IPOD
RADIO
Damn it!
It's been about two months since I wrote an entry.
I try for at least once a month.
Actually, that's sad enough. I used to try for once a week.
Okay, I have no idea whether this will be a classic epic-length entry or something almost managable. Let's see, shall we?
So last week my brother got married.
I met his wife last summer when they came for a visit.
She seems really nice, and he seems like a much nicer, calmer person now that he's with her.
It was a big wedding.
We went down for the rehearsal, followed by the rehearsal dinner for last Tuesday.
Then the wedding itself was on Friday afternoon, with a massive dinner that night.
There's a bit of culture shock involved with these events.
She comes from a huge, but close family.
I come from a small family that's not very close.
She has so many aunts, uncles, cousins, I couldn't keep everyone straight in my head.
Except for her cousins Kim and Tanya.
OMG!
(And there you have it folks, the first time I've ever used the text abbreviation of Oh My God, says something about the maturity level of my feelings I think).
Sadly, though they're both beautiful, Tanya especially, they're way too young.
From a few clues, I determined that Tanya is just 19.
Yikes!
I've always been attracted to younger women, but I'm getting slightly more mature about it, and realize that 19 is just ridiculously young for me.
Mid-twenties, no problem.
Speaking of ridiculous, though I didn't get to meet her, there was a family member's girlfriend attending.
Stunning. The kind of looks where you actually have to look away for fear that your eyes will fall out if you look too long.
Of course, turns out she's 19 too.
WTF?
(OMG, I'm using text talk again).
Anyways, it was a nice time overall, but I still don't know the vast majority of the people there.
The problem for me is saying hi.
Anyone who's met me must know that I have very little problem carrying on a conversation.
It's just saying hi that kills me.
If someone else says hi to me, then I can converse for ages.
It's saying hi that I just can't do.
Anyways, the whole wedding experience was nice.
I will admit that it took an extraordinary effort for me to not cry in the minutes before the ceremony started.
Seeing my brother in his tuxedo, with a look on his face like he's just won the lottery was great.
And when the limo pulled up just before the ceremony with the bride, well, I had to rush to the washroom to grab some toilet tissue in case my eyes exploded with tears.
I took some pictures, and I know that when they get back from their honeymoon in Thailand, they'll be going through all the photos that were taken by the hired photopgraphers.
Yes, plural.
I have no idea how much they spent, but they had two professional photographers for 12 hours!
If nothing else, it means I do know that there are a couple pictures with me in it.
Otherwise you might not realize I was even there.
But I was! Unlike my sister and her family. She couldn't be bothered attending.
Like I said, our family isn't exactly close.
The one sad aspect of the whole experience?
C'mon, if you know me, you can predict this!
Yes, that it simply served to remind of how horribly single I am, and that there seems no prospect of that changing anytime soon.
There were so many little kids at the wedding.
I want kids.
If I were a woman, I would have gone out and got myself pregnant years ago, and not even bothered worrying about a relationship.
Hrmm....
Do I whine a lot or just a bit here?
Okay, okay, I'll keep it short.
I'll just say that I'm 39, permanently unemployed, serious mental health problems, and I live in a small town in the middle of frigging nowhere. My prospects aren't great.
But if anyone knows a woman who would like to be truly happy and content for the rest of her life, well, that's not a problem - I can provide that.
Riches? Not unless I win the lottery. Excitement? HA!
But happiness? No problem.
An update on my health....
My doctor has reversed his own opinion and decided that maybe all the anti-depressants I was taking were the reason I was so tired.
Fuck you!! You couldn't have decided that when I first complained, instead making me go through a whole battery of tests and exams, only to find that I'm in perfect health.
Son of a bitch.
Sorry, I don't normally swear, but that really ticks me off.
Anyways, he's taken me off the Effexor and the Zoloft and put me on Wellbutrin, and I'm really feeling the effects.
Thankfully, unlike most people, I had zero withdrawal symptoms.
And I'm now feeling a bit better in terms of mood, and much better in terms of energy.
Of course, you know that God can't let me be happy for very long.
I'm having some pretty serious digestive problems that seem to be related to the gastric band I have for weight loss.
I won't go into the gross details, except to say it includes throwing up while I sleep.
Yay me!
I see my family doctor this week, and the bariatric surgeon next week in Toronto.
Thank God for medicare!
Two of my favourite Suicide Girls are having birthdays in a few days, so visit their pages and give them your good wishes.
Dusti is a wonderful woman who appeared out of nowhere a couple years and requested to add me as a friend. I have no idea where she found me, but I've always been glad that she did.
She's got a wonderfully contagious serenity about her.
And I've become great friends with her fiancee, Flit.
Okay, I REALLY like Flit, but oh well.
Temper? What the hell do I say about Temper?
I stumbled across her journal shortly after joining SG. She must have posted a message in a group or forum and I saw her profile picture and just about melted. I read her journal. If you think my entries are long, you haven't seen anything. The first entry I read took at least 30 minutes to read. It was a wonderful description of a trip she took the US (She's in Germany). I was hooked.
Started leaving comments for her, and what do you know? She actually commented back most of the time.
It wasn't until she had a new set up that I finally looked at her sets.
Holy crap! Beautiful. Can't say it any better than that.
Her hairstyle is what caught my initial attention, and it's unique hairstyles like that that brought me to SG in the first place.
(As bizarre as it sounds, I'm not a big fan of piercings or tattoos, though I really like some tattoos - an excellent example in fact is Dusti's chestpiece - how much more elegantly simple can you get?)
Anyways, Temper, I'll admit, is the only Suicide Girl I have ever had sexual fantasies about.
Her beauty, her intelligence, her wit all add up to some truly irresistable to me.
We've very slowly become 'friends', at least in a basic sense.
I'm hoping that by the time I die, we'll be actual friends.
Even though I realize we have pretty much nothing in common, and would never have encountered each other in any other way except for SG. Even if she lived down the street from me, I'm sure our paths would never cross otherwise.
And what the heck do you know? I'm done for now.
And it wasn't too long, was it?
Come on, you know damn well I could have made this a lot longer, between whining about being lonely and whining about being sick, this could have been epic length.
I have spared you that fate.
You may reward me now.
It's been about two months since I wrote an entry.
I try for at least once a month.
Actually, that's sad enough. I used to try for once a week.
Okay, I have no idea whether this will be a classic epic-length entry or something almost managable. Let's see, shall we?
So last week my brother got married.
I met his wife last summer when they came for a visit.
She seems really nice, and he seems like a much nicer, calmer person now that he's with her.
It was a big wedding.
We went down for the rehearsal, followed by the rehearsal dinner for last Tuesday.
Then the wedding itself was on Friday afternoon, with a massive dinner that night.
There's a bit of culture shock involved with these events.
She comes from a huge, but close family.
I come from a small family that's not very close.
She has so many aunts, uncles, cousins, I couldn't keep everyone straight in my head.
Except for her cousins Kim and Tanya.
OMG!
(And there you have it folks, the first time I've ever used the text abbreviation of Oh My God, says something about the maturity level of my feelings I think).
Sadly, though they're both beautiful, Tanya especially, they're way too young.
From a few clues, I determined that Tanya is just 19.
Yikes!
I've always been attracted to younger women, but I'm getting slightly more mature about it, and realize that 19 is just ridiculously young for me.
Mid-twenties, no problem.
Speaking of ridiculous, though I didn't get to meet her, there was a family member's girlfriend attending.
Stunning. The kind of looks where you actually have to look away for fear that your eyes will fall out if you look too long.
Of course, turns out she's 19 too.
WTF?
(OMG, I'm using text talk again).
Anyways, it was a nice time overall, but I still don't know the vast majority of the people there.
The problem for me is saying hi.
Anyone who's met me must know that I have very little problem carrying on a conversation.
It's just saying hi that kills me.
If someone else says hi to me, then I can converse for ages.
It's saying hi that I just can't do.
Anyways, the whole wedding experience was nice.
I will admit that it took an extraordinary effort for me to not cry in the minutes before the ceremony started.
Seeing my brother in his tuxedo, with a look on his face like he's just won the lottery was great.
And when the limo pulled up just before the ceremony with the bride, well, I had to rush to the washroom to grab some toilet tissue in case my eyes exploded with tears.
I took some pictures, and I know that when they get back from their honeymoon in Thailand, they'll be going through all the photos that were taken by the hired photopgraphers.
Yes, plural.
I have no idea how much they spent, but they had two professional photographers for 12 hours!
If nothing else, it means I do know that there are a couple pictures with me in it.
Otherwise you might not realize I was even there.
But I was! Unlike my sister and her family. She couldn't be bothered attending.
Like I said, our family isn't exactly close.
The one sad aspect of the whole experience?
C'mon, if you know me, you can predict this!
Yes, that it simply served to remind of how horribly single I am, and that there seems no prospect of that changing anytime soon.
There were so many little kids at the wedding.
I want kids.
If I were a woman, I would have gone out and got myself pregnant years ago, and not even bothered worrying about a relationship.
