I enjoy reading the ponderings of some of the characters on this site - some of it I find moving like the prose of Caryn, some of it haunting like Ninxy, some of it upliftingly realistic like Gyllien, flirty like Sinful Sara, constancy like Cassy, loving like Junnie, artful like Rowe, thoughtful like Lilli, logical like HeathenUK, humorous like Caffeine Monkey, caring like Aniccata. I can always find something to fit my mood.
And then there's the postings of some that disturb me - they blame EVERYTHING that's sour in their lives on their ex's, their relatives, thier co-workers, and other people here. They foster sweeping negative stereotypes - while holding themselves up to be tolerant. They "defriend" individuals that don't pay enough attention to their constant whining. Their lives are fraught with villians and conspirancies. They won't take any responsibility for their own actions and the resulting effects of those actions. They falsely accuse others and frequently lie about their past and others. Or withhold information that may injure those they are supposed to care about. They committ fraud and are poor citizens.
Which means that this little community is pretty representative of the our society at large.
So what is it that separates the first group from the second? It's that the first group practices INTEGRITY in their daily lives.
Why Live with Integrity?
It's Easier.
It may not seem like it at first blush, but living with integrity is easier than living a deceitful life. While making unethical decisions is often easier in the short term, it eventually takes its toll. There's no real happiness to be found in struggling to remember your lies, living in fear of getting caught, and not feeling like you truly earned your reward. It's empty and stressful. Living with integrity brings wholeness and peace. Your conscience can rest easy, and you can look at yourself in the mirror with pride.
It Builds Trust
A person of integrity is a person others can count on. You know they will do what they say they will do. They are promoted at work because they can be trusted with greater responsibility (Congrats! Cassy). Their spouse knows that when they says they are working late, they really are. Their friends feel comfortable opening up to them and turning to them in times of crisis. When you choose to live with integrity, all of your relationships will be healthier, stronger, and more satisfying.
It Serves as a Basis for Value Judgments
The questions given above raise some sticky issues. Every day we are faced with similar dilemmas. A commitment to live a life of integrity allows you clarity when you have to make hard choices. You wont be at war with yourself over which path to choose. Instead, you'll experience the confidence that comes with having every aspect of your life knit together in a unity of purpose.
Practicing Integrity
Living a life of integrity is a daily process thats doesn't end until your life does. Here are some ways to develop integrity:
Decide now, not later. Many individuals have not thought through their personal value system. They're not sure who they are or what they stand for, and they wait until the breaking of a crisis to make their decision. At that point, it's too late. Faced then with great pressure, you will be more prone to take the route which is easier in that moment. Decide now what you will and will not compromise on. Then, when faced with ethical choices, the decision will have already been made.
Quit the rationalizations. Theres always a million reasons to compromise your integrity. You hear them on the news every day as corporate bigwigs struggle to justify their fat bonus checks. You can always come up with justifications that seemingly make good sense and let you sleep better at night. But at the end of the day, when you place your rationalizations on a scale next to integrity, youll realize you sold out something priceless for a measly pittance. There's nothing more valuable than your good name and the ability to look at yourself in the mirror each day with a clear conscience.
Don't take the first step. When a great man falls from grace, we often wonder how he could have ever messed up so royally. The truth is that he didnt wake up one day and decide to commit an egregious blunder. It started with a little fudging here, a tiny bit of lying there. From there he just kept on sliding down the slippery slope of compromise. Don't compromise on the little things, and you won't on the bigger ones.
Don't justify the means for the end. This is probably the most popular rationalization for breaking with your integrity. In reality, the journey towards an accomplishment or decision is just as important as the destination itself. Even if you are richly rewarded at the end, if you cannot look back on the means used to get there with anything but shame, your victory will be hollow indeed.
Take personal responsibility for you life. At the heart of integrity is the ability to own up to the fact that you are in control of your life. You are responsible for both your successes and your failures. Nobody else but you. Not your ex, not your relatives, not your co-workers, or anyone else - YOU!
