The future is scary and uncertain, and I admit I am as lost now as I have ever been; still, the good thing about the future is that you always look forward to it. Living in the past is for a dead person-or a person existing as if he were dead. For what awaits me in life, I'm anxious, but also really excited, for whatever it brings.

How is it that the summer can pass so quickly, and that you are not as glad about it as you thought you would be--being that summer is not your favorite time of year, with the heat and the boredom despite open-ended possibilities and expansive freedom and etc., etc.--but instead frustrated with the speed that it is falling away from you and there is so much left to do, all your plans and goals and such; the exceedingly long list of itinerary still looms large and ominous above you, and all you can do is wallow in self-pity about how fast time and the world passes you by and there is always so much to do, to accomplish, structures to ascend into the sky and monuments to erect to last forever, or really until dust and decay gets the better of them and everything else as always; still as always there is the lament, the cry, the time-worn soliloquy of life being too short and time running forever ahead of you, summer only a dream winter has elegizing spring, both a memory time has lost while you were bemoaning your fragile state and your precarious position of being alive and breathing, enjoying such a thing as summer? Really, how is that?

I know that it is highly, highly unlikely that anyone will see this, so I guess I can type whatever I want. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm like Rimbaud's Drunken Boat; adrift, listless, aimless. I don't think anything is ever going to change. I could write more, but I don't see the purpose of it.

This year has basically been a repeat of last year. It's like I'm in a Star Trek time loop. At what point and exactly how did I cause a disturbance in the space-time continuum? My life as of late has been a perpetually revolving hamster wheel, or like in one of those old Hanna-Barbara cartoons in which the same background is repeated over and over again.

Insane times. Insanity being doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Everything has condensed to a singular, flat uniformity. Everything seems the same, nothing is different. I do, however, like the blue bird that sometimes flies up to my balcony and perches on the rail. He looks around, sees me, then flies off. I'm sure it's not the same blue bird every time, but I like to think that it is. A certain regularity and reliability is comforting. My life has not descended into utter chaos, or perfect order; it has become more like a listless meandering from one event to the next. Paradoxically, I need more chaos in my life AND more order. A nice balance? Maybe. Really just more change: being open to real change and have the willingness to follow through with it. But I hate New Years' Resolutions. This time of year really grounds me and makes me recollect and reflect.

Anyway, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year. As for me personally, good riddance to 2009.

Hello, don't know what I'm doing, but maybe I'll figure it out.