Hrmm....
Do I whine a lot or just a bit here?
Okay, okay, I'll keep it short.
I'll just say that I'm 39, permanently unemployed, serious mental health problems, and I live in a small town in the middle of frigging nowhere. My prospects aren't great.
But if anyone knows a woman who would like to be truly happy and content for the rest of her life, well, that's not a problem - I can provide that.
Riches? Not unless I win the lottery. Excitement? HA!
But happiness? No problem.
An update on my health....
My doctor has reversed his own opinion and decided that maybe all the anti-depressants I was taking were the reason I was so tired.
Fuck you!! You couldn't have decided that when I first complained, instead making me go through a whole battery of tests and exams, only to find that I'm in perfect health.
Son of a bitch.
Sorry, I don't normally swear, but that really ticks me off.
Anyways, he's taken me off the Effexor and the Zoloft and put me on Wellbutrin, and I'm really feeling the effects.
Thankfully, unlike most people, I had zero withdrawal symptoms.
And I'm now feeling a bit better in terms of mood, and much better in terms of energy.
Of course, you know that God can't let me be happy for very long.
I'm having some pretty serious digestive problems that seem to be related to the gastric band I have for weight loss.
I won't go into the gross details, except to say it includes throwing up while I sleep.
Yay me!
I see my family doctor this week, and the bariatric surgeon next week in Toronto.
Thank God for medicare!
Two of my favourite Suicide Girls are having birthdays in a few days, so visit their pages and give them your good wishes.
Dusti is a wonderful woman who appeared out of nowhere a couple years and requested to add me as a friend. I have no idea where she found me, but I've always been glad that she did.
She's got a wonderfully contagious serenity about her.
And I've become great friends with her fiancee, Flit.
Okay, I REALLY like Flit, but oh well.
Temper? What the hell do I say about Temper?
I stumbled across her journal shortly after joining SG. She must have posted a message in a group or forum and I saw her profile picture and just about melted. I read her journal. If you think my entries are long, you haven't seen anything. The first entry I read took at least 30 minutes to read. It was a wonderful description of a trip she took the US (She's in Germany). I was hooked.
Started leaving comments for her, and what do you know? She actually commented back most of the time.
It wasn't until she had a new set up that I finally looked at her sets.
Holy crap! Beautiful. Can't say it any better than that.
Her hairstyle is what caught my initial attention, and it's unique hairstyles like that that brought me to SG in the first place.
(As bizarre as it sounds, I'm not a big fan of piercings or tattoos, though I really like some tattoos - an excellent example in fact is Dusti's chestpiece - how much more elegantly simple can you get?)
Anyways, Temper, I'll admit, is the only Suicide Girl I have ever had sexual fantasies about.
Her beauty, her intelligence, her wit all add up to some truly irresistable to me.
We've very slowly become 'friends', at least in a basic sense.
I'm hoping that by the time I die, we'll be actual friends.
Even though I realize we have pretty much nothing in common, and would never have encountered each other in any other way except for SG. Even if she lived down the street from me, I'm sure our paths would never cross otherwise.
And what the heck do you know? I'm done for now.
And it wasn't too long, was it?
Come on, you know damn well I could have made this a lot longer, between whining about being lonely and whining about being sick, this could have been epic length.
I have spared you that fate.
You may reward me now.
Well, it's that time of year again.
My birthday.
Okay, actually it was a few days ago, on July 14.
I'm 39.
Yikes!
My mom joked that from now on, I'll be lying about my age.
My actual birthday was very uneventful. In fact, I slept a lot and had a headache.
The highlight was my annual late-night birthday call from my best friend Lene. She always calls, and as soon as I answer, she sings the Danish birthday song.
Well, it's in Danish, and she sings it on my birthday, so I'll take her word for it that it's a birthday song.
I spent the couple days before my birthday in Toronto.
My brother is getting married this September and his fiance was having her bridal shower, so I drove my mom down to attend.
A few days before that, I had seen that Flit was having a party for her birthday on the Friday.
As you may have guessed from my gala review in my previous entry, I have a bit of thing for her.
Not even sure what exactly that thing is. She's just really great, and I feel a really good connection with her.
But I guess since I live so far away from Toronto, I hadn't been invited.
A simple oversight I'm sure.
I mentioned to her that I was coming to Toronto that day, and thank God, she invited me to her party.
My mom and I set out early that morning and got to my brother's place mid-afternoon.
They didn't seem to mind that I was ditching them for the evening (I think my brother was pleasantly surprised to learn that I actually have some friends), and they gave me a key so I could let myself in that night.
I managed to get myself downtown and find a place to park, and arrived a few minutes after the start time.
Some of you may have guessed that I like showing up when something is scheduled to start. I've never understood the concept of 'fashionably late'.
I wasn't even the first person there.
I was the second.
Dusti and Flit greeted me at the door, and Lisseth was already there.
I won't go into a minute-by-minute detailing of the evening, so you're spared that.
Suffice to say that I had a wonderful time.
No exageration.
There wasn't a huge crowd, so I actually managed to meet most of the people there, and they were all really nice.
For a good portion of the evening I was actually the only male there, which made things more comfortable for me.
And, well, Flit's friend are all really attractive.
There were a few people I talked to a fair amount, but my capacity to remember names is severely limited, so I have no idea who most of them are. If you happen to be reading this, say hi.
But I have to make mention of one person who stood out from all the rest, and really made it a fantastic evening.
She used to be around on SG, but although I was aware of her existance, I never actually spoke to red_vinyl.
She arrived shortly after I did, and when she walked in, I just about fell over, she was so beautiful.
Then we talked, and wow, is she ever charming.
I won't embarass myself with singing her praises any further.
I am, however, amazed at myself for being able to carry on a conversation with her, and several other great women, without making a complete fool of myself.
I have a pretty good track record, both online and in real life, of making a poor first impression.
Either my sense of humour conflicts with theirs, or I say what I'm thinking, or I flirt terribly, or just plain try too hard.
It was nice to leave at the end of the evening feeling as though people liked me.
Of course, I may have the wrong impression. I'm easily deluded.
The Saturday was fun too.
My brother and our uncle and I spent some time chatting while everyone else was at the shower.
But then we got permission to show up before it was over.
It was pretty fun.
Loads of people, so again, I can't remember the vast majority of names, or how they're related to my future sister-in-law.
Lots of food too. And desserts.
On the Sunday, before leaving Toronto, we stopped at Planet Organic, a grocery store.
Got some stuff, all of it all-natural, most of it vegetarian or vegan.
They had these vegan chocolate cupcakes. We each got one. I should have got more.
They were really good.
In my time on SG, a few people have mentioned vegan cakes and cupcakes, and I've always been curious as to how they might taste.
Good is the verdict.
But the drive home was awful.
I mean, traffic was fine, but it was so HOT and HUMID.
I think that's why I had a headache the next day.
I'm tempted to do my usual birthday moaning about how I haven't managed to do much with my life, and how my life has not turned out even remotely like it should have.
But I'll spare you.
Of course, if you want to read about it, you can go back and read my entries from around this time last year and the year before.
Nothing has actually changed, except that I'm even older now.
But I'll leave on a more positive note regarding my age.
I was the oldest person at the birthday party.
By quite a few years.
But I didn't feel too old at all.
I think that's probably a good thing, so I'll feel good about it.
My birthday.
Okay, actually it was a few days ago, on July 14.
I'm 39.
Yikes!
My mom joked that from now on, I'll be lying about my age.
My actual birthday was very uneventful. In fact, I slept a lot and had a headache.
The highlight was my annual late-night birthday call from my best friend Lene. She always calls, and as soon as I answer, she sings the Danish birthday song.
Well, it's in Danish, and she sings it on my birthday, so I'll take her word for it that it's a birthday song.
I spent the couple days before my birthday in Toronto.
My brother is getting married this September and his fiance was having her bridal shower, so I drove my mom down to attend.
A few days before that, I had seen that Flit was having a party for her birthday on the Friday.
As you may have guessed from my gala review in my previous entry, I have a bit of thing for her.
Not even sure what exactly that thing is. She's just really great, and I feel a really good connection with her.
But I guess since I live so far away from Toronto, I hadn't been invited.
A simple oversight I'm sure.
I mentioned to her that I was coming to Toronto that day, and thank God, she invited me to her party.
My mom and I set out early that morning and got to my brother's place mid-afternoon.
They didn't seem to mind that I was ditching them for the evening (I think my brother was pleasantly surprised to learn that I actually have some friends), and they gave me a key so I could let myself in that night.
I managed to get myself downtown and find a place to park, and arrived a few minutes after the start time.
Some of you may have guessed that I like showing up when something is scheduled to start. I've never understood the concept of 'fashionably late'.
I wasn't even the first person there.
I was the second.
Dusti and Flit greeted me at the door, and Lisseth was already there.
I won't go into a minute-by-minute detailing of the evening, so you're spared that.
Suffice to say that I had a wonderful time.
No exageration.
There wasn't a huge crowd, so I actually managed to meet most of the people there, and they were all really nice.