Living a Life of Integrity
Integrity is a value that we should strive for in all areas of your life. Here are some of the areas and situations where it should always be applied:
Integrity Within Yourself
I once read an acquaintances blog in which he wrote of running into someone at a bar and struggling to remember what story he had told her about himself. Apparently, he enjoys telling people that he meets at bars and such that he is different people-a pilot, a doctor, a soldier, etc. He said that it sometimes gets hard to remember who he told what.
While this is an extreme example, how many people do you know who act like social chameleons; they are a different personwith you, a different person at home, a different person at work, a different person when traveling, ect. Instead of being a single self, they live as multiple selves, transforming into who they think each group wants them to be. William James, the philosopher and psychologist, said that men have "as many different social selves as there are distinct groups of persons about whose opinion he cares."
Even if you aren't outright lying like my acquaintance, turning on some alternate persona in different situations can be exhausting. You end up feeling fragmented and confused as to who you really are. No relationship should require you to pretend to be someone youre not. If people don't like who you really are, why would you want to be friends with them in the first place?
The first step towards integrity is being honest with yourself. Be who are. Say what you mean. Do what you say you will do. Don't just walk the walk; talk the talk.
Integrity at Work
Put in 40 hours of work for 40 hours of pay. You're getting paid to do a job, not goof around. There are of course exceptions; you may be done with one project and have nothing to do until you get your next assignment. But if youre supposed to be working on something, you shouldn't be playing computer games.
Don't take credit for others' success. Never take someone's idea and pitch it as your own. And don't jump on a wagon at the end of a successful ride that you didn't contribute to.
Be transparent. Make your deals as transparent as possible. Don't leave out things that the other party is going to hate you for later when they figure out what they really signed.
Don't steal supplies. Yeah, the corporation you work for doesn't pay you enough. And yeah, no one is going to miss that box of paperclips. But it's still stealing.
Avoid situations where you'll have a conflict of interest. If you're caught in something that prevents you from making completely honest decisions, get out.
If your company pressures you to make unethical decisions, walk away. It's not true every person has a price; a person of integrity prizes their character above monetary security. Is it possible to make it in your career field while having true integrity? Yes, but only if you're the best at what you do. You'll always need to be a cut above those who take shortcuts to get ahead.
Integrity in Your Romantic Relationships
Be an open book. Dont keep secrets from your significant other. Even if the secrets don't affect them, if they finds out you've been keeping stuff from them, it will erode the trust between you.
Avoid emotional cheating. Having integrity in regards to physical cheating is a given. Harder is avoiding emotional cheating, a straying that seems more innocuous at first, but easily leads to the corporeal variety. If you find yourself sharing more of your thoughts and feelings with a friend or co-worker than you do with your significant other/spouse, it's time to take a big step back.
End a relationship when you know it's over. If you're dating someone and have reached the point where you know you two don't have a future together, don't keep dragging them along because you're afraid to end things. Have the balls to talk to them face to face - rather than sneaking out behind their backs. Dear John/Jane = BIG COWARD.
Integrity with your Friendships
Keep your promises. Always, always follow-through with the things you have said you will do. A person's word should be their bond. If you tell your friend that youll hang out with them, and then a hottiel you like invites you overtoo bad. You already made other plans.
Don't talk smack about other people. Saying something behind someone's back, or under cover of "friends only" that you wouldn't say to their face shows a distinct lack of integrity.
Be the vault. When friend trusts you with confidential information, lock those secrets away. Nothing erodes a friendship faster then a breach of trust in the secret department.
And when you screw up - admit it honestly. Apologize to those you've injured. Don't perpetuate the screw up. Live with compassion.
So what does integrity mean to you?
And then there's the postings of some that disturb me - they blame EVERYTHING that's sour in their lives on their ex's, their relatives, thier co-workers, and other people here. They foster sweeping negative stereotypes - while holding themselves up to be tolerant. They "defriend" individuals that don't pay enough attention to their constant whining. Their lives are fraught with villians and conspirancies. They won't take any responsibility for their own actions and the resulting effects of those actions. They falsely accuse others and frequently lie about their past and others. Or withhold information that may injure those they are supposed to care about. They committ fraud and are poor citizens.
