IPOD
RADIO
And I'm grindin' til I'm tired
Cuz They say "You ain't grindin' til you tired
So I'm grindin' with my eyes wide
Looking to find
A way through the day
A light for the night
Dear Lord, done took so many of my people
I'm just wonderin' why you haven't taken my life
Like what the hell am I doing right?
My life
i don't know where i've gone and i don't know where i'm going. i am feeling more internal doubt than ever before. everything is bleak. the stiff swirls of emotions during the comedown, the realization that the euphoria isn't real, it's just your mind tricking you over and over again. i wonder why my heart doesn't just stop beating. the rhythm the pulse the inertia of the flow of blood through my veins. why isn't it coming to a halt? why doesn't my brain start to bleed and seep scarlet through my eyes. why do i keep blinking? why am i seeing what isn't real.
i am at the depths of the throws of my addiction. i can feel it. the bottom is bottomless. free falling. i just want to land, either somewhere in the soft dirt or in the fluffy clouds. i just don't want to keep falling anymore.
but maybe i can last one more day.
Cuz They say "You ain't grindin' til you tired
So I'm grindin' with my eyes wide
Looking to find
A way through the day
A light for the night
Dear Lord, done took so many of my people
I'm just wonderin' why you haven't taken my life
Like what the hell am I doing right?
My life
i don't know where i've gone and i don't know where i'm going. i am feeling more internal doubt than ever before. everything is bleak. the stiff swirls of emotions during the comedown, the realization that the euphoria isn't real, it's just your mind tricking you over and over again. i wonder why my heart doesn't just stop beating. the rhythm the pulse the inertia of the flow of blood through my veins. why isn't it coming to a halt? why doesn't my brain start to bleed and seep scarlet through my eyes. why do i keep blinking? why am i seeing what isn't real.
i am at the depths of the throws of my addiction. i can feel it. the bottom is bottomless. free falling. i just want to land, either somewhere in the soft dirt or in the fluffy clouds. i just don't want to keep falling anymore.
but maybe i can last one more day.
today has been a wonderful day. i am blessed.
i got lots done and only smoked three cigarettes. god is on my side.
he never abandoned me, i abandoned him.
love
onida
i got lots done and only smoked three cigarettes. god is on my side.
he never abandoned me, i abandoned him.
love
onida
god damnit.
i relapsed again. another set of track marks, another coin to flip over.
i had to breakup with my boyfriend because i can't stay sober with him.
school starts on thursday.
i'm going to try this again.
try, try again.
love
onida
i relapsed again. another set of track marks, another coin to flip over.
i had to breakup with my boyfriend because i can't stay sober with him.
school starts on thursday.
i'm going to try this again.
try, try again.
love
onida
man, today i've been struggling with nightmares about using and they are traumatizing me.
fucking wicked dreams.
this too shall pass, i tell myself. but everyday is exactly the same.
I believe I can see the future
Because I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
Then again, that might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around
Oh, no.
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I'm happy here
Sometimes, yeah, I still pretend
I can't remember how this got started
But I can tell you exactly how it will end.
i'm obsessed with nine inch nails.
love
onida
fucking wicked dreams.
this too shall pass, i tell myself. but everyday is exactly the same.
I believe I can see the future
Because I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
Then again, that might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around
Oh, no.
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I'm happy here
Sometimes, yeah, I still pretend
I can't remember how this got started
But I can tell you exactly how it will end.
i'm obsessed with nine inch nails.
love
onida
Early morning free write.
I'm in a really good mood, probably because I woke up early and can get a lot of stuff done today with two cups of coffee under my belt. I am just sitting here in my room, listening to NIN and writing my mom a belated birthday card.
I got a phone call last night from a kid who was in desperate need for help and wanted a way to get out of drugs. I'm supposed to meet him today and take him out to dinner and then a meeting. It made me feel like I had a purpose and that people are counting on me to stay sober. After this last slip, I am trying to figure out what I did wrong and what I can do better in order to keep from relapsing again. It seems like each time it gets worse. I found myself back in my room, shooting up until I woke up in rehab for the second time. I've been clean for almost a month now after a year and a half of sobriety. This was my worst relapse as of yet, but I am trying to grow from it.
School starts next week. I got a job up on campus as a nude model for the figure drawing classes. I am super stoked. I have three jobs now and that should help me rent a house with a couple friends by the end of first semester. It'll be good to get back in a routine and be busy.
Anyway, I'll write more later, lots of stuff to do!
Onida
I'm in a really good mood, probably because I woke up early and can get a lot of stuff done today with two cups of coffee under my belt. I am just sitting here in my room, listening to NIN and writing my mom a belated birthday card.
I got a phone call last night from a kid who was in desperate need for help and wanted a way to get out of drugs. I'm supposed to meet him today and take him out to dinner and then a meeting. It made me feel like I had a purpose and that people are counting on me to stay sober. After this last slip, I am trying to figure out what I did wrong and what I can do better in order to keep from relapsing again. It seems like each time it gets worse. I found myself back in my room, shooting up until I woke up in rehab for the second time. I've been clean for almost a month now after a year and a half of sobriety. This was my worst relapse as of yet, but I am trying to grow from it.
