it's been a weird couple months.

a guy who has been my best friend for more than 12 years is now someone i no longer speak to. we've been through so much together and that friendship meant a lot to me. but over the past several years he's moved more and more into being a self destructive alcoholic and i just can't carry that burden for him anymore. he finally pushed things past my limit and i realized that he was the albatross around my neck. i miss the guy a lot, but i feel so much more free not having to take care of him.

then two more of my best friends both moved about 3 hours away. and another got into a relationship last year that took him from having one kid part time to 3 full time and one part time. and he's always fighting with his girlfriend. i see him once a month if i'm lucky, and it usually takes about 2 days of leaving messages just to get him on the phone.

we used to all hang out weekly and do stuff together all the time, and that's really left a hole in me. it's pretty lonely to go from having a core group of friends to almost none in such a short time. people grow up and move on, i get that. but i've always been afraid to move on. and i certainly don't want to grow up. i'm old enough already.

my last several weeks have been mostly me watching downloaded tv shows on my computer and downloading comics to read, but i realized today that it feels like i'm just killing time most of the time. sometimes i literally sit there and think "i need to be in bed by midnight, what can i do to fill the next four hours?" it's not even that i want to do those things, it's that i need to do those things to keep myself from being bored out of my mind.

and then i feel like i'm a burden to my few friends left, because i try too hard to do things with them because i'm starting to reach a point where i can't stand to just sit around my house with nothing to do.

bleh.

it's been a weird couple months.

a guy who has been my best friend for more than 12 years is now someone i no longer speak to. we've been through so much together and that friendship meant a lot to me. but over the past several years he's moved more and more into being a self destructive alcoholic and i just can't carry that burden for him anymore. he finally pushed things past my limit and i realized that he was the albatross around my neck. i miss the guy a lot, but i feel so much more free not having to take care of him.

then two more of my best friends both moved about 3 hours away. and another got into a relationship last year that took him from having one kid part time to 3 full time and one part time. and he's always fighting with his girlfriend. i see him once a month if i'm lucky, and it usually takes about 2 days of leaving messages just to get him on the phone.

we used to all hang out weekly and do stuff together all the time, and that's really left a hole in me. it's pretty lonely to go from having a core group of friends to almost none in such a short time. people grow up and move on, i get that. but i've always been afraid to move on. and i certainly don't want to grow up. i'm old enough already.

my last several weeks have been mostly me watching downloaded tv shows on my computer and downloading comics to read, but i realized today that it feels like i'm just killing time most of the time. sometimes i literally sit there and think "i need to be in bed by midnight, what can i do to fill the next four hours?" it's not even that i want to do those things, it's that i need to do those things to keep myself from being bored out of my mind.

and then i feel like i'm a burden to my few friends left, because i try too hard to do things with them because i'm starting to reach a point where i can't stand to just sit around my house with nothing to do.

bleh. i feel like this entry is just me whining.

my life isn't that bad. i do have a few amazing friends and i've got some great stuff going on with film projects... i guess i just kinda get nostalgic for when i had more to do.