For a good portion of the evening I was actually the only male there, which made things more comfortable for me.
And, well, Flit's friend are all really attractive.
There were a few people I talked to a fair amount, but my capacity to remember names is severely limited, so I have no idea who most of them are. If you happen to be reading this, say hi.
But I have to make mention of one person who stood out from all the rest, and really made it a fantastic evening.
She used to be around on SG, but although I was aware of her existance, I never actually spoke to red_vinyl.
She arrived shortly after I did, and when she walked in, I just about fell over, she was so beautiful.
Then we talked, and wow, is she ever charming.
I won't embarass myself with singing her praises any further.
I am, however, amazed at myself for being able to carry on a conversation with her, and several other great women, without making a complete fool of myself.
I have a pretty good track record, both online and in real life, of making a poor first impression.
Either my sense of humour conflicts with theirs, or I say what I'm thinking, or I flirt terribly, or just plain try too hard.
It was nice to leave at the end of the evening feeling as though people liked me.
Of course, I may have the wrong impression. I'm easily deluded.
The Saturday was fun too.
My brother and our uncle and I spent some time chatting while everyone else was at the shower.
But then we got permission to show up before it was over.
It was pretty fun.
Loads of people, so again, I can't remember the vast majority of names, or how they're related to my future sister-in-law.
Lots of food too. And desserts.
On the Sunday, before leaving Toronto, we stopped at Planet Organic, a grocery store.
Got some stuff, all of it all-natural, most of it vegetarian or vegan.
They had these vegan chocolate cupcakes. We each got one. I should have got more.
They were really good.
In my time on SG, a few people have mentioned vegan cakes and cupcakes, and I've always been curious as to how they might taste.
Good is the verdict.
But the drive home was awful.
I mean, traffic was fine, but it was so HOT and HUMID.
I think that's why I had a headache the next day.
I'm tempted to do my usual birthday moaning about how I haven't managed to do much with my life, and how my life has not turned out even remotely like it should have.
But I'll spare you.
Of course, if you want to read about it, you can go back and read my entries from around this time last year and the year before.
Nothing has actually changed, except that I'm even older now.
But I'll leave on a more positive note regarding my age.
I was the oldest person at the birthday party.
By quite a few years.
But I didn't feel too old at all.
I think that's probably a good thing, so I'll feel good about it.
Last night was the annual SuicideGirls gala in Toronto, so of course that means it's time for my annual post-gala report.
My third annual, in fact.
As I've mentioned to a few people, a week ago I was having doubts about attending. Between my low energy levels and a low mood, I was debating it. But I talked myself into it. I know my depression quite well, and I know that it can try to con me out of doing something fun in order to maintain control over me. And I'm getting really tired of it ruining my life.
Plus, I know that if I skipped the gala, I would become even more depressed, and spend the next year kicking myself for not going.
I realize that this may be a reflection of how little I do in life, but the gala really has been just about the most fun I've had each year I've attended.
So I spent a few days psyching myself up to go. Even though I knew some of the people who would be going, I also know that most of the people would be strangers, and I get very anxious in large social gatherings with lots of strangers.
This year, just to add to the push I try to give myself when it comes to socializing, I decided I would also attend the pre-gala dinner.
I got up bright and early Saturday morning, having had little sleep because I was nervous, and set off on the seven-hour drive to Toronto. Checked into the least expensive hotel I could find in the GTA (all the way up in Richmond Hill). Had a brief nap, and then got ready.
It took forever (okay, about 90 minutes) to get from my hotel to Bathurst and Bloor.
Parked, and then walked the short distance to the restaurant, getting there about 20 minutes early.
On a sweltering hot Saturday evening, a guy in a suit stands out at Bloor and Spadina.
While loitering on the sidewalk, a couple stopped in front of the restaurant for a moment, then went in.
Now, they looked as though they were stopping and wondering if they should go in, and I kind of thought that maybe they were with SG, but I'm terribly nervous about speaking to strangers, so I continued loitering.
A few minutes later, I looked up the street and saw someone I recognized - Lydia.
Lydia is actually the second person I ever met from SG, and the first SuicideGirl. It was at the first gala I attended two years.
But me, always horrible at recognizing faces, had no clue who she was even after she introduced herself to me. I blame the fact that she didn't look anything like her profile picture at the time.
I was so relieved that I recognized her this time.
You know, she and elscorcho come to Toronto from St. John's, just so they can attend the gala. How's that for committment?
Anyways, the three of us went in, and met up with connielingus and Bill_the_Cat, the couple I saw go in earlier.
We were soon followed by AandP, radiofrank, and his sister, Laura.
Soon, more people showed.
And more.
And even some some.
I was seated between Bill_the_Cat and Mneylu.
I've seen Mneylu around SG, but had never talked to her.
Sadly, being chronically unable to actually start conversations, I only barely spoke to her.
She seems really nice (and very beautiful), but don't ask me how to say her name. She told us, a few times, but it's a lost cause for me.
I barely spoke to Bill_the_Cat for most of the dinner. Thankfully, he was able to start a conversation with me, and we were able to talk.
Despite nametags, I have little idea who else was there. It's hard to meet people when you're sitting down at a table.
I did notice a woman whose nametag said Katie.
I have no idea who you are, but wow!
Dinner, at Crystal Rolls by the way, was very good.
Until the bills arrived.
There were at least 20 of us, and they only did 3 bills.
And there were 10 of us at our table.
And they accidentally put some things from our table on a different bill.
Chaos ensued.
AandP, radiofrank, Laura and I went to the club.
Yes, I tagged along because I had nothing better to do. I wasn't staying in the area, and besides, as with last year's gala, I enjoy helping.
Hope that AandP and radiofrank didn't mind too much.
I met AandP last year, but barely spoke to her. Thankfully, with her having sat across from me at dinner, I managed to say more than just hi this year.
radiofrank and I worked at the door, giving out nametags and door prize tickets.
I was worried for awhile, because no one was showing up.
Thankfully, I guess most people decided to be fashionably late because lots of people did show up.
I met a bunch of people I've met in the past, and a few I hadn't met before, and a whole bunch I didn't really meet, except that I read their nametags.
_LouLou_ and Slingshot both said hi as I had asked them to.
It took me a moment to actually recognize either of them.
Cottser greeted me warmly. He's such a nice guy - shame he isn't around here too much.
One person took me by complete surprise. Lisseth gave me an amazing compliment for having lost weight since she last saw me.
And to think, I thought she was barely aware of my existance.
People I didn't actually speak to, but who stood out to me:
Valdis - I spoke to her briefly last year. I should have thanked her again for adding her business card to my collection. Very kind of her, especially since it's a great card. And she's beautiful.
Nicoletta. Holy crap! Absolutely stunning!
Rubix. So pretty.
Agy. Wonderful.
Obviously, there were more, but my head can only hold so many names.
Okay. Enough of people I don't have the nerve to speak to.
I did actually socialize.
BrightRedScream is always amazing.
As is her husband SixBoxes.
He brought me a whole bunch of business cards, mostly tattoo artists (highly coveted among collectors).
How thoughtful is that? THANK YOU!!
Dusti is a sweetheart.
I think she knows I'm uncomfortable with lots of people around, and she managed to make me feel comfortable several times through the evening.
Flit.
I don't know what to say about Flit.
All the positive adjectives I've used to describe others, apply them all to her.
Just don't tell Dusti. As serene as she seems, I don't want her upset that I'm really into her fiancee.
I will say that Flit is a joy to be around at a party.
Makes me smile.
They had a couple friends, one of whom I was introduced to, and of course, she had a long, two-word name, that my brain can't seem to retrieve. She was with another woman, also really cute, whose name I'm fuzzy about.
Ahh - wait. Using the strangely inaccurate member search 'feature', I found BDeyeD. I remembered it was something like that.
I almost met a couple more of their friends - Luscious and Shazzy. Maybe next year.
Oh, and I have to thank 2low and King_Mob for joining with Flit in some very impressive dance routines.
Quite entertaining.
Also to DeadSeeds - nice to have met you!
Tekky is always so beautiful. Wish I knew her better.
ATTENTION!!!!
I don't know who you are. If anyone knows, please tell me.
To the woman who kept trying to make me dance, even using force, ummm.... Hi!
Sorry, dancing and singing are two things I'd rather not do. So, please, if you ever see me at karaoke, don't try to make me sing.
It won't happen.
But thanks for making the supreme effort in trying to get me to dance. It was fun.
And thank you for getting one of your friends to give me a brief lap dance as part of your effort.
Who is she?
So, yes, if you know who this woman is, tell me. I need to make sure I say hi to her.
Martini. Someday I will think of something beyond hi to say to you. We have so many mutual friends here, and yet we don't know each other. Heck, my Facebook page keeps telling me we're supposed to be friends.
Okay, there were a lot of people there. I didn't meet most of them.
And some of them go unnamed here, simply because I don't know who they are.
People - use the nametags.
That way, sad people like me can make a mental note of who you are, and then bookmark your blog for later.
