pica_pica

Good morning ANGER, You sleep ok? I heard you wrestling around with the sheets for a good part of the night, and when I woke up a couple times to look over at you, you were still just staring at the ceiling.
Well come on sleepyhead, up and at 'em... how do you take your coffee?

I finally dreamt of her. I have been surprisingly void of dreams for the last month. Always when I seem to need them the most, they don't visit.

and last nights dream wasn't much. Just a snapshot of a day that never happened. We were still together and she was getting ready to go out. She had decided to go see a gig. Alone.
(in reality, this never ever would happen. I would press for her to please go do things on her own, but nope. Always predictable, always home.)
I was, in my dream, convinced that she was going to be meeting somebody there or she wouldn't even be going.
She just looked at me and smiled a little 'i-have-a-secret' smile, suddenly relishing my reaction of uncertainty and insecurity. The more I pressed her for information on why the fuck she wanted to go see slipknot alone, the more she said nothing. I grew more and more insecure and jealous and she smiled all the harder.
Just after she got in my friends car to get a ride to the gig, I woke to a pounding heart and a tightness in my sternum.

ok, that one's easy. Maybe even just as a warning:
Dude, you have to get her out of your thoughts. That dreambased emotion that woke you up is going to be a life based emotion one of these days when she's moved on and you haven't. It's over, and this was your decision. This is what you wanted.

"THIS?" I blurt, looking around at all the gonads and strife, "This isn't what I wanted!"

No, its certainly not. Not yet, but what about this thought: She's pissed off. No really, she's really pissed off at you for dumping her. She's not dealing with it, she's not over there deeply contemplating her life and where she is coming from. She's not over there running through all the things that could possibly be at the root of this failure in us. She's not looking at herself and going 'hmm, I wonder what deep fundamental change in myself I will need to work on now, what could I have done differently in that relationship? Who had I become in that? What can I do to make some changes so that that pattern doesn't emerge again?... Jeez Louise, I really loved him so deeply,I still do and I need to discover in myself ways to communicate better, more honestly, and maybe one day we will get back together and be really happy, so deeply understanding and connected...'

No, you bonehead, she's over there going "You fucking asshole. Fuck you."

The thing that's always terrified me about her was this apparent switch she had inside. She can just turn it all off and go into robot mode. There's no way through it once it's up either. Its not a good thing, and it could perhaps be one of the things that created that void in me with her. The constant underlying fear that she is able to just snap off the love. Perhaps I couldn't give myself fully over to her due to that threat. Dunno.

Nonetheless, there is a huge possibility that that switch has been flipped. It did happen once before, a long time ago, and she went out and did some things that were deeply deeply cutting. At that time, she relished it. It only lasted a little over a week, but during that time she seemed to be in a sadistic extasy with the pain she was inflicting on me. Then, as abruptly as she had turned on that switch, it turned itself off again and she came back home. We were both devastated at that point with what she had just done. Perhaps, after a while, her more so than myself.

I just had a scenario run through my mind of two countries with a long history of co-operation. Then there were some issues with free trade, some fights over the sale of cattle, water rights, electricity, etc and the two countries decide to just lay low for a while. Lets just calm down here and think this out, they say.
So they pull their ambassadors, go into their governmental bunkers and sit down to look over all the trade agreements, and try to come up with a solution.
Finally, after a long long time of planning and consideration, the one country decides its time to send their ambassador back to the other country to get things under way again.
However, as the ambassador rounds the last corner through the mountain pass, about to walk past what used to be simply a symbolic white line on a sign at the side of the road, he runs into a heavily armoured concrete wall. 350 feet high, 80 feet thick, covered in razorwire and sniper towers. Just visible over the top of each of the battlements are the tips of thousands of nuclear weapons, all pointed north to his heartland.
He doesn't make it back with his warning.


I think it might be frugal for me to find some straw or something around here for some shitty wall.

This most likely stems from the fact that I haven't got any response from the letter. Nadda.
Now, if it was just a letter saying what I wish I could have said the day we broke up and I left it with that, I'd have to accept the fact that she is dealing with this however she chooses to deal with it, and if pretending I don't exist is her way, I may not agree with it but there's nothing I can do about it but try to accept it.

However, the last page of the letter was to do with our dog. I've had to take him to the vet 4 times in the last month for a barrage of blood tests and medication. He's 9 now, and I guess we've been pretty lucky with him thus far, but he's tested positive for a few things, and more blood tests are due. She doesn't know about this, but needs to.

So I was not about to end a possibly heartwrenching letter about our emotions with a rundown of how sick the dog is. Enough was enough for one letter kinda like how a hospital phones you and says "please come in for your results". There are just some things that you can't approach lightly, and I wasn't about to put that into the same letter. It's something I need to break to her, not throw at her.
I also said I know that she is missing him, and he is missing her. If she doesn't want to talk, perhaps we can still make a time and I can just silently hand her the leash and walk away. She can take him for walks, have for a night etc...
We got him when he was 10 weeks old, and he's OUR dog.
So I simply said that i'd taken him to the vet a few times, and there was some things that she needed to know about him. Please drop me a note in my email or something.

Still nothing.
I was talking to my best friend last night, who is unfortunately stuck in the middle of this as the only one of the three of us that actually sees us all as "online" in his MSN contacts list.
I mentioned to him that I got home from work last night, and of course as I was opening my apartment door, my eyes immediately went to the floor where a letter would be if it was slipped under.
How I instantly check my email, voicemail and contacts list.

"a friendly word of advice", he says.
"stop waiting. it's not going to happen"

I tunnelvisioned.

I've told him I don't want to put him in the position of middleman. I respect the position he's in, and he can't be relaying shit back and forth in a 'he said, she said'. As much as I want to know exactly what she's sayin, I can't do that to him.

He sounded so sure that there was no chance I'd be hearing anything though, I could deduce that the words she chose let him know in no uncertain terms that she would NOT be responding to me anytime soon in any way shape or form.

He said he understood where she was at in that.
AAAAANGER!
Holy FUCK I was suddenly SO angry. Really caught myself off guard with that reaction.

I thought he and I subscribed to the same basic tenets of personal growth, and that when life throws shit at you, you can't just hide. You have to stand up and fucking deal with it. So what if its difficult.
"I get it" I typed.
"I understand that, IF YOU'RE 20!!"
"FUCKING GROW UP!"

no offence to 20 year olds, but by the time we're in our mid thirties, I tend to believe that we have discovered new and possibly healthier ways to deal with personal relationships and emotional difficulties. At least that's my hope.

The fact that there is an innocent third party involved here, namely our dog, should result in a call to action.

The fact that I need to let her know about his state of health, and she is still sticking to her guns of absolutely zero communication is really pissing me off.
It seems incredibly selfish and immature.
That's the anger talking though.

On the other hand, perhaps this is what I need. If she is proving to me that this is the kind of person she really is, if that switch is flipped again and she's written off the dog as well,
well then maybe that's what I need to push myself away from this, maybe that's what it will take to get me to move on. Let go. I'm losing nothing.