All gone. No more engagement, my now-ex is moving to Darwin with our baby (loooooong way away, for those not familiar with Australian geography. Another state, about 5 hours flight time, if you can afford it, which I can't). I'm also pretty close to loosing my job, and with her moving out won't be able to keep up the rent on my current place. My life is completely fucked just now. Where do you go from here?

Well, looks like I spoke too soon. She went out on Wednesday, didn't come home, lied to me about where she was staying, told me she needed some time off. Was gone Thursday night as well. Told me she'd come home Friday, but changed her mind within a few hours, and instead dropped in to pack a bag and left again. When I asked when she'd be back, I was told probably tomorrow or the day after. It's now nearly 7 on Sunday... haven't heard a word from her since an sms late last night. I can only assume she's not coming home tonight either. But here I stay, the pathetic excuse of a man she has reduced me to in the last month, because I can't leave in case she comes back. I'd call or sms her, but I'm afraid she'd break up with me over the phone, thus claiming my final shred of self-worth and self respect. How the hell does one go on from here?

She keeps saying she needs space, time to think..... she's had a few weeks, and four days of that without me in her life. How much time can she need? I think she's just feeling too guilty to actually face me to break it off. I have always done my best for her and bub, and up to this minute have not stopped loving her. I'm not saying I've been perfect; I've gotten jealous, and been unreasonable about some of her friends and some of the things she does.... but that's all a two-way street. You get over it and move on, right?

In closing, I have to wonder what it is about me that makes girls do this to me. At least the last one I wasn't still in love with by that stage....

Things still seem to be going well. The waiting is driving me a bit nuts though. Thought I was going to get fired today, but didn't, so at least there's that.

Well, things got a hell of a lot more worrying during the last week. She told me straight out that she is thinking about leaving me. She told me that while she is still in love with me, she also has feelings for another guy. She may be moving states and if so I will rarely if ever get to see Anorah. Oh, and she may be pregnant to me.

Last night was good, though. A positive sign; she actually showed affection toward me without me having to prompt her. So, hopefully, things will keep moving in that direction.

Honestly, I hope she isn't pregnant. Not that I don't want another son or daughter; that's always been the plan, albeit a year or two from now was when we were going to start trying. Thing is, I don't want that to be part of her decision whether to stay or go. I want her to make that decision as free of outside influences as possible.

If things continue on as they did last night, I think we'll be okay. I love her enough to forgive the whole contemplating leaving me for another guy thing.

In the meantime, I will continue to do my best for her and Anorah. I will keep trying to take care of her (even if she's not pregnant, she's still sick), I will do my best to give her some rest from the baby when she needs it, I will keep working, this job or any other I can get (the boss ain't real happy with me at the moment, and I'm not liking my job either) to support them. That said, I have also started to do a few things for myself. Haven't really done anything I can think of that was just for me since Anorah was born, or even a little bit before. But now I'm getting back into doing weights, taking care of a few things (boring paperwork stuff) that will make my life a little easier and so on. I feel if I don't take some kind of steps to improve my own situation, that if I do get left on my own, I will have nothing going for me at all.

Still wouldn't call my self optimistic, but at least I'm less pessimistic at this stage. Plus, the whole situation has given me one or two tattoo ideas.

Well, Jess and Anorah did come back, but things are not going well at the moment, I'm afraid. As far as I can tell, she's pissed off with me because of my insecurities. I mean, she's really not feeling well at the moment, so that could explain why I seem to be being treated more as a flatmate than a fiancee at the moment, but still, I worry. The baby is really fussy at the moment - probably the horrible heat rash, or maybe she picking up on the tension between me and Jess.

I really do love her. I want to marry this girl. I want to settle down with her and Anorah so that we can have our own little family.

My last post as with regards to a trip away, which was being paid for by a friend of hers. Before she left, the departure date moved forward radically, and the trip went from 3 or 4 days to 5. I was unhappy, because I don't like the idea of either of them being away that long. And because by the time she left, the friend in question still hadn't booked the flight back.

The trip sent me nuts. No two ways about it. I was going out of my head. Every time we spoke, I asked about the flight home... and no, it hadn't been booked. The second night I was told that the trip was now going to be 8 days. By the end of the saga, it was 10.

In the meantime, I nearly lost my job. I work as a contractor for some rather unreasonable people. I work long hours for shit pay. I do enjoy my job, most of the time. But anyway, something got stolen, and I was gonna have to replace it. I could not afford to do this. Luckily, through some street contacts I have helped me get it back from the guy who swiped it, cost me next to nothing.

But since she's been back things have been really strained. For the most part, I don't want to talk about the trip; the last thing I want to do is to relive how I felt during it. Of course, that's probably what's really pissing her off - the feeling that I can't handle her going away for a while. Granted, to a place I've never been, staying with various people, only one of whom I have ever met, and she was out of phone reception most of the time.

I can't help feeling trapped by the whole situation. She tells me to share my feelings, let it out. But when we tried that, she gets pissed off at me and starts yelling.

I don't know what to do. It looks like, as a result of this trip, that there will frequently be more in the offing, and for a more worrying reason. The last thing I want to do is lose her or hurt her. I have litterally remade my entire life around Jess and Anorah. They are the best and most important thing that has ever happened to me.