Doesn't that sound fun??
Also, as I said earlier, my brain has limited storage capacity when it comes to names, so if we did talk, or nod hello, or whatever, I apologize for not naming you.
It's a shame that a few people who had wanted to go weren't able to.
I missed seeing gigantic. She's always been so nice to me. As silly as it sounds, I think of her being like a little sister. I feel very protective of her. She's very sad that she wasn't able to get time off work, and that makes me sad too.
Malice was a last minute cancellation. That's a shame. As I said in last year's gala review, she's one of the most beautiful women I have ever had the good fortune to meet. I'm not sure I should have blurted that out to her at the gala last year. I think she's very nice for tolerating me.
Adair currently has trouble walking, so couldn't make it. She's been one of the highlights for me of the first two galas.
Lastly (yes, he's wrapping up! YAY!), someone was going to come as my guest this year.
Oryx used to be on the site, but left a couple years ago.
We used to talk sometimes on SG, and as some of you may know, I had/have a huge crush on her.
But we've never met.
That's why I call it a crush. It's this strong attraction that can't completely be explained. I barely know her.
When she left SG, I was sure I'd never speak to her again. It was actually really sad.
Then, out of the blue, she friended me on Facebook.
I still have no idea how she found me, or why she friended me.
But I was elated.
We've exchanged comments many times, and I've looked at, and admire, all the photographs she takes.
When I changed my Facebook status to say that I was psyching myself up to go to the gala, she commented that she wished she could go.
So I invited her and her boyfriend to be my guests.
I was excited that I would finally meet her.
Even though I didn't tell people she was coming, somehow people knew, and were asking if it was true that she was coming.
So hey, I wasn't the only one excited about seeing her.
I don't know what happened, but she didn't show up. She didn't call my cell (mind you, it's a long-distance call).
I haven't heard from her, so I don't know why she wasn't there.
The gala two years ago was the first SG event I attended. I was still new to the site.
As I've said, I'm uncomfortable around large groups of strangers, so that first gala was friggin terrifying.
But I wanted so badly to meet Oryx.
Obviously I didn't.
The worst part was that when I got home the next night and wrote my review, she commented on it (the first time she spoke to me) and said that she had been there!
How lame am I?? To this day, I have no idea what God I offended, that they would have made her invisible to me that night.
A month or two later, I again made the trip to Toronto, to karaoke, in the hopes of meeting her.
How was I to know that she had stopped going?
Blah!
Anyways, although I had a lot of fun seeing old friends and meeting some new people, the gala is tinged with some sadness in not meeting the person I most wanted to meet.
My third annual, in fact.
As I've mentioned to a few people, a week ago I was having doubts about attending. Between my low energy levels and a low mood, I was debating it. But I talked myself into it. I know my depression quite well, and I know that it can try to con me out of doing something fun in order to maintain control over me. And I'm getting really tired of it ruining my life.
Plus, I know that if I skipped the gala, I would become even more depressed, and spend the next year kicking myself for not going.
I realize that this may be a reflection of how little I do in life, but the gala really has been just about the most fun I've had each year I've attended.
So I spent a few days psyching myself up to go. Even though I knew some of the people who would be going, I also know that most of the people would be strangers, and I get very anxious in large social gatherings with lots of strangers.
This year, just to add to the push I try to give myself when it comes to socializing, I decided I would also attend the pre-gala dinner.
I got up bright and early Saturday morning, having had little sleep because I was nervous, and set off on the seven-hour drive to Toronto. Checked into the least expensive hotel I could find in the GTA (all the way up in Richmond Hill). Had a brief nap, and then got ready.
It took forever (okay, about 90 minutes) to get from my hotel to Bathurst and Bloor.
Parked, and then walked the short distance to the restaurant, getting there about 20 minutes early.
On a sweltering hot Saturday evening, a guy in a suit stands out at Bloor and Spadina.
While loitering on the sidewalk, a couple stopped in front of the restaurant for a moment, then went in.
Now, they looked as though they were stopping and wondering if they should go in, and I kind of thought that maybe they were with SG, but I'm terribly nervous about speaking to strangers, so I continued loitering.
A few minutes later, I looked up the street and saw someone I recognized - Lydia.
Lydia is actually the second person I ever met from SG, and the first SuicideGirl. It was at the first gala I attended two years.
But me, always horrible at recognizing faces, had no clue who she was even after she introduced herself to me. I blame the fact that she didn't look anything like her profile picture at the time.
I was so relieved that I recognized her this time.
You know, she and elscorcho come to Toronto from St. John's, just so they can attend the gala. How's that for committment?
Anyways, the three of us went in, and met up with connielingus and Bill_the_Cat, the couple I saw go in earlier.
We were soon followed by AandP, radiofrank, and his sister, Laura.
Soon, more people showed.
And more.
And even some some.
I was seated between Bill_the_Cat and Mneylu.
I've seen Mneylu around SG, but had never talked to her.
Sadly, being chronically unable to actually start conversations, I only barely spoke to her.
She seems really nice (and very beautiful), but don't ask me how to say her name. She told us, a few times, but it's a lost cause for me.
I barely spoke to Bill_the_Cat for most of the dinner. Thankfully, he was able to start a conversation with me, and we were able to talk.
Despite nametags, I have little idea who else was there. It's hard to meet people when you're sitting down at a table.
I did notice a woman whose nametag said Katie.
I have no idea who you are, but wow!
Dinner, at Crystal Rolls by the way, was very good.
Until the bills arrived.
There were at least 20 of us, and they only did 3 bills.
And there were 10 of us at our table.
And they accidentally put some things from our table on a different bill.
Chaos ensued.
AandP, radiofrank, Laura and I went to the club.
Yes, I tagged along because I had nothing better to do. I wasn't staying in the area, and besides, as with last year's gala, I enjoy helping.
Hope that AandP and radiofrank didn't mind too much.
I met AandP last year, but barely spoke to her. Thankfully, with her having sat across from me at dinner, I managed to say more than just hi this year.
radiofrank and I worked at the door, giving out nametags and door prize tickets.
I was worried for awhile, because no one was showing up.
Thankfully, I guess most people decided to be fashionably late because lots of people did show up.
I met a bunch of people I've met in the past, and a few I hadn't met before, and a whole bunch I didn't really meet, except that I read their nametags.
_LouLou_ and Slingshot both said hi as I had asked them to.
It took me a moment to actually recognize either of them.
Cottser greeted me warmly. He's such a nice guy - shame he isn't around here too much.
One person took me by complete surprise. Lisseth gave me an amazing compliment for having lost weight since she last saw me.
And to think, I thought she was barely aware of my existance.
People I didn't actually speak to, but who stood out to me:
Valdis - I spoke to her briefly last year. I should have thanked her again for adding her business card to my collection. Very kind of her, especially since it's a great card. And she's beautiful.
Nicoletta. Holy crap! Absolutely stunning!
Rubix. So pretty.
Agy. Wonderful.
Obviously, there were more, but my head can only hold so many names.
Okay. Enough of people I don't have the nerve to speak to.
I did actually socialize.
BrightRedScream is always amazing.
As is her husband SixBoxes.
He brought me a whole bunch of business cards, mostly tattoo artists (highly coveted among collectors).
How thoughtful is that? THANK YOU!!
Dusti is a sweetheart.
I think she knows I'm uncomfortable with lots of people around, and she managed to make me feel comfortable several times through the evening.
Flit.
I don't know what to say about Flit.
All the positive adjectives I've used to describe others, apply them all to her.
Just don't tell Dusti. As serene as she seems, I don't want her upset that I'm really into her fiancee.
I will say that Flit is a joy to be around at a party.
Makes me smile.
They had a couple friends, one of whom I was introduced to, and of course, she had a long, two-word name, that my brain can't seem to retrieve. She was with another woman, also really cute, whose name I'm fuzzy about.
Ahh - wait. Using the strangely inaccurate member search 'feature', I found BDeyeD. I remembered it was something like that.
I almost met a couple more of their friends - Luscious and Shazzy. Maybe next year.
Oh, and I have to thank 2low and King_Mob for joining with Flit in some very impressive dance routines.
Quite entertaining.
Also to DeadSeeds - nice to have met you!
Tekky is always so beautiful. Wish I knew her better.
ATTENTION!!!!
I don't know who you are. If anyone knows, please tell me.
To the woman who kept trying to make me dance, even using force, ummm.... Hi!
Sorry, dancing and singing are two things I'd rather not do. So, please, if you ever see me at karaoke, don't try to make me sing.
It won't happen.
But thanks for making the supreme effort in trying to get me to dance. It was fun.
And thank you for getting one of your friends to give me a brief lap dance as part of your effort.
Who is she?
So, yes, if you know who this woman is, tell me. I need to make sure I say hi to her.
Martini. Someday I will think of something beyond hi to say to you. We have so many mutual friends here, and yet we don't know each other. Heck, my Facebook page keeps telling me we're supposed to be friends.
Okay, there were a lot of people there. I didn't meet most of them.
