Tracy and I were shopping at Walmart a few days ago and my stupid woman urges kicked in and I had to step on a scale that was out (we don't have one in our house for OBVIOUS reasons, people). When you gain weight, you are aware of it by other means anyway: "OMG, my pants are hard to button! My underwear are creepin up my cracks! (yes plural) WOW! My boobs sure have gotten large!" Things of that nature. BUT, you never really figure it's too big of a deal. Just eat a little less, more salad, exersice a bit and you'll be back on track, right? WRONG! The red arm on that devil of a scale kept flying and flying up toward the sky it seemed until it happily made it's home on the 130 mark!!!!!! WTF?
5 months ago I finally smoked myself into the part of the mid-life crisis, white-trash, gagging, raspy voiced woman. That's right folks, I caught myself a good, strong case of the Cronic Bronchitis! Lasted about 3 flippin months! I made a vow to myself to quit cold turkey right then and there! You all may NOT know that when you quit smoking you usually gain weight. When I was at the urgent care for my perscriptions, I weighed in at 119 lbs. Perfect for my figure, height and age. 5 months later I am a tub of lard with an awful hair color, so needless to say, I've been feeling pretty crappy.
I've got to lose some weight... and FAST! I've got wedding dress season in TWO months! (Cliche example but ironically it's really where I am at)
So let me start off by saying to all those men and women who care enough to read this for physical use or just to find a home for a new Smart Person crinkle in your brains, YOU CAN DO IT! And you can do it in a HEALTHY manner! That's right, studies show that coccaine is way to expensive and anorexia is just plain ol' stupid! So after much research and siting information, I think I have finally come up with a plan to help me and you lose some weight AND get healthy! Ok kids, now let's get out our notebooks and turn to the first page in your "STFU And Pay Attention" books:
FOODS THAT ACTUALLY
HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT:
Lean Protein:
No more burgers bitches! It's time you broadened your horizons to a little thing called SOY! Soy beans are good good good for you! Try a Boca burger and soy meats. If cooked right, it can really be delicious. This coming from a steak and potatos girl! Try coffee flavored soy milk, it's BOSS. Also, give our stinky little friend the Fish a chance won't you?
Whole Grains:
Believe it or not, whole grains help you lose weight in the body's beer keg. Even out your Heineken with some oatmeal the next morning! Or just don't drink so much damn Heieken. Either or will work!
Grapefruit (citrus fruits):
Vitamin C isn't only good for keeping those winter colds away (In your face! I live in the desert) it also burns fat! There's just as much vitamin C in fruits like grapefruit, lemons, limes and oranges as there are black-haired sad kids in hot topic. Not only that, but peeling those F*ers burns calories! WOOP!
Water:
Haha who knew? So here's the dillio, the scoop, the facts... you're body is a big useless lump of crap without water, no? And who wants to be a big useless lump of crap? Raise your hands please, so I can slap that stupid smart-ass smirk off ya faces! You NEED to be hydrated to even begin thinking about losing weight. You're body does NOT work correctly if dehydrated. Water is good for hair, nails, acne and skin too! Drink 8 glasses a day and remember that the water you drink today isn't of use for you until tomorrow, so drink up all the time so you don't lose track! Hey, another idea ... squeeze a piece of your citrus into your glass of water, that way you get the best of both worlds at once!
Green Tea:
People don't say it's good for you for no reason. Not only is it extremely scrumptious and my favorite color but it helps boost your metabolism! I myself drink Arizona Tea's Diet green tea, but I am willing to bet that the leaves in a bag is the best route to take.
Spicy Foods:
Mmm, this is the BEST one. Ever notice how when you eat something spicy you sweat? Spicy foods (and nakie men) make your heart race faster, which in turn boosts metabolism temporarily! So anyone who tries to take my pepperoncini's away from me again is going to be eating my fist! Try a little cayenne pepper and you are good to go!
LIGHT Dairy:
Yogurt is a woman's god. Not only does it cure yeasty beasty's but it also helps us get our correct figure back! Studies show that those who ate (low-fat) yogurt everyday for breakfast lost MORE weight than those who didn't eat yogurt at all. Also, any naturally white colored cheese. Try snacking on LIGHT string cheese. Also, put some oatmeal or granola in your yogurt for breakfast... Der!
Apples:
Apples contain something that I've never really heard of before until now called Pectin. Vocab word of the day! Pectin limits how much fat cells can absorb! In other words Pectin = magic. Apples are also a good source of fiber. That was my nerd moment, I'm done now.
Cinnamon:
When you have high blood sugar, your body stores MORE fat. Cinnamon can lower your blood sugar and it tastes FANTASTIC. It'll come in handy more now that the holidays are around!!!
Water Based Veggies:
Vegetables like cucumber, watermelon, and lettuce are made mostly of water, therefore you get full sooner AND obtain more High Quality H2O.
Food is NOT your enemy! In fact, it can be your little helper. So love it and friggin' eat something, will ya??
SOME THINGS TO KNOW:
*Breakfast Helps Boost Daily Metabolism, SO EAT IT.
*Eating slowly allows you the 20 minutes to relax, eat, and get full! You eat smaller portions and digest correctly. How do you think the French do it? (Tracy this one is for YOU)
*80% of weight loss is due to EXERSICE. So get off your fat ass, put some sweet beats on your IPod and dance! Dance like it's the last chance you'll ever get to move again! JUST. DANCE. haha
*Quitting smoking, having a good diet, and being healthy mentally and physically ALSO boosts your sex drive
*Speaking of sex, you lose MUCHO calories during the act. Even just kissing is an incredible way to burn calories. Start locking lips, lovebirds!
*Weight loss also has a lot to do with calorie intake. One pound of fat is made up of 3500 calories. Spend a DAY keeping track of the calories in what you normally eat, then eat 500 calories less each day. That will get you to lose ONE POUND A WEEK. Simple math. Calories are important, and so are some fats. Do some research, put on your thinking caps, and stop wallowing in self pitty and ben and jerry's mint chocolate chip cookie ice cream.
Put down your remotes and remove hands from keyboards... This is your one chance at life! Take a stand! Set some goals! You are beautiful on the inside and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be on the outside! BUT be smart, be beautiful, be happy!
Don't let all my hard work go to waste, either. If I catch you eating cotton balls, or smoking crack I WILL take my nun-chucks to your temple... you aren't using whats underneath anyway.
IPOD
RADIO
PICS