Which means that this little community is pretty representative of the our society at large.
So what is it that separates the first group from the second? It's that the first group practices INTEGRITY in their daily lives.
Why Live with Integrity?
It's Easier.
It may not seem like it at first blush, but living with integrity is easier than living a deceitful life. While making unethical decisions is often easier in the short term, it eventually takes its toll. There's no real happiness to be found in struggling to remember your lies, living in fear of getting caught, and not feeling like you truly earned your reward. It's empty and stressful. Living with integrity brings wholeness and peace. Your conscience can rest easy, and you can look at yourself in the mirror with pride.
It Builds Trust
A person of integrity is a person others can count on. You know they will do what they say they will do. They are promoted at work because they can be trusted with greater responsibility (Congrats! Cassy). Their spouse knows that when they says they are working late, they really are. Their friends feel comfortable opening up to them and turning to them in times of crisis. When you choose to live with integrity, all of your relationships will be healthier, stronger, and more satisfying.
It Serves as a Basis for Value Judgments
The questions given above raise some sticky issues. Every day we are faced with similar dilemmas. A commitment to live a life of integrity allows you clarity when you have to make hard choices. You wont be at war with yourself over which path to choose. Instead, you'll experience the confidence that comes with having every aspect of your life knit together in a unity of purpose.
Practicing Integrity
Living a life of integrity is a daily process thats doesn't end until your life does. Here are some ways to develop integrity:
Decide now, not later. Many individuals have not thought through their personal value system. They're not sure who they are or what they stand for, and they wait until the breaking of a crisis to make their decision. At that point, it's too late. Faced then with great pressure, you will be more prone to take the route which is easier in that moment. Decide now what you will and will not compromise on. Then, when faced with ethical choices, the decision will have already been made.
Quit the rationalizations. Theres always a million reasons to compromise your integrity. You hear them on the news every day as corporate bigwigs struggle to justify their fat bonus checks. You can always come up with justifications that seemingly make good sense and let you sleep better at night. But at the end of the day, when you place your rationalizations on a scale next to integrity, youll realize you sold out something priceless for a measly pittance. There's nothing more valuable than your good name and the ability to look at yourself in the mirror each day with a clear conscience.
Don't take the first step. When a great man falls from grace, we often wonder how he could have ever messed up so royally. The truth is that he didnt wake up one day and decide to commit an egregious blunder. It started with a little fudging here, a tiny bit of lying there. From there he just kept on sliding down the slippery slope of compromise. Don't compromise on the little things, and you won't on the bigger ones.
Don't justify the means for the end. This is probably the most popular rationalization for breaking with your integrity. In reality, the journey towards an accomplishment or decision is just as important as the destination itself. Even if you are richly rewarded at the end, if you cannot look back on the means used to get there with anything but shame, your victory will be hollow indeed.
Take personal responsibility for you life. At the heart of integrity is the ability to own up to the fact that you are in control of your life. You are responsible for both your successes and your failures. Nobody else but you. Not your ex, not your relatives, not your co-workers, or anyone else - YOU!
Living a Life of Integrity
Integrity is a value that we should strive for in all areas of your life. Here are some of the areas and situations where it should always be applied:
Integrity Within Yourself
I once read an acquaintances blog in which he wrote of running into someone at a bar and struggling to remember what story he had told her about himself. Apparently, he enjoys telling people that he meets at bars and such that he is different people-a pilot, a doctor, a soldier, etc. He said that it sometimes gets hard to remember who he told what.
While this is an extreme example, how many people do you know who act like social chameleons; they are a different personwith you, a different person at home, a different person at work, a different person when traveling, ect. Instead of being a single self, they live as multiple selves, transforming into who they think each group wants them to be. William James, the philosopher and psychologist, said that men have "as many different social selves as there are distinct groups of persons about whose opinion he cares."
Even if you aren't outright lying like my acquaintance, turning on some alternate persona in different situations can be exhausting. You end up feeling fragmented and confused as to who you really are. No relationship should require you to pretend to be someone youre not. If people don't like who you really are, why would you want to be friends with them in the first place?