And some of them go unnamed here, simply because I don't know who they are.
People - use the nametags.
That way, sad people like me can make a mental note of who you are, and then bookmark your blog for later.
Doesn't that sound fun??
Also, as I said earlier, my brain has limited storage capacity when it comes to names, so if we did talk, or nod hello, or whatever, I apologize for not naming you.
It's a shame that a few people who had wanted to go weren't able to.
I missed seeing gigantic. She's always been so nice to me. As silly as it sounds, I think of her being like a little sister. I feel very protective of her. She's very sad that she wasn't able to get time off work, and that makes me sad too.
Malice was a last minute cancellation. That's a shame. As I said in last year's gala review, she's one of the most beautiful women I have ever had the good fortune to meet. I'm not sure I should have blurted that out to her at the gala last year. I think she's very nice for tolerating me.
Adair currently has trouble walking, so couldn't make it. She's been one of the highlights for me of the first two galas.
Lastly (yes, he's wrapping up! YAY!), someone was going to come as my guest this year.
Oryx used to be on the site, but left a couple years ago.
We used to talk sometimes on SG, and as some of you may know, I had/have a huge crush on her.
But we've never met.
That's why I call it a crush. It's this strong attraction that can't completely be explained. I barely know her.
When she left SG, I was sure I'd never speak to her again. It was actually really sad.
Then, out of the blue, she friended me on Facebook.
I still have no idea how she found me, or why she friended me.
But I was elated.
We've exchanged comments many times, and I've looked at, and admire, all the photographs she takes.
When I changed my Facebook status to say that I was psyching myself up to go to the gala, she commented that she wished she could go.
So I invited her and her boyfriend to be my guests.
I was excited that I would finally meet her.
Even though I didn't tell people she was coming, somehow people knew, and were asking if it was true that she was coming.
So hey, I wasn't the only one excited about seeing her.
I don't know what happened, but she didn't show up. She didn't call my cell (mind you, it's a long-distance call).
I haven't heard from her, so I don't know why she wasn't there.
The gala two years ago was the first SG event I attended. I was still new to the site.
As I've said, I'm uncomfortable around large groups of strangers, so that first gala was friggin terrifying.
But I wanted so badly to meet Oryx.
Obviously I didn't.
The worst part was that when I got home the next night and wrote my review, she commented on it (the first time she spoke to me) and said that she had been there!
How lame am I?? To this day, I have no idea what God I offended, that they would have made her invisible to me that night.
A month or two later, I again made the trip to Toronto, to karaoke, in the hopes of meeting her.
How was I to know that she had stopped going?
Blah!
Anyways, although I had a lot of fun seeing old friends and meeting some new people, the gala is tinged with some sadness in not meeting the person I most wanted to meet.
I'm back from having medical tests in Toronto.
Based on my blood and urine tests, I'm in perfect health.
All my nutrients are at ideal levels. My blood sugar, cell counts, all that stuff is ideal too.
Even my liver function is great, which surprised them due to all the meds I take.
They sent me for a sleep study, feeling that it may be sleep apnea.
I was already diagnosed with sleep apnea years ago.
In fact, I was told that it was pretty severe - that I stopped breathing numerous times while sleeping, and for great lengths.
I was supposed to use a CPAP machine while sleeping. (I can't remember what CPAP stands for).
But I hated using it. Basically, it's a machine that forces air into your lungs while you sleep.
Very uncomfortable.
I'm actually pretty upset that sleep apnea may be the cause of my excessive fatigue.
I've had it most of my life, but managed with it.
It's only in the past two years or so that the fatigue has become a major problem.
The thing is that as long-time readers will recall, I had weight loss surgery four-and-a-half years ago, and losing weight is supposed to help reduce the apena.
I used to snore like a freight train, but after the surgery, I stopped.
I assumed that my apnea would have been, well, not cured, but greatly alleviated by losing 130 pounds.
The gist is that if sleep apnea is the problem (still waiting for the sleep study results), it means that not only has my sleep apnea not been reduced, but it's actually gotten worse.
Blah!
Anyways, I have to wait another week or so for the sleep study results, so who knows?
Of course, if it's not sleep apnea, then I'm left with no diagnosis again.
One thing I learned while in Toronto for the tests is that I no longer enjoy being in downtown Toronto.
I used to love walking along Yonge Street.
Now I find it uncomfortable. Everyone walks so friggen fast. It's too crowded.
And I now find that I can't stand being approached by panhandlers.
And groceries in downtown Toronto - very expensive.
I'd still want to move back to the Toronto area if I could afford it, just not right downtown.
I want to say a big thank you to Lycoris.
Ages ago I posted an entry talking about my hobby of collecting business cards.
A few people offered to send me cards.
One person sent me cards shortly after I posted.
But Lycoris has been collecting cards for me ever since, and recently sent me a big package of cards.
I'm very grateful. It put a big smile on my face.
Of course, if anyone else wants to contribute to my collection, I'll be happy to take whatever you can send me.
Even if you just send me your own card, that'd be great. (Though I do realize that some of you may not want to be so open about your identity).
I'll probably post a picture or two of my collection sometime. Even scan a couple cool cards, if I can figure out how to work my scanner.
Based on my blood and urine tests, I'm in perfect health.
All my nutrients are at ideal levels. My blood sugar, cell counts, all that stuff is ideal too.
Even my liver function is great, which surprised them due to all the meds I take.
They sent me for a sleep study, feeling that it may be sleep apnea.
I was already diagnosed with sleep apnea years ago.
In fact, I was told that it was pretty severe - that I stopped breathing numerous times while sleeping, and for great lengths.
I was supposed to use a CPAP machine while sleeping. (I can't remember what CPAP stands for).
But I hated using it. Basically, it's a machine that forces air into your lungs while you sleep.
Very uncomfortable.
I'm actually pretty upset that sleep apnea may be the cause of my excessive fatigue.
I've had it most of my life, but managed with it.
It's only in the past two years or so that the fatigue has become a major problem.
The thing is that as long-time readers will recall, I had weight loss surgery four-and-a-half years ago, and losing weight is supposed to help reduce the apena.
I used to snore like a freight train, but after the surgery, I stopped.
I assumed that my apnea would have been, well, not cured, but greatly alleviated by losing 130 pounds.
The gist is that if sleep apnea is the problem (still waiting for the sleep study results), it means that not only has my sleep apnea not been reduced, but it's actually gotten worse.
Blah!
Anyways, I have to wait another week or so for the sleep study results, so who knows?
Of course, if it's not sleep apnea, then I'm left with no diagnosis again.
One thing I learned while in Toronto for the tests is that I no longer enjoy being in downtown Toronto.
I used to love walking along Yonge Street.
Now I find it uncomfortable. Everyone walks so friggen fast. It's too crowded.
And I now find that I can't stand being approached by panhandlers.
And groceries in downtown Toronto - very expensive.
I'd still want to move back to the Toronto area if I could afford it, just not right downtown.
I want to say a big thank you to Lycoris.
Ages ago I posted an entry talking about my hobby of collecting business cards.
A few people offered to send me cards.
One person sent me cards shortly after I posted.
But Lycoris has been collecting cards for me ever since, and recently sent me a big package of cards.
I'm very grateful. It put a big smile on my face.
Of course, if anyone else wants to contribute to my collection, I'll be happy to take whatever you can send me.
Even if you just send me your own card, that'd be great. (Though I do realize that some of you may not want to be so open about your identity).
I'll probably post a picture or two of my collection sometime. Even scan a couple cool cards, if I can figure out how to work my scanner.
So... I'm leaving Sunday morning for Toronto.
My appointment at the clinic is Monday morning, and will span 3 to 5 days.
Yes, that's really how long it will take.
But I'm really hoping that they will finally figure out why I'm so tired all the time.
Kind of anxious about it. I mean, what if they can't figure it out?
Okay - I'll try to stay positive. I'm sure they'll come up with a diagnosis.
They're a diagnostic clinic after all.
(By the way, if you have no idea what I'm blabbing about, read the previous few entries).
Hopefully the next time I write an entry, it'll be with an answer to why I'm so fatigued.
Cross your fingers for me.
And..... check out Dusti's new set.
My appointment at the clinic is Monday morning, and will span 3 to 5 days.
Yes, that's really how long it will take.
But I'm really hoping that they will finally figure out why I'm so tired all the time.
Kind of anxious about it. I mean, what if they can't figure it out?
Okay - I'll try to stay positive. I'm sure they'll come up with a diagnosis.
They're a diagnostic clinic after all.
(By the way, if you have no idea what I'm blabbing about, read the previous few entries).
Hopefully the next time I write an entry, it'll be with an answer to why I'm so fatigued.
Cross your fingers for me.
And..... check out Dusti's new set.
I'm alive!
Still tired, but still have a pulse.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, read my previous two entries to catch up (don't worry, they're not epic length).
I'm tired of talking about it, so I won't bore you too much with it.
I will offer a brief update.
Apparently my heart is fine. I say apparently because my doctor didn't say anything about the test results. Which I suppose is a good sign.
