Life's "not so great side" has really taken it's toll on me finally. Right when you think life has given you the worst you could possibly see or go through, you are blindsided with something worse. BUT, I think that's what (at least it seems like it's supposed to) makes us stronger. I believe people have two choices. A.) They can learn from their situations (both good and bad, because believe me, good situations can make you into a bad person as well) and become a better person because of it, or B.) They can live their life in regret, bitterness, and just wither away from existance and sit and wonder, "why didn't I do this." Or "If I had done this, this wouldn't have happened." and I do NOT want to be one of those people.
Sometimes, looking back and trying to correct something by saying "what if" can be a good thing, but in most situations, wondering if you had done something differently doesn't really change the situation and ultimately is useless. I believe things are meant to happen for a reason, and you take them the way you feel most comfortable.
I don't believe in faith. I believe in fate. I think we only speak of "faith" when we wish to substitute emotion for evidence.
For example (to address my whole rambling) my best friend Jennifer got into a really bad motorcycle accident almost 2 years ago. Basically the short story is we met some people at a friend's party and decided to go riding on their motorcycles. We rode out to the illegal street races and she saw her ex boyfriend, and she was still young and naive, (which we both still are) so at that point, instead of just riding to ride, she got on the bike to impress him, which is about the point when I realized for the first time that doing things to impress people is really dumb. But that's besides the point. Anyways....At that point I had a yucky stomach in my feeling, and decided not to go riding. So she did (and yes, her ex sure did see her) and about an hour later, I called and found out they had got into a really bad accident. I freaked out because basically some dumbass was telling me over the phone that she was dying on the side of the road. So, the guy I was supposed to ride with got his left leg amputated (and died for about 15 minutes but was brought back to life), and Jennifer got her pelvic bone broken in half. Got her tail bone broken among MANY other nasty and very painful injurys I won't go into. For a long time she told me that she sat there and wondered, "What if"....What if she hadn't wanted to impress her ex, and didn't get on the bike? What if we didn't invite the guy that had hit them on the bikes? But then she told me she realized that wondering what if wasn't going to change the fact that it already happened. There was nothing she could do to change it, except learn from it, move on and not make that mistake again, and she is a better person for it. It was supposed to happen.
So back to my original ramble....
I, in no exaggeration or humour, will claim that I am the walking epitome of Murphy's Law. But then again, isn't everyone?
I don't really dwell or feel sorry for myself anymore when things like this happen, because in the past year, I have been given the opportunity to see things from other people's eyes - And believe me, it makes a world of difference. I have been in their shoes, and have seen other people's problems, instead of just my own. I lived a lot of my life feeling I was the only one, when in fact that's not the case AT ALL. And as BIG as my problems are to me and probably some of the people around me, others are going through the same, if not extremely worse things than I am.
I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and although I don't know the specifics of it yet, it is a pretty serious thing. (Among many other things I won't go into).
So, I am just writing to say that I'm going to be ok. At least emotionally. I have a few people that I really care about, and I am at one with myself. My life might even get worse after this, but I guess I just have to roll with it and keep my head held higher each time and show whatever or whoever is inflicting this shit on me that I will not lay down and die as easily as people think. And don't mistake my kindness for weakness, because I am FAR from weak.
I just wanted to say thanks to anyone and everyone who has supported me (especially my mom) and stuck around during all the changes I've gone through in the past year. I know you've all dealt with a lot, and it says a lot that you have made it this far with me. I'm not a perfect person, but either are you. And I have not sat on a high-horse in a long time and pointed fingers, because I myself have been one bad person. And I am fortunate enough to sit here and honestly feel and say that things have changed.
Jennifer, Mom, Vanessa, Dace, Ian, Tabatha, Lauren......I love you guys with every fiber of my heart, soul and being. Thanks for being there for me and seeing me for what I'm really worth.
* * * * * * * * * * *
P.S. I uploaded a few more pictures.
P.S.S. If I post nude pictures of myself other than applying for a website, does that take away the clasiness-factor? Please tell me it does.
Sometimes, looking back and trying to correct something by saying "what if" can be a good thing, but in most situations, wondering if you had done something differently doesn't really change the situation and ultimately is useless. I believe things are meant to happen for a reason, and you take them the way you feel most comfortable.
I don't believe in faith. I believe in fate. I think we only speak of "faith" when we wish to substitute emotion for evidence.
For example (to address my whole rambling) my best friend Jennifer got into a really bad motorcycle accident almost 2 years ago. Basically the short story is we met some people at a friend's party and decided to go riding on their motorcycles. We rode out to the illegal street races and she saw her ex boyfriend, and she was still young and naive, (which we both still are) so at that point, instead of just riding to ride, she got on the bike to impress him, which is about the point when I realized for the first time that doing things to impress people is really dumb. But that's besides the point. Anyways....At that point I had a yucky stomach in my feeling, and decided not to go riding. So she did (and yes, her ex sure did see her) and about an hour later, I called and found out they had got into a really bad accident. I freaked out because basically some dumbass was telling me over the phone that she was dying on the side of the road. So, the guy I was supposed to ride with got his left leg amputated (and died for about 15 minutes but was brought back to life), and Jennifer got her pelvic bone broken in half. Got her tail bone broken among MANY other nasty and very painful injurys I won't go into. For a long time she told me that she sat there and wondered, "What if"....What if she hadn't wanted to impress her ex, and didn't get on the bike? What if we didn't invite the guy that had hit them on the bikes? But then she told me she realized that wondering what if wasn't going to change the fact that it already happened. There was nothing she could do to change it, except learn from it, move on and not make that mistake again, and she is a better person for it. It was supposed to happen.
So back to my original ramble....
I, in no exaggeration or humour, will claim that I am the walking epitome of Murphy's Law. But then again, isn't everyone?
I don't really dwell or feel sorry for myself anymore when things like this happen, because in the past year, I have been given the opportunity to see things from other people's eyes - And believe me, it makes a world of difference. I have been in their shoes, and have seen other people's problems, instead of just my own. I lived a lot of my life feeling I was the only one, when in fact that's not the case AT ALL. And as BIG as my problems are to me and probably some of the people around me, others are going through the same, if not extremely worse things than I am.
I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and although I don't know the specifics of it yet, it is a pretty serious thing. (Among many other things I won't go into).
So, I am just writing to say that I'm going to be ok. At least emotionally. I have a few people that I really care about, and I am at one with myself. My life might even get worse after this, but I guess I just have to roll with it and keep my head held higher each time and show whatever or whoever is inflicting this shit on me that I will not lay down and die as easily as people think. And don't mistake my kindness for weakness, because I am FAR from weak.
I just wanted to say thanks to anyone and everyone who has supported me (especially my mom) and stuck around during all the changes I've gone through in the past year. I know you've all dealt with a lot, and it says a lot that you have made it this far with me. I'm not a perfect person, but either are you. And I have not sat on a high-horse in a long time and pointed fingers, because I myself have been one bad person. And I am fortunate enough to sit here and honestly feel and say that things have changed.
Jennifer, Mom, Vanessa, Dace, Ian, Tabatha, Lauren......I love you guys with every fiber of my heart, soul and being. Thanks for being there for me and seeing me for what I'm really worth.
* * * * * * * * * * *
P.S. I uploaded a few more pictures.
P.S.S. If I post nude pictures of myself other than applying for a website, does that take away the clasiness-factor? Please tell me it does.
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
mohollyweird:
heeeeeeeey, whut are you saying aboot my swim trunks?!?!? I'll have youse knowse dose are vintage 1940's!!!!
gravesforthedays:
*Twists arm* Okay, okay, it takes away the classiness-factor!