For now, I'm gonna try the "man-up" approach. Even though she keeps asking me to share what I feel with her, she's not well and very irritable at the moment. Personally, I'm sure these feelings will fade with time, so I figure if I just get home each day with a smile on my face and listen to her and talk to her, I should be able to work my way out of the doghouse. Once that is done, I'm pretty sure I'll start to feel better about the whole thing.

Staying positive.

/begin whinge

Well, This is fun. Feel like I've been completely abandoned and my life is fucked as a result. Hope I'm wrong. If I'm right, and I ever decide to trust someone enough to have a relationship again, then next time round I'll trust my instincts.

/end whinge

Sorry to anyone who read this, but it had to go somewhere. Laterz.

Well, well. Fatherhood, eh? Little Anorah Leigh Davidson was born at about 2:29am on the 9th of July. A little small (just under 7lbs), but healthy. My fiancee and Anorah were released from the hospital on the following Friday night, and now we begin the interesting part - trying to manage through the early stages.

As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I never planned to have kids. Never liked them much until my brothers first appeared on the scene a little over a year ago. And whenever the topic came up, those with children of their own would always assure me "When you have your own, you'll change your mind." I figured, never happen.

When I started dating a pregnant woman, obviously I had changed my tune somewhat. I was looking forward to having a child. Still didn't believe it would change my outlook so drastically. Figured I'd be happy about it, then go on about my life, just with a few changes.

But I was wrong. I never expected to feel so overwhelmingly connected to this tiny little person. I love her so much. So, I must admit defeat on this point. And for anyone who is still sceptical, I can say to them that this sentiment, expressed by so many older parental types, is not bullshit, it is not looking back through rose-coloured glasses, but is the simple truth; It will change your life for the better, and you will feel more in love with your child than you can imagine. I can say that, with complete honesty, a week and a half of sleepless nights and dirty nappies in, that this is the best decision I have ever made.

Also, having a daughter is going to completely ruin the tough-guy image I have managed to cobble together over the past few years. In addition, it is now apparently impossible for me to discuss almost anything that doesn't have to do with the baby. I used to hate people who were like that.

...and I'm back. Turns out preparing for a child is really quite expensive, so I had to let my membership lapse for a few months.

And it has been a pretty eventful period. I am happy to say that I am now engaged to the lovely young pregnant lady mentioned in my last few posts. 11th May, 2008 is the date to remember now, at least until we get married, when the anniversary will get shifted again, no doubt.

Marriage, eh? Never thought it'd happen to me. Or at least, I figured that if it did happen, I was going to have to be dragged into it. Granted, with bub about to come out and greet the world, the actual nuptials themselves will have to wait a fair while. Always pictured myself as the twice divorced, child support paying, whisky drinking, cigarette smoking type. Possibly in a trenchcoat.

I'm kidding, of course. I couldn't pull off a trenchcoat.

Still, it may sound a bit trite, but I'm not sure I knew what love was until recently. I've had a fair few long-term relationships, and the only other one that came close to this was my first serious girlfriend. That relationship was on of those overly dramatic teenage affairs that take years to fade away, and probably caused more pain than joy at the time, but the girl involved and I are still good friends, so I still count it as a good move. But my current girlfriend - sorry, fiancee (still getting used to that one) - just makes me so happy. Granted, the relationship is not without it stresses, given the pregnancy and the state of our finances, but still, I can honestly say I cant remember ever having been this happy before.

And when I say bub is about to come out and greet the world, I do mean that. Due date is the 30th of June, and my lovely girl is already in pre-labour. I go to work every day expecting to get a call halfway through the day to get my ass down to the hospital. We're having a girl, name decided on, but will not be posted till she's born.

But we have managed to cobble together everything we can think of that we're gonna need for our newborn, bags are packed for the hospital, booking at the birthing centre has been sorted, we have decided who gets a call when labour starts, who gets one when we get to the hospital, who gets a call after the baby has been born and who gets told after mother and child are home again (you wouldn't think that it was that complicated, but it can be, given our situation with regard to family, friends, and various hangers-on).

So now, we play the waiting game.

And before anyone suggests it, I don't even own hungry hungry hippo's.

Okay, so, I'm a lucky guy, generally. This is just a natural advantage, so far as a I can tell; I lack any kind of religion or spirituality, so I doubt I'm getting help from on high. When people ask me about my luck, I usually make some flippant comment about Lady Luck liking a man with a pierced tongue.

Essentially, my life is full of coincidence, serendipity, and all that good stuff. Things often seem to happen when I most need them too. Occasionally, though, things go a little the other way.

Last night I spent with a lovely young lass, who I have been friends with for some time. She spent the night.

My most recent ex, who gave me my walking papers a month or so ago, was standing in my hallway when I got out of the shower this morning. She needed a shirt, which of course, most of her stuff still being at my place, was in my room.

I'm not sure if she saw who was there. She definitely knew someone was. I'm not even entirely certain why I care - she did, after all, recently dump me for another guy, and honestly, I wish them luck, I was tired of her shit anyway - but it just seems a bad jumping off point. I'm not certain things are going anywhere with this other young lady. I've been single only a short while, and was planning to remain so for some time. But regardless of that, we are friends, and so I care about her, and don't wish to soil her reputation nor put her out of favour with anyone else.

In short, luck was not with me this morning, and I find myself missing my luck as a toddler would miss their blanky. It comforting, familiar, and always seems to make things better... when it is around.