Speaking of my doctor, I finally got to see him last week. Got to explain briefly why I've been getting these tests.
As for more tests, my counsellor suggested a clinic in Toronto where they will basically test me for everything.
I had heard mention of a clinic like that, but it seemed odd that medicare would cover mass diagnostics without even needing a referral.
But it's true.
So, the first week in May, I'll be in Toronto for tests. Yes, a week. That's how through the testing is. They told me to plan for a full week of examinations and tests, since it's a minimum of three days, more depending on what they do or don't find.
I'm pretty happy about this. I was dreading having a few tests, then later a few more, and then later a few more, and so on, until they either found something or gave up. This way, I get pretty much everything tested all at once.
Of course, the way my mind works, I start to worry, what even after all that, they don't find anything wrong.
I know that infrequently depression can cause severe fatigue, but without the usual melancholy associated with depression.
If the tests don't find anything, then I have to assume it actually is my depression, in which case I figure I'll beg for ECT treatment, since that apparently can help alleviate even depression that doesn't involve crushing sadness.
Okay, enough of my medical junk.
I like that I'll be able to spend a bit of time in Toronto, but I hate that I'll have to borrow money from my mom to pay for the trip. And by borrow, I mean she gives me the money and I pay her back someday, like when I win the lottery. I really feel bad about that.
I don't know that I'd be having much fun while in Toronto, between being poked and prodded by doctors and not having any money, I doubt I'll be doing anything in my downtime.
But, I'm happy that the annual SG gala in Toronto is happening in June. I've been to the last two, and have had a lot of fun.
If you live in the Toronto area, you MUST attend.
And even if you don't live anywhere near Toronto (like me), you should attend if possible. People come from even further away than me just to be there. Yes, it really is that much fun. I've already taken my suit in for dry-cleaning in preparation.
Well, I'll wrap up now.
Still tired, but still have a pulse.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, read my previous two entries to catch up (don't worry, they're not epic length).
I'm tired of talking about it, so I won't bore you too much with it.
I will offer a brief update.
Apparently my heart is fine. I say apparently because my doctor didn't say anything about the test results. Which I suppose is a good sign.
Speaking of my doctor, I finally got to see him last week. Got to explain briefly why I've been getting these tests.
As for more tests, my counsellor suggested a clinic in Toronto where they will basically test me for everything.
I had heard mention of a clinic like that, but it seemed odd that medicare would cover mass diagnostics without even needing a referral.
But it's true.
So, the first week in May, I'll be in Toronto for tests. Yes, a week. That's how through the testing is. They told me to plan for a full week of examinations and tests, since it's a minimum of three days, more depending on what they do or don't find.
I'm pretty happy about this. I was dreading having a few tests, then later a few more, and then later a few more, and so on, until they either found something or gave up. This way, I get pretty much everything tested all at once.
Of course, the way my mind works, I start to worry, what even after all that, they don't find anything wrong.
I know that infrequently depression can cause severe fatigue, but without the usual melancholy associated with depression.
If the tests don't find anything, then I have to assume it actually is my depression, in which case I figure I'll beg for ECT treatment, since that apparently can help alleviate even depression that doesn't involve crushing sadness.
Okay, enough of my medical junk.
I like that I'll be able to spend a bit of time in Toronto, but I hate that I'll have to borrow money from my mom to pay for the trip. And by borrow, I mean she gives me the money and I pay her back someday, like when I win the lottery. I really feel bad about that.
I don't know that I'd be having much fun while in Toronto, between being poked and prodded by doctors and not having any money, I doubt I'll be doing anything in my downtime.
But, I'm happy that the annual SG gala in Toronto is happening in June. I've been to the last two, and have had a lot of fun.
If you live in the Toronto area, you MUST attend.
And even if you don't live anywhere near Toronto (like me), you should attend if possible. People come from even further away than me just to be there. Yes, it really is that much fun. I've already taken my suit in for dry-cleaning in preparation.
Well, I'll wrap up now.
Wow!
Long time, no see eh?
I haven't written an entry in over a month, and I haven't read people's blogs since Christmas.
I spend most of my time laying on my couch, drifting in and out of sleep.
If you haven't read my last entry, go back and read it (it's brief) so you'll know what I'm talking about.
Here's the update on me medically. I'll make it as quick as possible, if only because it's frustrating and I'm tired.
I saw my psychiatrist a few weeks ago and he's certain that my lethargy isn't due to the meds, though he did reduce the dose of one of them, since I have lost an awful lot of weight since they were prescribed. I've been taking the new dose for a month now, and it hasn't changed my energy level.
He's also certain that it's not my depression causing the tiredness.
Which is a relief to some extent, since I was certain it wasn't the depression either.
He looked at the results of my blood work and it's not any of the types of anemia, and it's not my thyroid either.
That ticks me off, since those would be easy to diagnose and treat.
I was talking with my counsellor about it, since my fatigue now rules my life.
Back in December of 2003 I had weight loss surgery - gastric band (or lap-band).
(As an aside, if you're wondering, banding, unlike bypass, doesn't affect the absorbtion of nutrients, so that's not it either).
Anyways, in the weeks before the surgery, I had a few tests done, including an EKG and a sleep study.
Those showed something slightly off with my heart (long Q waves - whatever that means) so I was sent for an echocardiogram, basically an ultrasound of the heart.
No one said anything about the results, so I showed up for my surgery. Before having it, I asked the anesthesiologist (since she had requested the tests) what the echocardiogram showed. She said that my heart was slightly enlarged, but that wasn't uncommon for someone morbidly obese, and it wasn't something I should worry about.
So I didn't.
Now that I'm progressively more and more fatigued, and trying to figure out why, I'm starting to worry about it.
Someone I know here in town had started getting fatigued a few years ago and after a bunch of tests, it was determined that his heart was actually growing.
Medication didn't work, and he was very lucky to get a heart transplant last year.
But he was close to death, and if it weren't for the transplant, he would have died by now. They were actually close to taking him off the list because he was getting so weak.
Now, honestly, I don't normally think I have every disease I hear about. But it did get me thinking.
I mentioned it to my counsellor, and he agreed that if nothing else, there was no harm in asking for another echocardiogram, just to see if there had been a change.
I should remind you that at this point, my family doctor was still not taking new appointments.
So I went to the Emergency room again, and got a requisition for an echocardiogram.
It's a long wait, but I finally go this Thursday for it.
And I finally got an appointment with my family doctor. I called on Feb. 19 - the earliest he can see me is Mar. 20.
Yes, seeing your doctor (if you have one) is a major pain in a small, isolated town. Thank God we have a full general hospital.
So for the last few weeks I've been worrying that maybe there's something wrong with my heart.
I've been worrying that I'm going to die.
I've been thinking about how to say goodbye to people.
Yeah, very depressing.
Almost as depressing is the idea that if it's NOT my heart, then what the hell is making me so tired?
I'd hate to be given the diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
That would basically mean - yes, we know you're tired all the time, and we actually agree it's not psychological, but we have no idea what's causing it, so there's no treatment.
Anyways, life is very frustrating and worrisome right now.
I've been neglecting everything and everyone, mostly because I'm asleep most of the time.
As far as catching up with everybody's blogs, I'm hoping to make the effort over the next little while. Keyword is 'hoping' - no promises.
I'm trying to force myself to do stuff whenever I get a little bit of energy, so that I make the best of whatever energy I manage to have.
Talk to you... sometime!
P.S. - I'm not exactly apologizing for not keeping in touch. As I've told many of you over the two years I've been here, I know that sometimes life gets in the way, and it's hard to keep in touch. But the simple fact is that while I like everybody whose blogs I normally comment on, a few of you have become very dear to me, and regardless of the fact that our friendship is 'just' online, it doesn't mean it's not real. Some of you are very special to me, and I'd hate to lose you as a friend, and I hate that I haven't even had the energy to read your blogs and find out how your life is going.
Long time, no see eh?
I haven't written an entry in over a month, and I haven't read people's blogs since Christmas.
I spend most of my time laying on my couch, drifting in and out of sleep.
If you haven't read my last entry, go back and read it (it's brief) so you'll know what I'm talking about.
Here's the update on me medically. I'll make it as quick as possible, if only because it's frustrating and I'm tired.
I saw my psychiatrist a few weeks ago and he's certain that my lethargy isn't due to the meds, though he did reduce the dose of one of them, since I have lost an awful lot of weight since they were prescribed. I've been taking the new dose for a month now, and it hasn't changed my energy level.
He's also certain that it's not my depression causing the tiredness.
Which is a relief to some extent, since I was certain it wasn't the depression either.
He looked at the results of my blood work and it's not any of the types of anemia, and it's not my thyroid either.
That ticks me off, since those would be easy to diagnose and treat.
I was talking with my counsellor about it, since my fatigue now rules my life.
Back in December of 2003 I had weight loss surgery - gastric band (or lap-band).
(As an aside, if you're wondering, banding, unlike bypass, doesn't affect the absorbtion of nutrients, so that's not it either).
