Well... our Ricky just got out of the pen, and don't you know his girlfriend, you know, the one with the goiter, didn't she go and get hitched with a drifting bottlecap salesman while he was in? Our Ricky was devastated, but he says he's moving on and after he kills them both, he's going to follow his dream of running the ferris wheel at the traveling carnival.

You know if you had raised that boy with a little more sense he would be stettled down with a nice girl by now instead of off chasing this circus mumbo jumbo.
I knew little Ricky didn't have much of a shot at life when you let him go to the second grade without any pants on.
Oh well, I guess you are doing your best considering the upbringing you got...I mean with your daddy all the time hunting squirrells and making moonshine....it's a wonder you have made it as far as you have.

And oh, my bunions are springing up again. I can't remember the last time they came on this badly. It's almost as bad as the time I got sloshed on those strawberry daiquris that George used to make and danced naked on that broken glass when he was building the shed out back!

Bunions?! Oh, boy you haven't seen bunions till you've seen your Uncle Earls feet. Why last month alone he had one swell up so bad he was walking crooked for a week.
Are you still hanging out with that George fellow? I've heard tale that he's been slipping off behind that old shed behind the Petersons house....no one seems to know what he's been doing but there have been a lot of chicken disappearances lately and a lot of people think he's to blame. Now what do you think that boy is doing with live chickens behind that shed?

Did you hear about the reverend's daughter? Oh my, apparently she went and got herself impregnated by the local deaf mute amputee elephant boy! She was always a little harlot, though. I remember when I was out gardening once, I came across her and one of the Smith boys playing doctor right in front of my Virgin Mary statue! The gall of that little whore! I prayed and prayed for the Lord to strike them down on the spot, but He must be waiting for a particularly good time to take His vengeance for befouling my garden with their heathen antics.

You know all we can do is pray for their souls. Maybe some day the good Lord will smite them and people will learn from those awful sinful people.
You know the reverend isn't so holy himself....you know that cup that he sips from during sunday morning services is whiskey. Why the smell is so strong on his breath you could just pass out from talking to him after sunday meetin is over.



Oh, I almost forgot! I'm helping the Reverend organize the parish's Meatpie Festival this year, so make sure you make your favorite Meatpie recipe. We're going to have games (but no gambling!) and food and drink (but no alcohol!) and Our Joey is going to bring his Christian rock band to entertain the young'uns, but for the life of me, I can't understand why they need that new music to have a good time. It's not like there'll be any dancing anyway, i've already talked to the Reverend and he agrees, we don't want any of Satan's influences at the Meatpie Festival.

The Meatpie Festival has always been one of my favorites...but dear lord, Christian Rock n Roll?! What is this world coming to? You know those are the devils beats coming out of those so called "instruments" they are playing!
In my day all we needed was a hymnal and Sister Joyce to lead us in a few lovely praises to the Almighty One.
Speaking of Sister Joyce I think she has finally decided to go on Home...I mean the woman is 105 years old. It's time for her to get going to that great reward awaiting us holy ones.



Would you believe Maggie Dalrymple was going to let her oldest daughter sit in a dunk tank and get soaked in water? I don't know about you, but none of my 12 daughters are going to have their devil's pillows showing through wet clothing for those randy little monsters to gawk over. That's one step away from sexin', that is!


Well Miss Maggie has always been a bit of a trollap herself. Just you watch those girls will be floozies just like their mama. The apple never falls to fall from the tree i tell you.


I suppose I better be getting on with things around here.
Earl has been pestering me all day to run to the store and pick up some more tissues and lotion.
I tell you that man has the driest hands and the runniest nose of anyone I have ever met. Strange thing is both of those things seem to hit the hardest when Aunt Florence comes to visit. You suppose he has some kind of allergy to her?
Keep in touch and don't forget to bring my gravy boat when you come and see us.
May the good Lord keep you in his graces.

[Edited on Aug 24, 2005 10:22AM]