Mermaids

Recently, when in a fit of passion I thought perhaps I should pay homage to the ever great and powerful Popeye by tattoing his anchors on my own arms out of respect for his undieing greatness. Sadly I eventually came to the conlusion that I should not get my achor tattoos *weep* because ultimately it would ruin my planned sleeve work. That and people seems to think I was an unorginal dumbass and that they'd be shitty tattoos anyhow...

BUT

It got me a thinking.. now bear with me. Maybe, just maybe, if I had badass sailors tattoos (like said anchors) mermaids would want to have sex with me.

end conclusion? AWSOME

But as I explained my theory to people I was met with odd looks. "Mermaids aren't real, douche bag." "What are you some kind of fuck-tard?" Sour..

I was shattered.. not only because names hurt, but because it would seem that mermaids are in fact not real. OR ARE THEY??????????

end conclusion? I got myself to thinking again..

What if mermaids were real, just not in the way we always thought they were. You smellin' what I'm steppin' in? CHECK IT:

Theoreticaly, it's completely possible that mermaids could exist. You simply have to expand your thinking on what a mermaid is. Prime Time example: Disney's The Little Mermaid. Now in this movie Arielle, the "little mermaid" is H.O.T. HOT!! This is the first barrier we have to break down. In reality mermaides are probably uglier than Tom Arnold's fat ex-wife Rosanne Barr (primo actress by the way.. she plays her bitch self perfectly). Sour.. this is a huge let down, cause what sailor would want to fornecate with Ursila the Sea Witch (also ugly)?? Any sailor at sea for more than a week that's who!! So then let's continue. Now your probably askin yourself, "But Papows [ME], how come you don't return my phone calls?" Well the short answer is I hate you while the long answer has something to do with a plane flight to Geneva. But your probably also asking yourself "Papows, why are mermaides...

Mermaids

Recently, when in a fit of passion I thought perhaps I should pay homage to the ever great and powerful Popeye by tattoing his anchors on my own arms out of respect for his undieing greatness. Sadly I eventually came to the conlusion that I should not get my achor tattoos *weep* because ultimately it would ruin my planned sleeve work. That and people seems to think I was an unorginal dumbass and that they'd be shitty tattoos anyhow...

BUT

It got me a thinking.. now bear with me. Maybe, just maybe, if I had badass sailors tattoos (like said anchors) mermaids would want to have sex with me.

end conclusion? AWSOME

But as I explained my theory to people I was met with odd looks. "Mermaids aren't real, douche bag." "What are you some kind of fuck-tard?" Sour..

I was shattered.. not only because names hurt, but because it would seem that mermaids are in fact not real. OR ARE THEY??????????

end conclusion? I got myself to thinking again..

What if mermaids were real, just not in the way we always thought they were. You smellin' what I'm steppin' in? CHECK IT:

Theoreticaly, it's completely possible that mermaids could exist. You simply have to expand your thinking on what a mermaid is. Prime Time example: Disney's The Little Mermaid. Now in this movie Arielle, the "little mermaid" is H.O.T. HOT!! This is the first barrier we have to break down. In reality mermaides are probably uglier than Tom Arnold's fat ex-wife Rosanne Barr (primo actress by the way.. she plays her bitch self perfectly). Sour.. this is a huge let down, cause what sailor would want to fornecate with Ursila the Sea Witch (also ugly)?? Any sailor at sea for more than a week that's who!! So then let's continue. Now your probably askin yourself, "But Papows [ME], how come you don't return my phone calls?" Well the short answer is I hate you while the long answer has something to do with a plane flight to Geneva. But your probably also asking yourself "Papows, why are mermaides ugly? Explain."

CHECK IT:
Reason number 1 why mermaides are uglier than sin:
-Ever gone swimming?
-Ever sat in the tub too long?
-Ever fallen asleep sucking your thumb?
Well what happens? That's right, PRUNE HANDS. Now " prune hands" unlike "scissor hands" are not cool. Imagine have that pruney mushy disgusting skin on your whole body. Living under water you'll get all sorts of adverse skin effects. I bet those bitches are clammy as hell. Not to mention probably a little slimey to the touch. Like if you've ever touched the surface of a boats bottem? It's got that grosse kind of algae build up? You know what I'm talking about.