Anyways, in the weeks before the surgery, I had a few tests done, including an EKG and a sleep study.
Those showed something slightly off with my heart (long Q waves - whatever that means) so I was sent for an echocardiogram, basically an ultrasound of the heart.
No one said anything about the results, so I showed up for my surgery. Before having it, I asked the anesthesiologist (since she had requested the tests) what the echocardiogram showed. She said that my heart was slightly enlarged, but that wasn't uncommon for someone morbidly obese, and it wasn't something I should worry about.
So I didn't.
Now that I'm progressively more and more fatigued, and trying to figure out why, I'm starting to worry about it.
Someone I know here in town had started getting fatigued a few years ago and after a bunch of tests, it was determined that his heart was actually growing.
Medication didn't work, and he was very lucky to get a heart transplant last year.
But he was close to death, and if it weren't for the transplant, he would have died by now. They were actually close to taking him off the list because he was getting so weak.
Now, honestly, I don't normally think I have every disease I hear about. But it did get me thinking.
I mentioned it to my counsellor, and he agreed that if nothing else, there was no harm in asking for another echocardiogram, just to see if there had been a change.
I should remind you that at this point, my family doctor was still not taking new appointments.
So I went to the Emergency room again, and got a requisition for an echocardiogram.
It's a long wait, but I finally go this Thursday for it.
And I finally got an appointment with my family doctor. I called on Feb. 19 - the earliest he can see me is Mar. 20.
Yes, seeing your doctor (if you have one) is a major pain in a small, isolated town. Thank God we have a full general hospital.
So for the last few weeks I've been worrying that maybe there's something wrong with my heart.
I've been worrying that I'm going to die.
I've been thinking about how to say goodbye to people.
Yeah, very depressing.
Almost as depressing is the idea that if it's NOT my heart, then what the hell is making me so tired?
I'd hate to be given the diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
That would basically mean - yes, we know you're tired all the time, and we actually agree it's not psychological, but we have no idea what's causing it, so there's no treatment.
Anyways, life is very frustrating and worrisome right now.
I've been neglecting everything and everyone, mostly because I'm asleep most of the time.
As far as catching up with everybody's blogs, I'm hoping to make the effort over the next little while. Keyword is 'hoping' - no promises.
I'm trying to force myself to do stuff whenever I get a little bit of energy, so that I make the best of whatever energy I manage to have.
Talk to you... sometime!
P.S. - I'm not exactly apologizing for not keeping in touch. As I've told many of you over the two years I've been here, I know that sometimes life gets in the way, and it's hard to keep in touch. But the simple fact is that while I like everybody whose blogs I normally comment on, a few of you have become very dear to me, and regardless of the fact that our friendship is 'just' online, it doesn't mean it's not real. Some of you are very special to me, and I'd hate to lose you as a friend, and I hate that I haven't even had the energy to read your blogs and find out how your life is going.
I'm so tired.
Exhausted.
Fatigued.
Lethargic.
Most of the time I feel like I'm only barely awake.
Days go by, and I have nothing to show for it.
I'm so physically and mentally exhausted, it's a wonder that I'm awake at all.
As you may have noticed, once again I haven't been keeping up-to-date with people.
I blame the exhaustion.
A lot of the time it's tiring even to just sit upright in front of the computer.
I won't apologize, I know you're sick of hearing me say I'm sorry.
But I feel bad for neglecting some very special people here.
I see my counsellor on Monday, and thank God, I finally see my psychiatrist on Thursday.
Thanks to a last-minute opening, I can see him this month, otherwise I was going to have to wait till the end of February.
So I'm very happy about that. I'm pretty sure part of the problem is that my doses of anti-depressants are just too high now that I've lost so much weight the past few years.
I pray that's the reason.
I really am at my wit's end with this lethargy.
I'm tired of being tired.
I want my family doctor to test me for anemia, since I seem to have all the symptoms of a couple types of anemia.
But my doctor isn't making new appointments till the end of February.
He's 69, and I worry that maybe he's winding down his practice.
If that's the case, I'm seriously screwed, because then I won't have a family doctor. There's a serious doctor shortage here, and so none of the other doctors are taking new patients.
Anyways, that's another rant. Hopefully my doctor is just taking some time off and I'll be able to see him at some point to have some blood work done.
Well, if you can believe it, I'm done typing.
Yes, writing this has actually made me very tired.
Exhausted.
Fatigued.
Lethargic.
Most of the time I feel like I'm only barely awake.
Days go by, and I have nothing to show for it.
I'm so physically and mentally exhausted, it's a wonder that I'm awake at all.
As you may have noticed, once again I haven't been keeping up-to-date with people.
I blame the exhaustion.
A lot of the time it's tiring even to just sit upright in front of the computer.
I won't apologize, I know you're sick of hearing me say I'm sorry.
But I feel bad for neglecting some very special people here.
I see my counsellor on Monday, and thank God, I finally see my psychiatrist on Thursday.
Thanks to a last-minute opening, I can see him this month, otherwise I was going to have to wait till the end of February.
So I'm very happy about that. I'm pretty sure part of the problem is that my doses of anti-depressants are just too high now that I've lost so much weight the past few years.
I pray that's the reason.
I really am at my wit's end with this lethargy.
I'm tired of being tired.
I want my family doctor to test me for anemia, since I seem to have all the symptoms of a couple types of anemia.
But my doctor isn't making new appointments till the end of February.
He's 69, and I worry that maybe he's winding down his practice.
If that's the case, I'm seriously screwed, because then I won't have a family doctor. There's a serious doctor shortage here, and so none of the other doctors are taking new patients.
Anyways, that's another rant. Hopefully my doctor is just taking some time off and I'll be able to see him at some point to have some blood work done.
Well, if you can believe it, I'm done typing.
Yes, writing this has actually made me very tired.
It's Christmas time!
I know some of you really hate Christmas.
You don't like the religious aspect.
You don't like the commercial aspect.
I LOVE Christmas!
I'm barely Christian.
(Basically, I feel like I've had no choice but to give up on Christianity due to all the right-wing hate that has become synonomous with the faith).
I've never really celebrated Christmas as a religious holiday.
I think I may have attended a Christmas service once, years ago.
Let's face it, for the majority of people there's nothing religious about Christmas, despite the very name of the holiday.
It's very much a secular, non-religious holiday, much to the chagrin of some.
But let's be real and call it what it is - Christmas.
I'll avoid a rant and just say that doing things like calling a Christmas tree a "Holiday tree" is ridiculous and idiotic.
Or should we start calling Hannukah "Fancy Candle Time" too, just to remove any sense of religion, let alone logic?
As for the commercialism, well, everything is commercial, so a holiday that centres on giving gifts is bound to be very commercial.
If there's a buck to be made, someone's gonna figure out how.
But so what?
I love giving gifts.
These days virtually the only gifts I give are to my mom, and any chance I get to give her something is an opportunity I cherish.
I do give more modest gifts to my sister's three children, though I have yet to meet them. I'm still their uncle.
And I give a very modest gift to my brother.
But you want to know something?
If I could afford it, I'd give even more gifts, to even more people.
People who in some way have touched my life in some way.
Not necessarily in a major way. Maybe it's just one of those people, like some of you here, who simply make me smile when I think of them.
Admittedly, in a few cases I don't even know your real name, let alone where to send a gift, but when I think of someone special, I want to treat them to something.
Is that materialistic?
I suppose that in a way it is. But you know, we use 'things' to express our feelings.
On Valentine's Day, we give flowers to our girlfriend (well, it's been so many years, but that's my hazy memory of it).
The flowers cost money.
If you want to be a cynic and say that we're spending money as a substitute for emotion, so be it.
I'm just not that cynical.
Of course you should tell the person how you feel, whether it's at Christmas, Valentine's, or any other day of the year.
You should always tell people you like that you do like them.
But if it's not a financial strain, why not give them a gift? Or two? Or more?
I sometimes think that the people who complain about materialism are actually complaining about not having much money.
I imagine that if they won the lottery, they would go out and buy a lot of stuff. Expensive stuff. And that'd be the last time you hear them complain about materialism and commercialism.
I do know that I'm being somewhat cynical that way, because I realize that some people who complain about materialism really are quite sincere. And I look forward to seeing them donate their entire lottery winnings to charity.
If I won the lottery, I'd go on a spending spree.
I'd buy a lot of stuff for myself.
I'd buy loads of stuff for my mom.
I'd finally be able to buy things for all the people I care about, just as a way of saying thanks for making my life a little bit better.
And there are a bunch of charities that'll be getting big cheques too.
But I digress.
The point is that Christmas is that chance to show our feelings, our thanks, and if as humans, that means giving gifts, what's the problem?
No one says the gifts have to be expensive. No one says that you have to go into debt to give gifts.
Heck, if you can't afford to give a gift to a friend, at least send them a card.
I love sending Christmas cards too!
And send actual, physical cards when possible. E-cards are cute, but they always strike me as being very impersonal. Yeah, I know, mass produced cards bought in boxes of 30 aren't exactly personal, but I guess it's just that they take a bit more effort than simply typing in a bunch of email addresses.