The first step towards integrity is being honest with yourself. Be who are. Say what you mean. Do what you say you will do. Don't just walk the walk; talk the talk.
Integrity at Work
Put in 40 hours of work for 40 hours of pay. You're getting paid to do a job, not goof around. There are of course exceptions; you may be done with one project and have nothing to do until you get your next assignment. But if youre supposed to be working on something, you shouldn't be playing computer games.
Don't take credit for others' success. Never take someone's idea and pitch it as your own. And don't jump on a wagon at the end of a successful ride that you didn't contribute to.
Be transparent. Make your deals as transparent as possible. Don't leave out things that the other party is going to hate you for later when they figure out what they really signed.
Don't steal supplies. Yeah, the corporation you work for doesn't pay you enough. And yeah, no one is going to miss that box of paperclips. But it's still stealing.
Avoid situations where you'll have a conflict of interest. If you're caught in something that prevents you from making completely honest decisions, get out.
If your company pressures you to make unethical decisions, walk away. It's not true every person has a price; a person of integrity prizes their character above monetary security. Is it possible to make it in your career field while having true integrity? Yes, but only if you're the best at what you do. You'll always need to be a cut above those who take shortcuts to get ahead.
Integrity in Your Romantic Relationships
Be an open book. Dont keep secrets from your significant other. Even if the secrets don't affect them, if they finds out you've been keeping stuff from them, it will erode the trust between you.
Avoid emotional cheating. Having integrity in regards to physical cheating is a given. Harder is avoiding emotional cheating, a straying that seems more innocuous at first, but easily leads to the corporeal variety. If you find yourself sharing more of your thoughts and feelings with a friend or co-worker than you do with your significant other/spouse, it's time to take a big step back.
End a relationship when you know it's over. If you're dating someone and have reached the point where you know you two don't have a future together, don't keep dragging them along because you're afraid to end things. Have the balls to talk to them face to face - rather than sneaking out behind their backs. Dear John/Jane = BIG COWARD.
Integrity with your Friendships
Keep your promises. Always, always follow-through with the things you have said you will do. A person's word should be their bond. If you tell your friend that youll hang out with them, and then a hottiel you like invites you overtoo bad. You already made other plans.
Don't talk smack about other people. Saying something behind someone's back, or under cover of "friends only" that you wouldn't say to their face shows a distinct lack of integrity.
Be the vault. When friend trusts you with confidential information, lock those secrets away. Nothing erodes a friendship faster then a breach of trust in the secret department.
And when you screw up - admit it honestly. Apologize to those you've injured. Don't perpetuate the screw up. Live with compassion.
So what does integrity mean to you?
VIEW 17 of 17 COMMENTS
Secondly...
What a provocative blog! For me, the most resonant assertion was about responsibility and choices. If I choose not to "make a scene" with my g/f's mother, it is not my g/f's fault, nor her mother's; to them goes the prejudice, and the injury of the mother to her child, but to me goes the frustration of the choice made---I love my g/f, and forcing the issue of what we are (queer for each other) is important to me. But fear---almost certainly justified fear---of alienation drives my g/f to argue against being honest. What cost my personal honesty with her mother; what cost to us of "playing pretend"?
An intricate knot, but one I chose to help tie. Which doesn't prevent me on a bad day---or if I'm torqued with my g/f or her mother, or my partner, or my daughters, or The Moon---swearing I'm going to end "this idiot's charade". But doing so unilaterally would be supremely selfish. She desperately wants to be a happy housewife, but has the hard luck to be queer. So I stay silent, by my own active choice.
And that, I feel, is key---that I[/] understand the compromises made, and why I made them, and what they cost me. Because the alternative is poison---the blaming of others' for choices I made. That is not to say that others' have no share---that would be an absurdity---only that the choice was mine: as Sherrillee has written, I made those first steps by choice, so that in all that comes after, of the good and the bad equally, I am a participant. The hurt at being denied is balanced---for me---with the joy of 26+ years of love.
I hope that all is well