out there? An apprentice program? How much blood do I have to drink per day to maintain my vampire status? Are there blood pills for those who don't like drinking blood? Do I always have to wear leather and long over coats, or can I wear...
Read More

I've started smoking again because frankly I can't bear the thought of being out smoked by a two-year-old Indonesian baby. Have you seen this iron-lunged, staring-death-in-the-face-and-laughing child? If not, youtube it. You'll feel a newfound respect for this newest generation.

I'm already craving a single barrel bourbon and it's only 10:54, PCT. Is there something wrong with me?

In order to fight BP and other oil giants, I will no longer be using body oils during sex or oils to slick my hair back and entice ladies into having oilless sex. And no more strap-ons made of plastic, which as we all know, are made from oil. You heard it here first, a promise for a better world.