I'm rambling at this point, so I'll try to wrap things up (no Christmas wrapping pun intended).
I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.
If you don't celebrate, don't be offended by my attempt at seasonal cheer. Accept it in the spirit it's intended, or ignore it.
I just wish that Christmas were more often, so that people didn't reserve their festive mood for just one day a year.
I know some of you really hate Christmas.
You don't like the religious aspect.
You don't like the commercial aspect.
I LOVE Christmas!
I'm barely Christian.
(Basically, I feel like I've had no choice but to give up on Christianity due to all the right-wing hate that has become synonomous with the faith).
I've never really celebrated Christmas as a religious holiday.
I think I may have attended a Christmas service once, years ago.
Let's face it, for the majority of people there's nothing religious about Christmas, despite the very name of the holiday.
It's very much a secular, non-religious holiday, much to the chagrin of some.
But let's be real and call it what it is - Christmas.
I'll avoid a rant and just say that doing things like calling a Christmas tree a "Holiday tree" is ridiculous and idiotic.
Or should we start calling Hannukah "Fancy Candle Time" too, just to remove any sense of religion, let alone logic?
As for the commercialism, well, everything is commercial, so a holiday that centres on giving gifts is bound to be very commercial.
If there's a buck to be made, someone's gonna figure out how.
But so what?
I love giving gifts.
These days virtually the only gifts I give are to my mom, and any chance I get to give her something is an opportunity I cherish.
I do give more modest gifts to my sister's three children, though I have yet to meet them. I'm still their uncle.
And I give a very modest gift to my brother.
But you want to know something?
If I could afford it, I'd give even more gifts, to even more people.
People who in some way have touched my life in some way.
Not necessarily in a major way. Maybe it's just one of those people, like some of you here, who simply make me smile when I think of them.
Admittedly, in a few cases I don't even know your real name, let alone where to send a gift, but when I think of someone special, I want to treat them to something.
Is that materialistic?
I suppose that in a way it is. But you know, we use 'things' to express our feelings.
On Valentine's Day, we give flowers to our girlfriend (well, it's been so many years, but that's my hazy memory of it).
The flowers cost money.
If you want to be a cynic and say that we're spending money as a substitute for emotion, so be it.
I'm just not that cynical.
Of course you should tell the person how you feel, whether it's at Christmas, Valentine's, or any other day of the year.
You should always tell people you like that you do like them.
But if it's not a financial strain, why not give them a gift? Or two? Or more?
I sometimes think that the people who complain about materialism are actually complaining about not having much money.
I imagine that if they won the lottery, they would go out and buy a lot of stuff. Expensive stuff. And that'd be the last time you hear them complain about materialism and commercialism.
I do know that I'm being somewhat cynical that way, because I realize that some people who complain about materialism really are quite sincere. And I look forward to seeing them donate their entire lottery winnings to charity.
If I won the lottery, I'd go on a spending spree.
I'd buy a lot of stuff for myself.
I'd buy loads of stuff for my mom.
I'd finally be able to buy things for all the people I care about, just as a way of saying thanks for making my life a little bit better.
And there are a bunch of charities that'll be getting big cheques too.
But I digress.
The point is that Christmas is that chance to show our feelings, our thanks, and if as humans, that means giving gifts, what's the problem?
No one says the gifts have to be expensive. No one says that you have to go into debt to give gifts.
Heck, if you can't afford to give a gift to a friend, at least send them a card.
I love sending Christmas cards too!
And send actual, physical cards when possible. E-cards are cute, but they always strike me as being very impersonal. Yeah, I know, mass produced cards bought in boxes of 30 aren't exactly personal, but I guess it's just that they take a bit more effort than simply typing in a bunch of email addresses.
I'm rambling at this point, so I'll try to wrap things up (no Christmas wrapping pun intended).
I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.
If you don't celebrate, don't be offended by my attempt at seasonal cheer. Accept it in the spirit it's intended, or ignore it.
I just wish that Christmas were more often, so that people didn't reserve their festive mood for just one day a year.
Just a quick update.
I weighed myself last week.
224 pounds.
I was at 350 when I had my weight loss surgery just about four years ago.
I rarely weigh myself.
In fact, I haven't weighed myself in about a year. I worry that if I weigh myself more regularly, I'll get hooked on doing it, and start weighing myself daily, or even worse, weighing myself after every meal.
I have enough neuroses, I don't need to add another one.
So I'm pretty happy that I've continued to lose weight. But as some of you may recall, I still think of myself as being 350 pounds, despite having to buy smaller clothes, and despite what the scale says.
In a weird way, I can identify with people with anorexia. I mean, I can't imagine being that deathly thin, but I can see how your mind can tell you that you look a different size than what you actually are.
I have to remind myself that I really have lost a lot of weight. And I have to show myself some appreciation for it.
In related news, I'll be seeing my psychiatrist in a couple months to re-evaluate my anti-depressants.
I've been more fatigued than usual the past while, and so my counselor is wondering if my doses may be too high in light of all the weight I've lost. I take fairly high doses of both Zoloft and Effexor, and I'm at the same doses I was at three years ago, when I weighed a lot more.
I'm always hesistant to fiddle around with my meds though.
Not that the anti-depressants have ever been a cure for my depression. Some days, or some weeks, are better than others, but the depression is always there.
But when I start to think about the fact that they haven't cured my depression, I just remind myself that it was even worse when I wasn't on them.
As far as my schizophrenia goes, I've always been very lucky that my anti-psychotic works very well, and that I've been able to detect very early when my symptoms start to get more active. I'm on a pretty low dose of my current anti-psychotic (Risperdal M-Tabs), so that's probably not going to change.
In case you're wondering why I have to wait a couple months to see my psychiatrist, it's because there are no shrinks locally, so one visits Elliot Lake for a couple days each month, and he's usually booked a couple months in advance.
I have a counsellor I see locally. I only see him once a month, but I could see him more frequently if I wanted.
But this fatigue is really pissing me off at this point.
I'm tired all the time, and not just in a sleepy way, but in a "I can barely move" kind of way.
I will admit that part of the problem is my poor diet. I need to eat or drink more fruits and vegetables. I just don't actually like most fruits and vegetables. Though I do drink some fruit and veggie juice. Actually, it's pretty cool. It's a mix of pure juice and puree from a bunch of fruits and vegetables. Lots of vegetables that I would never eat, even for money, flavoured with fruit juice to mask the taste.
Okay, even though I haven't written much, I'm already rambling.
I weighed myself last week.
224 pounds.
I was at 350 when I had my weight loss surgery just about four years ago.
I rarely weigh myself.
In fact, I haven't weighed myself in about a year. I worry that if I weigh myself more regularly, I'll get hooked on doing it, and start weighing myself daily, or even worse, weighing myself after every meal.
I have enough neuroses, I don't need to add another one.
So I'm pretty happy that I've continued to lose weight. But as some of you may recall, I still think of myself as being 350 pounds, despite having to buy smaller clothes, and despite what the scale says.
In a weird way, I can identify with people with anorexia. I mean, I can't imagine being that deathly thin, but I can see how your mind can tell you that you look a different size than what you actually are.
I have to remind myself that I really have lost a lot of weight. And I have to show myself some appreciation for it.
In related news, I'll be seeing my psychiatrist in a couple months to re-evaluate my anti-depressants.
I've been more fatigued than usual the past while, and so my counselor is wondering if my doses may be too high in light of all the weight I've lost. I take fairly high doses of both Zoloft and Effexor, and I'm at the same doses I was at three years ago, when I weighed a lot more.
I'm always hesistant to fiddle around with my meds though.
Not that the anti-depressants have ever been a cure for my depression. Some days, or some weeks, are better than others, but the depression is always there.
But when I start to think about the fact that they haven't cured my depression, I just remind myself that it was even worse when I wasn't on them.
As far as my schizophrenia goes, I've always been very lucky that my anti-psychotic works very well, and that I've been able to detect very early when my symptoms start to get more active. I'm on a pretty low dose of my current anti-psychotic (Risperdal M-Tabs), so that's probably not going to change.
In case you're wondering why I have to wait a couple months to see my psychiatrist, it's because there are no shrinks locally, so one visits Elliot Lake for a couple days each month, and he's usually booked a couple months in advance.
I have a counsellor I see locally. I only see him once a month, but I could see him more frequently if I wanted.
But this fatigue is really pissing me off at this point.
I'm tired all the time, and not just in a sleepy way, but in a "I can barely move" kind of way.
I will admit that part of the problem is my poor diet. I need to eat or drink more fruits and vegetables. I just don't actually like most fruits and vegetables. Though I do drink some fruit and veggie juice. Actually, it's pretty cool. It's a mix of pure juice and puree from a bunch of fruits and vegetables. Lots of vegetables that I would never eat, even for money, flavoured with fruit juice to mask the taste.
Okay, even though I haven't written much, I'm already rambling.
OCTOBER 2008
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SEPTEMBER 2008
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JULY 2008