School starts next week. I got a job up on campus as a nude model for the figure drawing classes. I am super stoked. I have three jobs now and that should help me rent a house with a couple friends by the end of first semester. It'll be good to get back in a routine and be busy.
Anyway, I'll write more later, lots of stuff to do!
Onida
I guess I haven't been more active on Suicidegirls blog, so I'm going to make a point to write in here everyday. I got another set up on the hopeful's page, pretty excited to see what happens with it. I got my hair cut today. It's fucking crazy different and I'll get some pictures of it as soon as I can and post them up here. I want to do another set with the new 'do.
Anyway, I am doing pretty well. This weekend has been a bit rough since it was my late friend's birthday. It's just hard to accept that he is no longer tangible and that I won't be seeing him for a while. But I love you Eric, and I think about you everyday.
School is about to start in couple weeks. I am stoked to start my college experience. I'm getting back into the hang of my routine and waking up early and working everyday, ever since I've been out of rehab. I'm just trying to put all the pieces back together and put one step in front of the other, as to not lose the zest I have and had for life.
This new haircut is giving me a refreshing start to a new year. Can't wait for you guys to see it. My parents had a fit when they saw it, but they're getting used to it now.
Well, I'm going to get some stuff done and will write tomorrow! Thanks for all readers!
Onida
Anyway, I am doing pretty well. This weekend has been a bit rough since it was my late friend's birthday. It's just hard to accept that he is no longer tangible and that I won't be seeing him for a while. But I love you Eric, and I think about you everyday.
School is about to start in couple weeks. I am stoked to start my college experience. I'm getting back into the hang of my routine and waking up early and working everyday, ever since I've been out of rehab. I'm just trying to put all the pieces back together and put one step in front of the other, as to not lose the zest I have and had for life.
This new haircut is giving me a refreshing start to a new year. Can't wait for you guys to see it. My parents had a fit when they saw it, but they're getting used to it now.
Well, I'm going to get some stuff done and will write tomorrow! Thanks for all readers!
Onida
So school is almost over and summer is almost here. It's been a hell of a year. I feel like reminiscing so that is exactly what I'm going to do. I've got a pretty serious case of senioritis but I'm trying to fight it (yet i'm posting blogs on Suicidegirls :-P)
Prom was on Saturday and I can say it was one of the best nights I've ever had. And I stayed sober through it. I can't believe that. Especially since I didn't get to go to ninth grade formal because I was suspended for doing drugs on school property. Oh how things have changed. Rehab has changed my life forever, and for the better. Although after prom my mood turned sour as everyone was passing the bottle around in the hot tub, I chain smoked a pack of Winstons and kept passing the alcohol to my right. It is becoming more of a habit to not drink anymore than it is to want to drink. I'm glad the landslide is falling in my direction now.
Anyway, I'm practicing my speech for graduation. I'm so glad that it got selected. I love writing and I really want to let the people at my school know how I feel about them and the life that is going to come after high school.
Isn't it crazy that I'm still in high school? I feel like I'm really old and don't know what I'm doing here anymore. It's time to move on and that's not a bad thing. KU is coming up this fall and I'm so excited to get an apartment and study psychology. Hopefully when I graduate I will be able to open up my own rehab or become a counselor at the one that I went to. And fuel my dreams until then.
Impossible is nothing.
love,
Onida
Prom was on Saturday and I can say it was one of the best nights I've ever had. And I stayed sober through it. I can't believe that. Especially since I didn't get to go to ninth grade formal because I was suspended for doing drugs on school property. Oh how things have changed. Rehab has changed my life forever, and for the better. Although after prom my mood turned sour as everyone was passing the bottle around in the hot tub, I chain smoked a pack of Winstons and kept passing the alcohol to my right. It is becoming more of a habit to not drink anymore than it is to want to drink. I'm glad the landslide is falling in my direction now.
Anyway, I'm practicing my speech for graduation. I'm so glad that it got selected. I love writing and I really want to let the people at my school know how I feel about them and the life that is going to come after high school.
Isn't it crazy that I'm still in high school? I feel like I'm really old and don't know what I'm doing here anymore. It's time to move on and that's not a bad thing. KU is coming up this fall and I'm so excited to get an apartment and study psychology. Hopefully when I graduate I will be able to open up my own rehab or become a counselor at the one that I went to. And fuel my dreams until then.
Impossible is nothing.
love,
Onida
Today the rain is falling and I have goosebumps from the cold. My throat is sore and it hurts to swallow, but being sick is not going to keep me down. I'm in a really good mood and just woke up from a nap. I'm going to make some hot green tea in hopes that it will soothe my sickness (it is the elixir of life, I believe.) I'm happy that school is almost coming to an end and that I ordered my prom dress. I'm happy that I had the chance to be lucky enough to get a hopefuls set. Being sober for a whole year has completely turned my life around and I am doing things today that I never dreamed of doing, but they are good things, positive things, that will stay with me and keep me strong forever. Anyway, I've got tons of homework I need to be doing since I missed four days of school last week. I'm gonna get on it so I can go boxing tonight. Yee!
Love
Onida
Love
Onida
OCTOBER 2008
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