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BLOGS
I've typed &deleted probably close to a hundred sentences trying to start this blog. Suffice to say, we all have our struggles. We all piece together what we know about each other, but it's never a complete picture, never a complete person.
[spoiler]You don't know that my two days off this week were spent trying to get past the anxiety of making a phone call, just enough to call a new therapist for an appointment. I did very little else, besides stress &try to calm myself down. You don't know that there's someone dear to me that I worry may never let someone get close enough to love her the way that she deserves, because of someone else who destroyed her trust &took advantage of her. You don't know that someone in my family is dying from poisoning herself, &that I can't bring myself to be near her because the resentment hasn't subsided, because that the guilt that I can't let go weighs heavy on my shoulders. You don't know that I had to say goodbye to someone I love dearly, in order to preserve a far deeper love, &now I have neither.
BUT. You also don't know that I've secretly read 136 pages of another friend's Tumblr, &I love her &her brain &her heart so much more for her words &the words she finds worthwhile, even though I've never said anything about it. You don't know that I have friends who will listen to me sob into phones at 2 &3 am, then, without a single stutter, assuage my everything with words like pale pink ribbons. You don't know that I'd still go to the ends of the earth for those who've hurt me most, &I'm pretty sure they'd get pretty close for me, too, despite all of our everythings.
[spoiler]You don't know that my two days off this week were spent trying to get past the anxiety of making a phone call, just enough to call a new therapist for an appointment. I did very little else, besides stress &try to calm myself down. You don't know that there's someone dear to me that I worry may never let someone get close enough to love her the way that she deserves, because of someone else who destroyed her trust &took advantage of her. You don't know that someone in my family is dying from poisoning herself, &that I can't bring myself to be near her because the resentment hasn't subsided, because that the guilt that I can't let go weighs heavy on my shoulders. You don't know that I had to say goodbye to someone I love dearly, in order to preserve a far deeper love, &now I have neither.
BUT. You also don't know that I've secretly read 136 pages of another friend's Tumblr, &I love her &her brain &her heart so much more for her words &the words she finds worthwhile, even though I've never said anything about it. You don't know that I have friends who will listen to me sob into phones at 2 &3 am, then, without a single stutter, assuage my everything with words like pale pink ribbons. You don't know that I'd still go to the ends of the earth for those who've hurt me most, &I'm pretty sure they'd get pretty close for me, too, despite all of our everythings.