end conclusion? DISGUSTING FOR CUDDLING

Okay, reason 2
In "The Little Mermaid" our red headed friend in the tastful clamshell bra ensemble lives in an extravegant castle under the sea with singing crabs and a tower on the VHS cover shaped like a giant COCK. I wonder whos room that is? Anyhow this is another myth we must put to sleep, along with crippled dogs and the elderly. We have to assume that Mermaids aren't as inteligent as we our in our current state. Not a problem however, as sailors would have sex with a rock if it had an oriface. If Mermaids were of equal intelligence then by now we would have established contact. But I'd like to think they're of atleast primitive living. And where did our primitive ancestors live? In caves. Mermaids live deep down under the ocean in caves. These caves may or may not have "thingamabobs" stored in them. Allright cool, so their atleast smart enough to give themselves shelter. Maybe she couldn't hold a dinner conversation, but that's pretty solid right? Well yes and no.

CHECK IT:
First of all light doesn't penetrate through much of the ocean anyhow, but these bitches are living in caves!! Think about how pale these mother fuckers are!! Wash up on shore and get some sun on those scales, baby. Maybe put a little rouge on those cheeks. But that's actually not the worst of it. Yes, yes living in the dark makes you pale. But what kinda of adaptations have to me made to see in the dark? I mean they have to right? It's not like they could light a fire. They have cave eyes. They have big black vacant orbs for eyes. Imagine haveing 8 balls super glued to your face. Everyone knows what the steryoptypical alien looks like.. eyes like that. Sure they can see in the dark, but who wants to look in to those puppies and say I love you? Not me that's for god damn sure. It's be like looking into the abyss of your own soul and seeing your death or something. Count me OUT.

Okay next step, your either a true romntic or a desperate sailor and you've managed to get past the looks. Your hanging out with your Mermaid and having a good time. Your giving her the eye, an she's giving you the orb... TIME TO GET IT ON. So you take her back to your place to shack up. Way to go Casanova. You look into her pits of despair and run your fingers through her seaweed like hair and lean in for the kiss. -BAM- You score one, but you feel as though you've licked a cheese grater. What happened, champ? Didn't expect to take one for the team did you, tiger? What happened? BALEEN PLATES that's what happened. Mermaids live deep deep down in the ocean, much like blue whales. And much like blue whales mermaids are carnivores that filter feed tiny crustaceans (krill, copepods, etc.), plankton, and small fish from the water. They are gulpers, filter feeders that alternatively swim then gulp a mouthful of plankton or fish - they lunge into dense groups of small sea organisms (krill or tiny fish) with an open mouth. 50 to 70 throat pleats allow the throat to expand a great deal, forming a gular pouch. The water is then forced through the baleen plates hanging from the upper jaw. The baleen catches the food, acting like a sieve. So you reel back from your kiss with a bleeding tong and have to pick tiny crustaceans our of your teeth. Grosse. You quickly eliminate the possibility of a BJ despite the throat pleats and move on to pillow talk. Blue whales are the loudest animals on Earth! Their call reaches levels up to 188 decibels. This low-frequency whistle can be heard for hundreds of miles. The blue whale is louder than a jet, which reaches only 140 decibels! Human shouting is 70 decibels; sounds over 120 decibels are painful to human ears. Once again mermaids are no different. You say something like, "That was great baby, I really like the way those parasites make your eyes sparkle." You leen in to nuzzle and -POW- you get a face full of whale song that knocks you clear across the god damn room. Suddenly you long for you Jewish ex-girlfriend who used to nothing but bitch about what a failure you were. Once the stars stop spinning you look up just in time to see your new "girl" suffocate and die on your bed. *Slaps Forehead* "Oh yeah, Mermaids need water to live" You briefly consider sueing Disney for making you believe mermaids "wish they could be, out of the sea and part of our world." But then your wits come back and you remember that interview where Ben Afleck explains how to dump a dead hooker and spring to action. After you've returned the all the tools to home depot you come home you colapse from exhaustion. Suddenly you understand why it takes days to remove a beached whale. Well, you think, she wasn't at all what I thought she'd be.

Sadly the the image of what a mermaid could be, and the reality of what a mermaid is are far different. But hey, if your a sailor at sea it still beats converting to homosexuality.. OR DOES IT!!


PS: Mermaids don't have noses. HOW FRICKEN WIERD IS THAT!?