It's strange, you know? I find myself here, staring at the blog post box thing, every time something big happens in my life, yet I tend not to update. I tell myself that no one wants to know, to read my dronings about the meager happenings of my life. Yet, I repeatedly find myself here. It's not an addiction. I feel the amount of time between my updates proves that. I'm not sure what it is.
In any case, here's a quick rundown of the last year:
My sister got married. Makes me the last one single. It was foretold to me long ago that I would be last as I was first. I never thought it would apply to marriage too.
My sister is also pregnant. Happened on the honeymoon. I'll have another niece at the beginning of the year. Seems I shall be last here as well.
My brother and his wife had a little boy. They say they're done, they wanted a girl and a boy, they have those now, so, unless life intervenes, they have their family.
My manager formally retired. He'd been out for a year for health reasons, no one really expected him to come back at his age, and he finally decided that 40 years with the company was long enough. I miss him some days, but most days I'm glad that I'm not constantly wondering what he's going to criticize next. Or what inappropriate thing he's going to say to a customer.
I was promoted to his position. 4 months later I still have mixed feelings about it. I doubt greatly that I'll last another 35 years with this company. Or even that we'll still be in business this time next year. I "get" to see further behind the scenes, and I have to say I'm a little afraid. I knew we were a small company, knew we weren't making nearly as much as the owner wanted, but I didn't know how closely cut things were. I find myself hoping that my paycheck will be in the bank when it's supposed to be. Plus the added stress of being in charge of operations...
It's strange, you know? I find myself here, staring at the blog post box thing, every time something big happens in my life, yet I tend not to update. I tell myself that no one wants to know, to read my dronings about the meager happenings of my life. Yet, I repeatedly find myself here. It's not an addiction. I feel the amount of time between my updates proves that. I'm not sure what it is.
In any case, here's a quick rundown of the last year:
My sister got married. Makes me the last one single. It was foretold to me long ago that I would be last as I was first. I never thought it would apply to marriage too.
My sister is also pregnant. Happened on the honeymoon. I'll have another niece at the beginning of the year. Seems I shall be last here as well.
My brother and his wife had a little boy. They say they're done, they wanted a girl and a boy, they have those now, so, unless life intervenes, they have their family.
My manager formally retired. He'd been out for a year for health reasons, no one really expected him to come back at his age, and he finally decided that 40 years with the company was long enough. I miss him some days, but most days I'm glad that I'm not constantly wondering what he's going to criticize next. Or what inappropriate thing he's going to say to a customer.
I was promoted to his position. 4 months later I still have mixed feelings about it. I doubt greatly that I'll last another 35 years with this company. Or even that we'll still be in business this time next year. I "get" to see further behind the scenes, and I have to say I'm a little afraid. I knew we were a small company, knew we weren't making nearly as much as the owner wanted, but I didn't know how closely cut things were. I find myself hoping that my paycheck will be in the bank when it's supposed to be. Plus the added stress of being in charge of operations over 2/3s of the state is overwhelming many days. I find myself going into shutdown mode more and more. Fortunately I've got a good crew that understand my issues, recognize the signs, know their jobs and are willing to cover me when necessary. They also tend to know the right things to say to get me going again.
I moved. I'm now living with 2 roommates who aren't related to me. I have to say it's both refreshing and scary at the same time. I need to educate them on what my disorder means. Most of the time, once someone has read my diagnosis, read the facts about my disorder, and understands some of the way I see the world, things begin to make sense to them. I am told that I can prove difficult to live with otherwise. The Routine is everything. There is a pattern that I must follow or I get lost and can't find my way out of the woods. 'least until someone leads me for a little bit, or shows me the new design.
I never thought I'd be sitting here at 32, wondering if I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. The thought terrifies me. It doesn't fit the pattern. The design. I keep trying to tell myself that it's OK. That it won't be the worst thing in the world. That I'll have my nieces and nephew. That I'm not really, truly, alone. I have friends. I have family. I have people around me. I just wish I could convince myself. Maybe it's part of the backwards way my fucked up brain sees the world. Maybe I really do need someone to be content. I don't know. Maybe I need to be medicated. I can't imagine what it would be like to live with me. I can't blame those who haven't wanted to.
I'm sorry. I really am. Even I see the above as self pity and a cry for attention. I see it as pathetic and desperate and utterly worthless. If you read it thank you. I can't see why you would have. Just the same, I love you for it.
In any case, here's a quick rundown of the last year:
My sister got married. Makes me the last one single. It was foretold to me long ago that I would be last as I was first. I never thought it would apply to marriage too.
My sister is also pregnant. Happened on the honeymoon. I'll have another niece at the beginning of the year. Seems I shall be last here as well.
My brother and his wife had a little boy. They say they're done, they wanted a girl and a boy, they have those now, so, unless life intervenes, they have their family.
My manager formally retired. He'd been out for a year for health reasons, no one really expected him to come back at his age, and he finally decided that 40 years with the company was long enough. I miss him some days, but most days I'm glad that I'm not constantly wondering what he's going to criticize next. Or what inappropriate thing he's going to say to a customer.
I was promoted to his position. 4 months later I still have mixed feelings about it. I doubt greatly that I'll last another 35 years with this company. Or even that we'll still be in business this time next year. I "get" to see further behind the scenes, and I have to say I'm a little afraid. I knew we were a small company, knew we weren't making nearly as much as the owner wanted, but I didn't know how closely cut things were. I find myself hoping that my paycheck will be in the bank when it's supposed to be. Plus the added stress of being in charge of operations...